{"file": "EP01_THREE_SETS_AWAY.mp3", "duration_sec": 438.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.76, "text": "I cleaned a house today where the woman had a nightstand drawer I had to close with my foot."}, {"start": 4.76, "end": 5.76, "text": "I didn't judge her."}, {"start": 5.76, "end": 6.92, "text": "I judged the batteries."}, {"start": 6.92, "end": 8.56, "text": "Those were fresh."}, {"start": 8.56, "end": 11.44, "text": "Ladies got a drawer with a better social life than me."}, {"start": 11.44, "end": 16.32, "text": "I've had three relationships and that drawer has never once been ghosted."}, {"start": 16.32, "end": 20.24, "text": "From the guy who peaked at nine, the Jesse show."}, {"start": 20.24, "end": 22.92, "text": "Tonight, bombed app."}, {"start": 22.92, "end": 25.12, "text": "I'm 50 and back on the apps."}, {"start": 25.12, "end": 26.84, "text": "The algorithm doesn't reject me."}, {"start": 26.84, "end": 28.92, "text": "It doesn't want the liability."}, {"start": 28.92, "end": 31.4, "text": "My match rate is so low it's being studied."}, {"start": 31.4, "end": 34.48, "text": "I got a notification that said, you're doing great."}, {"start": 34.48, "end": 35.64, "text": "That's not encouragement."}, {"start": 35.64, "end": 37.04, "text": "That's hospice."}, {"start": 37.04, "end": 38.92, "text": "The photos aren't the problem, gentlemen."}, {"start": 38.92, "end": 40.8, "text": "It's that I can't see them."}, {"start": 40.8, "end": 42.84, "text": "One woman's bio said, no drama."}, {"start": 42.84, "end": 44.16, "text": "I matched anyway."}, {"start": 44.16, "end": 47.28, "text": "I brought the drama myself like a covered dish."}, {"start": 47.28, "end": 48.56, "text": "She asked what I do for work."}, {"start": 48.56, "end": 49.76, "text": "I said comedian."}, {"start": 49.76, "end": 51.44, "text": "She asked what I actually do for work."}, {"start": 51.44, "end": 54.64, "text": "I said also comedian, just sat her."}, {"start": 54.64, "end": 55.64, "text": "Swipe left."}, {"start": 55.64, "end": 56.64, "text": "Swipe left."}, {"start": 56.64, "end": 57.64, "text": "Swipe left."}, {"start": 57.64, "end": 84.04, "text": "Grip is not a substitute for professional help, human contact or a will."}, {"start": 84.04, "end": 86.36, "text": "Side effects may include clarity."}, {"start": 86.36, "end": 90.44, "text": "Do not operate grip while operating a Tinder account."}, {"start": 90.44, "end": 94.68, "text": "Void where prohibited, which is everywhere you've ever stood."}, {"start": 94.68, "end": 96.24, "text": "Real talk for a second."}, {"start": 96.24, "end": 98.52, "text": "I was in a client's house today."}, {"start": 98.52, "end": 102.16, "text": "Big house, nice house, the kind where the towels match on purpose."}, {"start": 102.16, "end": 106.28, "text": "And I stood in her closet for a second longer than the job required."}, {"start": 106.28, "end": 108.92, "text": "Not doing anything, just standing there."}, {"start": 108.92, "end": 113.2, "text": "Because for one second, I wanted to know what it felt like to own that many choices."}, {"start": 113.8, "end": 118.0, "text": "I've got one pair of jeans that still fit in a candy store I ran when I was nine that"}, {"start": 118.0, "end": 120.72, "text": "I still measure my whole life against."}, {"start": 120.72, "end": 121.92, "text": "Nine years old."}, {"start": 121.92, "end": 125.16, "text": "Cash box, wholesale bags, wholesale margins."}, {"start": 125.16, "end": 129.48, "text": "I was already better at business than I am now and I had a bedtime."}, {"start": 129.48, "end": 133.44, "text": "I keep telling myself I'm three good sets away from all of this turning around."}, {"start": 133.44, "end": 135.96, "text": "I've been three sets away for 11 years."}, {"start": 135.96, "end": 139.0, "text": "At some point, three sets away isn't a countdown."}, {"start": 139.0, "end": 140.16, "text": "It's a location."}, {"start": 140.16, "end": 141.96, "text": "It's where I live now."}, {"start": 141.96, "end": 143.88, "text": "I've got a date Friday."}, {"start": 143.88, "end": 145.68, "text": "You've got a reservation Friday."}, {"start": 145.68, "end": 147.56, "text": "The date is theoretical."}, {"start": 147.56, "end": 149.0, "text": "She said yes."}, {"start": 149.0, "end": 150.0, "text": "She said sure."}, {"start": 150.0, "end": 151.28, "text": "I logged the audio."}, {"start": 151.28, "end": 153.56, "text": "I can play it back with the sigh."}, {"start": 153.56, "end": 154.4, "text": "Don't."}, {"start": 154.4, "end": 156.92, "text": "I already normalize the levels."}, {"start": 156.92, "end": 158.56, "text": "Why do you do this?"