{"file": "DMV_FROM_HELL_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 436.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 42.22, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we go to the one place worse than hell. The DMV, 50 years old, one window open and not a single fuck given behind the counter, buckle the hell up."}, {"start": 42.22, "end": 49.22, "text": "50 fucking years old, and the DMV takes my portrait like I got dragged in for a crime I didn't do."}, {"start": 49.22, "end": 57.22, "text": "Four hours. One window open. Some woman behind bulletproof glass eating a sandwich like the lines of fucking nature documentary."}, {"start": 57.22, "end": 67.22, "text": "She goes, step on the line, look at the dot. Don't smile. Don't smile. Lady, I haven't smiled since window three closed for lunch."}, {"start": 67.22, "end": 77.22, "text": "So I stand there, and the flash goes off and captures the exact fucking second my soul left my body. That's not a license. That's a ransom photo."}, {"start": 77.22, "end": 87.22, "text": "That's the picture they show on the news when they find the van. My own goat Kevin looked at it and screamed and Kevin screams at everything."}, {"start": 87.22, "end": 96.22, "text": "Now I got to carry this mugshot for eight years, handed to cops, handed to bartenders, and every one of them goes, sir are you okay?"}, {"start": 96.22, "end": 104.22, "text": "No, no I am not. I looked like the before photo for a life. That's not me. That's what the line did to me."}, {"start": 105.22, "end": 116.22, "text": "I go to the DMV to change one fucking address, one and the goat lady at window three dead eyes dead soul she goes, that's a records issue go to window seven."}, {"start": 116.22, "end": 128.22, "text": "So I walk to seven, sevens closed, sign says see window three. I go back to three. She looks at me like I crawled out of her toilet and goes, you need records."}, {"start": 128.22, "end": 140.22, "text": "I said lady you are three seven sent me to you. You're the whole circle. You're the fucking snake eating its own ass and she just slides the little glass shut."}, {"start": 140.22, "end": 156.22, "text": "Klink that tiny window that's the sound of my one life closing. So I stood in a room of forty broken people and one open window and at that window was a man eating a sandwich. So slow I aged."}, {"start": 156.22, "end": 176.22, "text": "I watched him chew a single bite for the length of my marriage and when I finally got up there he wiped his mouth looked me dead in the eye and said, we stop doing that in March. March it's my address mother fucker not the moon landing. You know what fixed it nothing I'm still lost in there."}, {"start": 176.22, "end": 194.22, "text": "I gave him my whole soul and they gave me a number B247 now serving B12 I'll die in that chair and Kevin the goat will inherit my ticket. I took a whole fucking day off work no toilets no ride chair nothing to renew my registration."}, {"start": 194.22, "end": 217.22, "text": "62 people in that room and one window open one and behind it a woman moving like she's underwater watch her. I'm going to need form B4 I have form B4 this is B4 dash A the same fucking form and she can smell it man she can smell that I got somewhere to be and it makes her slower."}, {"start": 217.22, "end": 237.22, "text": "She sips her coffee at me she types one letter and stairs at the screen like it insulted her mother I'm 50 years old 300 grand in debt and this woman holds my entire day in her hand like a hostage and then at the window at 459 she stands up looks me dead in the eye and flips the little sign next window."}, {"start": 237.22, "end": 266.22, "text": "There is no next window there's never been a next window that's the whole fucking country right there one window and it just closed on me I've been on hold with the DMV for two hours and this fucking robot lady keeps giving me the run around press one for registration press to for licensing press three to eat shit and die I'm sitting there zero zero operator human I want to talk to a fucking human and she goes real calm I'm sorry I didn't get that."}, {"start": 267.22, "end": 296.22, "text": "You didn't get that I screamed it into the phone so hard my goat Kevin started screaming back there is no option for me there's never an option for me press for for your problem is too fucking weird go die in the parking lot and then then after two hours the whole music cuts out and that bitch goes goodbye click she hung up on me I'm 50 years old 300 grand in debt screaming at a recording that just dumped me like a bad tender date so I called back and pressed for me."}, {"start": 297.22, "end": 322.22, "text": "I get to the DMV at seven in the fucking morning number G 84 and there's one window open one and behind that counter I counted 12 of these bastards eating lunch at seven a.m. Who eats a full lunch before the sun's up one ladies got a whole rotisserie chicken back there tearing into it like it wronged her family."}, {"start": 322.22, "end": 340.22, "text": "We're on break break you just got here I watched you clock in and immediately unwrap a burrito the size of my forearm and the one poor son of a bitch actually working is moving like he's under water like every keystroke cost him a year off his life."}, {"start": 340.22, "end": 366.22, "text": "G 83 he's not here man G 83 died G 83 grew old and passed away in that plastic chair waiting for you to finish your fucking chicken and I'm next I'm G 84 and I know I know in my gut the second my number lights up that windows gonna slap shut and a little signs gonna slide across back in 45."