{"file": "DOUBLE_CLICK_TO_CONFIRM_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 95.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.7, "text": "I have turned down nine marriage proposals, and somehow I am still the biggest fucking"}, {"start": 4.7, "end": 7.04, "text": "commitment hypocrite in Sacramento."}, {"start": 7.04, "end": 12.32, "text": "A woman says, spend your life with me and I go, whoa, slow the fuck down."}, {"start": 12.32, "end": 18.38, "text": "A software pop-up says, renew this shit for $49.99 and I spread my fucking face for face"}, {"start": 18.38, "end": 19.38, "text": "ID."}, {"start": 19.38, "end": 21.26, "text": "That is my love language now."}, {"start": 21.26, "end": 22.86, "text": "Double click to confirm."}, {"start": 22.86, "end": 27.22, "text": "I will not share a fucking last name, but I will share my credit card with a bastard"}, {"start": 27.22, "end": 29.9, "text": "app that has ignored me for six months."}, {"start": 29.9, "end": 35.12, "text": "When I try to cancel and the app gets emotional as shit, are you sure you want to leave?"}, {"start": 35.12, "end": 36.8, "text": "Tell us why."}, {"start": 36.8, "end": 40.04, "text": "Because you do not listen, you expensive little asshole."}, {"start": 40.04, "end": 44.56, "text": "You promise to simplify my life, then made me watch a seven minute fucking tutorial on"}, {"start": 44.56, "end": 46.44, "text": "how to stop paying you."}, {"start": 46.44, "end": 50.56, "text": "Now the cancellation page starts negotiating like a desperate asshole."}, {"start": 50.56, "end": 52.4, "text": "What if we give you 20% off?"}, {"start": 52.4, "end": 55.56, "text": "Oh, now you want a fucking change?"}, {"start": 55.56, "end": 60.0, "text": "Where was this passion when I asked you to export one fucking MP3?"}, {"start": 60.0, "end": 62.12, "text": "Would you like to pause instead?"}, {"start": 62.12, "end": 66.8, "text": "No mother fucker, pack your cloud shit and get the fuck out of my wallet."}, {"start": 66.8, "end": 71.08, "text": "Some dickhead in the back goes, Jesse you have commitment issues."}, {"start": 71.08, "end": 73.08, "text": "No prick, I fucking commit."}, {"start": 73.08, "end": 77.04, "text": "I just need monthly terms, a free trial and a cancel button big enough for your shitty"}, {"start": 77.04, "end": 78.72, "text": "personality."}, {"start": 78.72, "end": 80.68, "text": "Nine women got a clean no."}, {"start": 80.68, "end": 83.4, "text": "The software gets me until the next billing date."}, {"start": 83.4, "end": 88.88, "text": "But tonight I finally found the relationship where Jesse gets the last fucking word."}, {"start": 88.88, "end": 91.32, "text": "Subscription cancelled, confirmation saved."}, {"start": 91.32, "end": 95.26, "text": "And if that app comes crawling back, it can double click my ass to confirm."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI have turned down nine marriage proposals, and somehow I am still the biggest fucking commitment hypocrite in Sacramento. A woman says, spend your life with me and I go, whoa, slow the fuck down. A software pop-up says, renew this shit for $49.99 and I spread my fucking face for face ID. That is my love language now. Double click to confirm. I will not share a fucking last name, but I will share my credit card with a bastard app that has ignored me for six months. When I try to cancel and the app gets emotional as shit, are you sure you want to leave? Tell us why. Because you do not listen, you expensive little asshole. You promise to simplify my life, then made me watch a seven minute fucking tutorial on how to stop paying you. Now the cancellation page starts negotiating like a desperate asshole. What if we give you 20% off? Oh, now you want a fucking change? Where was this passion when I asked you to export one fucking MP3? Would you like to pause instead? No mother fucker, pack your cloud shit and get the fuck out of my wallet. Some dickhead in the back goes, Jesse you have commitment issues. No prick, I fucking commit. I just need monthly terms, a free trial and a cancel button big enough for your shitty personality. Nine women got a clean no. The software gets me until the next billing date. But tonight I finally found the relationship where Jesse gets the last fucking word. Subscription cancelled, confirmation saved. And if that app comes crawling back, it can double click my ass to confirm.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}