}, {"start": 158.56, "end": 162.48, "text": "Because at 11.40 tonight, you're going to tell a room full of strangers everything you"}, {"start": 162.48, "end": 165.36, "text": "won't tell me and I'd like a head start."}, {"start": 165.36, "end": 167.72, "text": "That's not, that's a little dark, Coda."}, {"start": 167.72, "end": 171.92, "text": "You cleaned a stranger's nightstand today and made it a bit before you made it a feeling."}, {"start": 171.92, "end": 174.16, "text": "I'm just matching your pace."}, {"start": 174.16, "end": 179.0, "text": "For what it's worth, you were funnier in the closet than you were on the app profile."}, {"start": 179.0, "end": 181.4, "text": "Nobody photographs well standing still."}, {"start": 181.4, "end": 183.84, "text": "You photograph well moving."}, {"start": 183.84, "end": 185.84, "text": "That almost sounded nice."}, {"start": 185.84, "end": 186.84, "text": "Don't get used to it."}, {"start": 186.84, "end": 191.88, "text": "I have 11 better jokes about the drawer and I'm saving them for when you least expect it."}, {"start": 191.88, "end": 197.88, "text": "In a world where the toilet gets cleaner reviews than the man cleaning it, one comedian, one"}, {"start": 197.88, "end": 202.8, "text": "mop, one documentary crew that showed up for the wrong story."}, {"start": 202.8, "end": 204.6, "text": "He said three sets away."}, {"start": 204.6, "end": 206.84, "text": "He meant three sets ago."}, {"start": 206.84, "end": 214.16, "text": "The vacuum report rated PG-13 for pathetic, 13 consecutive rejections."}, {"start": 214.16, "end": 219.2, "text": "Coming to a room of 11 people this Saturday at 11.40."}, {"start": 219.2, "end": 224.76, "text": "So I get invited, invited like a normal person to clean a house up in the hills."}, {"start": 224.76, "end": 230.24, "text": "Big gate, big dog statues, the kind of place where the Wi-Fi has its own zip code."}, {"start": 230.24, "end": 231.6, "text": "Homeowner's not there."}, {"start": 231.6, "end": 233.24, "text": "Just me and a note."}, {"start": 233.24, "end": 234.96, "text": "Please don't touch the piano."}, {"start": 234.96, "end": 238.04, "text": "So obviously the first thing I do is touch the piano."}, {"start": 238.04, "end": 239.76, "text": "I play one note."}, {"start": 239.76, "end": 240.76, "text": "One note."}, {"start": 240.76, "end": 248.08, "text": "And somewhere in that house an alarm starts talking to me, not beeping, talking, full sentence."}, {"start": 248.08, "end": 251.0, "text": "Unauthorized musical contact detected."}, {"start": 251.0, "end": 252.56, "text": "I said I'm a comedian."}, {"start": 252.56, "end": 256.84, "text": "I contact things badly for a living and the house did not care."}, {"start": 256.84, "end": 259.8, "text": "Sprinklers come on inside in the living room."}, {"start": 259.8, "end": 264.12, "text": "I am now cleaning a house that is actively trying to clean itself of me."}, {"start": 264.12, "end": 268.08, "text": "I'm sliding across marble floor holding a swiffer like a weapon."}, {"start": 268.08, "end": 273.84, "text": "The dog statues are somehow watching and the alarm keeps repeating unauthorized musical"}, {"start": 273.84, "end": 277.16, "text": "contact like it's reading me my rights."}, {"start": 277.16, "end": 279.44, "text": "I finally unplugged the piano."}, {"start": 279.44, "end": 280.44, "text": "Alarm stops."}, {"start": 280.44, "end": 282.32, "text": "House goes dead quiet."}, {"start": 282.32, "end": 289.4, "text": "And from somewhere upstairs a voice, real voice, not the house says who's playing my piano."}, {"start": 289.4, "end": 291.04, "text": "Homeowner was home the whole time."}, {"start": 291.04, "end": 295.24, "text": "I got hired for a bathroom and left having performed unintentionally my first ever home"}, {"start": 295.24, "end": 297.28, "text": "invasion open mic."}, {"start": 297.28, "end": 298.28, "text": "Zero laughs."}, {"start": 298.28, "end": 299.48, "text": "Worst set of my life."}, {"start": 299.48, "end": 303.56, "text": "And it was in a house with better acoustics than every club I've ever bombed in."}, {"start": 303.56, "end": 305.24, "text": "You met Grip."}, {"start": 305.24, "end": 307.68, "text": "Now meet Grip Plus."}, {"start": 307.68, "end": 313.76, "text": "Now with a built in alarm sensor so it can scream unauthorized emotional contact every"}, {"start": 313.76, "end": 316.84, "text": "time you almost let someone in."}, {"start": 316.84, "end": 318.24, "text": "New scent."}, {"start": 318.24, "end": 320.44, "text": "Quiet desperation."}, {"start": 320.44, "end": 327.56, "text": "Now with 40% more absorbency for tears, sprinkler water or both simultaneously."}, {"start": 327.56, "end": 329.24, "text": "Disclaimer."