}, {"start": 366.22, "end": 388.22, "text": "45 what minutes years you people don't measure time you just out live us 12 of you back there full as ticks and I'm out here aging into a photo I can't even smile for 50 years old 300 grand in debt and I'm gonna die standing on a tape decks on the floor for a real I don't even fucking need."}, {"start": 388.22, "end": 417.22, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app."}, {"start": 418.22, "end": 431.22, "text": "And let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we go to the one place worse than hell. The DMV, 50 years old, one window open and not a single fuck given behind the counter, buckle the hell up. 50 fucking years old, and the DMV takes my portrait like I got dragged in for a crime I didn't do. Four hours. One window open. Some woman behind bulletproof glass eating a sandwich like the lines of fucking nature documentary. She goes, step on the line, look at the dot. Don't smile. Don't smile. Lady, I haven't smiled since window three closed for lunch. So I stand there, and the flash goes off and captures the exact fucking second my soul left my body. That's not a license. That's a ransom photo. That's the picture they show on the news when they find the van. My own goat Kevin looked at it and screamed and Kevin screams at everything. Now I got to carry this mugshot for eight years, handed to cops, handed to bartenders, and every one of them goes, sir are you okay? No, no I am not. I looked like the before photo for a life. That's not me. That's what the line did to me. I go to the DMV to change one fucking address, one and the goat lady at window three dead eyes dead soul she goes, that's a records issue go to window seven. So I walk to seven, sevens closed, sign says see window three. I go back to three. She looks at me like I crawled out of her toilet and goes, you need records. I said lady you are three seven sent me to you. You're the whole circle. You're the fucking snake eating its own ass and she just slides the little glass shut. Klink that tiny window that's the sound of my one life closing. So I stood in a room of forty broken people and one open window and at that window was a man eating a sandwich. So slow I aged. I watched him chew a single bite for the length of my marriage and when I finally got up there he wiped his mouth looked me dead in the eye and said, we stop doing that in March. March it's my address mother fucker not the moon landing. You know what fixed it nothing I'm still lost in there. I gave him my whole soul and they gave me a number B247 now serving B12 I'll die in that chair and Kevin the goat will inherit my ticket. I took a whole fucking day off work no toilets no ride chair nothing to renew my registration. 62 people in that room and one window open one and behind it a woman moving like she's underwater watch her. I'm going to need form B4 I have form B4 this is B4 dash A the same fucking form and she can smell it man she can smell that I got somewhere to be and it makes her slower. She sips her coffee at me she types one letter and stairs at the screen like it insulted her mother I'm 50 years old 300 grand in debt and this woman holds my entire day in her hand like a hostage and then at the window at 459 she stands up looks me dead in the eye and flips the little sign next window. There is no next window there's never been a next window that's the whole fucking country right there one window and it just closed on me I've been on hold with the DMV for two hours and this fucking robot lady keeps giving me the run around press one for registration press to for licensing press three to eat shit and die I'm sitting there zero zero operator human I want to talk to a fucking human and she goes real calm I'm sorry I didn't get that. You didn't get that I screamed it into the phone so hard my goat Kevin started screaming back there is no option for me there's never an option for me press for for your problem is too fucking weird go die in the parking lot and then then after two hours the whole music cuts out and that bitch goes goodbye click she hung up on me I'm 50 years old 300 grand in debt screaming at a recording that just dumped me like a bad tender date so I called back and pressed for me. I get to the DMV at seven in the fucking morning number G 84 and there's one window open one and behind that counter I counted 12 of these bastards eating lunch at seven a.m. Who eats a full lunch before the sun's up one ladies got a whole rotisserie chicken back there tearing into it like it wronged her family. We're on break break you just got here I watched you clock in and immediately unwrap a burrito the size of my forearm and the one poor son of a bitch actually working is moving like he's under water like every keystroke cost him a year off his life. G 83 he's not here man G 83 died G 83 grew old and passed away in that plastic chair waiting for you to finish your fucking chicken and I'm next I'm G 84 and I know I know in my gut the second my number lights up that windows gonna slap shut and a little signs gonna slide across back in 45. 45 what minutes years you people don't measure time you just out live us 12 of you back there full as ticks and I'm out here aging into a photo I can't even smile for 50 years old 300 grand in debt and I'm gonna die standing on a tape decks on the floor for a real I don't even fucking need. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app. And let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}