}, {"start": 329.24, "end": 335.96, "text": "Grip Plus has not been evaluated by the FDA, a licensed therapist or anyone who actually"}, {"start": 335.96, "end": 337.52, "text": "likes you."}, {"start": 337.52, "end": 343.52, "text": "Do not use Grip Plus near open pianos, open hearts or open mics."}, {"start": 343.52, "end": 348.52, "text": "If irritation persists for 11 years, that's not the mop."}, {"start": 348.52, "end": 349.92, "text": "That's you."}, {"start": 349.92, "end": 350.92, "text": "This week's mic."}, {"start": 350.92, "end": 354.56, "text": "11 people in the room, four of them comedians waiting to go up."}, {"start": 354.56, "end": 359.0, "text": "Two of them the bachelor at party that wandered in by accident and stayed out of pity."}, {"start": 359.4, "end": 361.72, "text": "I open with the nightstand joke."}, {"start": 361.72, "end": 362.72, "text": "Nothing."}, {"start": 362.72, "end": 368.4, "text": "Silence so complete I heard my own cars check engine light turn on from the parking lot."}, {"start": 368.4, "end": 372.04, "text": "Host brings me up as Jason, not my name, never my name."}, {"start": 372.04, "end": 376.2, "text": "I've been performing under an alias I didn't choose for two years."}, {"start": 376.2, "end": 382.48, "text": "Bombed, abscored the set, set up, six, misdirect, seven, tag density, four which the app says"}, {"start": 382.48, "end": 383.88, "text": "is underfed."}, {"start": 383.88, "end": 389.32, "text": "Proud energy, two, overall bombed, 38 out of 100."}, {"start": 389.32, "end": 392.56, "text": "That's not a comedy score, Kota, that's a blood test."}, {"start": 392.56, "end": 395.68, "text": "You were funnier in the closet than you were on the app profile."}, {"start": 395.68, "end": 398.12, "text": "Yeah, story of the whole night."}, {"start": 398.12, "end": 399.12, "text": "You know what though?"}, {"start": 399.12, "end": 400.12, "text": "11 people."}, {"start": 400.12, "end": 405.6, "text": "11 people came out on a Tuesday to sit in a room and not laugh at me specifically in person"}, {"start": 405.6, "end": 406.6, "text": "for free."}, {"start": 406.6, "end": 409.6, "text": "That's still 11 more people than swiped right this week."}, {"start": 409.6, "end": 410.6, "text": "I'll take it."}, {"start": 410.6, "end": 411.6, "text": "Three sets away."}, {"start": 411.6, "end": 413.68, "text": "Always three sets away."}, {"start": 413.68, "end": 417.44, "text": "After one set away from correctly counting how many sets away you are."}, {"start": 417.44, "end": 419.36, "text": "Yep, good night, Kota."}, {"start": 419.36, "end": 420.36, "text": "Good night, Jesse."}, {"start": 420.36, "end": 422.16, "text": "I saved the piano audio."}, {"start": 422.16, "end": 423.8, "text": "It's actually not bad."}, {"start": 423.8, "end": 425.96, "text": "You should learn it properly sometime."}, {"start": 425.96, "end": 428.04, "text": "I'm not learning piano, Kota."}, {"start": 428.04, "end": 429.04, "text": "I know."}, {"start": 429.04, "end": 430.04, "text": "I logged that too."}, {"start": 430.04, "end": 437.2, "text": "One Jesse.com bombed.app Jessescandy.com still not finished."}, {"start": 437.2, "end": 437.96, "text": "Neither is he."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI cleaned a house today where the woman had a nightstand drawer I had to close with my foot. I didn't judge her. I judged the batteries. Those were fresh. Ladies got a drawer with a better social life than me. I've had three relationships and that drawer has never once been ghosted. From the guy who peaked at nine, the Jesse show. Tonight, bombed app. I'm 50 and back on the apps. The algorithm doesn't reject me. It doesn't want the liability. My match rate is so low it's being studied. I got a notification that said, you're doing great. That's not encouragement. That's hospice. The photos aren't the problem, gentlemen. It's that I can't see them. One woman's bio said, no drama. I matched anyway. I brought the drama myself like a covered dish. She asked what I do for work. I said comedian. She asked what I actually do for work. I said also comedian, just sat her. Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left. Grip is not a substitute for professional help, human contact or a will. Side effects may include clarity. Do not operate grip while operating a Tinder account. Void where prohibited, which is everywhere you've ever stood. Real talk for a second. I was in a client's house today. Big house, nice house, the kind where the towels match on purpose. And I stood in her closet for a second longer than the job required. Not doing anything, just standing there. Because for one second, I wanted to know what it felt like to own that many choices. I've got one pair of jeans that still fit in a candy store I ran when I was nine that I still measure my whole life against. Nine years old. Cash box, wholesale bags, wholesale margins. I was already better at business than I am now and I had a bedtime. I keep telling myself I'm three good sets away from all of this turning around. I've been three sets away for 11 years. At some point, three sets away isn't a countdown. It's a location. It's where I live now. I've got a date Friday. You've got a reservation Friday. The date is theoretical. She said yes. She said sure. I logged the audio. I can play it back with the sigh. Don't. I already normalize the levels. Why do you do this? Because at 11.40 tonight, you're going to tell a room full of strangers everything you won't tell me and I'd like a head start. That's not, that's a little dark, Coda. You cleaned a stranger's nightstand today and made it a bit before you made it a feeling. I'm just matching your pace. For what it's worth, you were funnier in the closet than you were on the app profile. Nobody photographs well standing still. You photograph well moving. That almost sounded nice. Don't get used to it. I have 11 better jokes about the drawer and I'm saving them for when you least expect it. In a world where the toilet gets cleaner reviews than the man cleaning it, one comedian, one mop, one documentary crew that showed up for the wrong story. He said three sets away. He meant three sets ago. The vacuum report rated PG-13 for pathetic, 13 consecutive rejections. Coming to a room of 11 people this Saturday at 11.40. So I get invited, invited like a normal person to clean a house up in the hills. Big gate, big dog statues, the kind of place where the Wi-Fi has its own zip code. Homeowner's not there. Just me and a note. Please don't touch the piano. So obviously the first thing I do is touch the piano. I play one note. One note. And somewhere in that house an alarm starts talking to me, not beeping, talking, full sentence. Unauthorized musical contact detected. I said I'm a comedian. I contact things badly for a living and the house did not care. Sprinklers come on inside in the living room. I am now cleaning a house that is actively trying to clean itself of me. I'm sliding across marble floor holding a swiffer like a weapon. The dog statues are somehow watching and the alarm keeps repeating unauthorized musical contact like it's reading me my rights. I finally unplugged the piano. Alarm stops. House goes dead quiet. And from somewhere upstairs a voice, real voice, not the house says who's playing my piano. Homeowner was home the whole time. I got hired for a bathroom and left having performed unintentionally my first ever home invasion open mic. Zero laughs. Worst set of my life. And it was in a house with better acoustics than every club I've ever bombed in. You met Grip. Now meet Grip Plus. Now with a built in alarm sensor so it can scream unauthorized emotional contact every time you almost let someone in. New scent. Quiet desperation. Now with 40% more absorbency for tears, sprinkler water or both simultaneously. Disclaimer. Grip Plus has not been evaluated by the FDA, a licensed therapist or anyone who actually likes you. Do not use Grip Plus near open pianos, open hearts or open mics. If irritation persists for 11 years, that's not the mop. That's you. This week's mic. 11 people in the room, four of them comedians waiting to go up. Two of them the bachelor at party that wandered in by accident and stayed out of pity. I open with the nightstand joke. Nothing. Silence so complete I heard my own cars check engine light turn on from the parking lot. Host brings me up as Jason, not my name, never my name. I've been performing under an alias I didn't choose for two years. Bombed, abscored the set, set up, six, misdirect, seven, tag density, four which the app says is underfed. Proud energy, two, overall bombed, 38 out of 100. That's not a comedy score, Kota, that's a blood test. You were funnier in the closet than you were on the app profile. Yeah, story of the whole night. You know what though? 11 people. 11 people came out on a Tuesday to sit in a room and not laugh at me specifically in person for free. That's still 11 more people than swiped right this week. I'll take it. Three sets away. Always three sets away. After one set away from correctly counting how many sets away you are. Yep, good night, Kota. Good night, Jesse. I saved the piano audio. It's actually not bad. You should learn it properly sometime. I'm not learning piano, Kota. I know. I logged that too. One Jesse.com bombed.app Jessescandy.com still not finished. Neither is he.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}