{"file": "CONFESSIONS_PART2_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 1845.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.24, "end": 9.68, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.68, "end": 11.68, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.68, "end": 16.92, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.92, "end": 21.16, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.16, "end": 22.16, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.16, "end": 24.16, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.16, "end": 31.71, "text": "Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him, it did not take."}, {"start": 31.71, "end": 33.75, "text": "You want to know who the fuck I am?"}, {"start": 33.75, "end": 37.55, "text": "Sit down you filthy degenerates, because in the next five minutes I'm going to show"}, {"start": 37.55, "end": 43.55, "text": "you a whole damn life and every filthy bit of it's true, motherfuckers, or made up."}, {"start": 43.55, "end": 50.1, "text": "I honestly can't remember, I've been high since 14."}, {"start": 50.1, "end": 55.38, "text": "I was a businessman at eight, candy store out front, loan shark racket in the back, charging"}, {"start": 55.38, "end": 60.12, "text": "my own family interest, the little cutthroat bastard, charging my own damn blood the"}, {"start": 60.12, "end": 63.72, "text": "big."}, {"start": 63.72, "end": 66.64, "text": "And here's the fucked up full circle motherfuckers."}, {"start": 66.64, "end": 71.72, "text": "40 years later I lost my cushy state job, a job you damn near can't get fired from, because"}, {"start": 71.72, "end": 74.24, "text": "I got into it over a coworker selling candy."}, {"start": 74.24, "end": 78.98, "text": "I looked at the chief and said, if she can sell candy at work, give me back my damn candy"}, {"start": 78.98, "end": 79.98, "text": "empire."}, {"start": 79.98, "end": 86.58, "text": "They did not fucking agree, and I lost the job over it."}, {"start": 86.58, "end": 90.6, "text": "That's lane number one, I fuck everything up, it's a gift."}, {"start": 90.6, "end": 94.48, "text": "You could hand me a winning lottery ticket and I'd get a paper cut, caching it, and bleed"}, {"start": 94.48, "end": 99.34, "text": "the fuck out in the circle K parking lot."}, {"start": 99.34, "end": 103.9, "text": "Because I'm a reverse mitus, you beautiful bastards, everything I touch turns to somebody"}, {"start": 103.9, "end": 105.22, "text": "else's gold."}, {"start": 105.22, "end": 110.94, "text": "I invented American Idol in 99, made zero dollars, bought a self-drive in Tesla, it couldn't"}, {"start": 110.94, "end": 113.46, "text": "drive and paid me Corolla wages."}, {"start": 113.46, "end": 118.3, "text": "Started rideshare during a damn pandemic, my timing so bad I'd show up to my own funeral"}, {"start": 118.3, "end": 124.42, "text": "a week late and still get charged for parking."}, {"start": 124.42, "end": 129.48, "text": "And the women, ooh that's a whole lane motherfuckers, I've loved every tornado in the county,"}, {"start": 129.48, "end": 134.02, "text": "gave a stripper my garbage pill kids collection to get her out of my life, cards worth a damn"}, {"start": 134.02, "end": 141.58, "text": "fortune now, because of course they fucking are, that's my whole shit luck life."}, {"start": 141.58, "end": 146.98, "text": "See I'm a red, a protector, which is a fancy way of saying I'll take the fall for everybody"}, {"start": 146.98, "end": 150.5, "text": "and get nothing but a felony and a filthy mouth for it."}, {"start": 150.5, "end": 154.86, "text": "I got a green brain full of a million dollars I never kept and a yellow heart that hands"}, {"start": 154.86, "end": 157.9, "text": "the match to every woman who sets it on fire."}, {"start": 157.9, "end": 166.94, "text": "I've cleaned toilets at 50, drove drunks for 11 years, served the state for 14 and shot"}, {"start": 166.94, "end": 172.02, "text": "30 years of weddings for couples divorced before I finished editing the damn photos."}, {"start": 172.02, "end": 180.98, "text": "55 years of customer service and every customer was an asshole, including my own broke ass."}, {"start": 180.98, "end": 185.38, "text": "So how's a broke high felon toilet scrubber still standing up here laughing?"}, {"start": 185.38, "end": 188.82, "text": "Here's the confession under all the filth motherfuckers."}, {"start": 188.82, "end": 196.83, "text": "30 years ago I was in a cell ready to give up, looking at prison and I made a deal, I looked"}, {"start": 196.83, "end": 202.99, "text": "up and told the man upstairs, take all the money every damn dollar forever, just let"}, {"start": 202.99, "end": 210.94, "text": "me be free, just let me fucking live, that's all I asked."}, {"start": 210.94, "end": 215.54, "text": "And you know what, you filthy, beautiful bastards, he fucking took it, every damn dollar"}, {"start": 215.54, "end": 216.98, "text": "right on schedule."}, {"start": 216.98, "end": 221.98, "text": "But I got the freedom, so I'm not broke motherfuckers, I'm paid in full, I bought my life back"}, {"start": 221.98, "end": 229.22, "text": "one lost fortune at a time and I'd sign that deal again in blood."}, {"start": 229.22, "end": 230.5, "text": "That's who I am."}, {"start": 230.5, "end": 235.94, "text": "The filthiest mouth in comedy, the worst luck alive, the biggest heart in the room and"}, {"start": 235.94, "end": 240.14, "text": "one word I'll never say because some things stay sacred."}, {"start": 240.14, "end": 246.24, "text": "Focus shit, free as hell, high as a motherfucker and laughin' my ass off at a life that tried"}, {"start": 246.24, "end": 251.86, "text": "to bury me a hundred times."}, {"start": 251.86, "end": 257.18, "text": "They can keep the money motherfuckers, I kept my soul, my freedom and my filthy fucking mouth,"}, {"start": 257.18, "end": 266.94, "text": "that's Jesse, the hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 266.94, "end": 271.42, "text": "Now for a confession that still makes me want to cry into my damn steering wheel, the day"}, {"start": 271.42, "end": 278.22, "text": "I bought the Tesla, September 20th 2018 motherfuckers, the dumbest smart purchase of my whole"}, {"start": 278.22, "end": 282.41, "text": "fucking life."}, {"start": 282.41, "end": 287.73, "text": "I bought it on the last day, the very last day they offered free power forever, unlimited"}, {"start": 287.73, "end": 293.77, "text": "supercharging, no gas, free electricity till I'm dead, and this broke bastard thought,"}, {"start": 293.77, "end": 296.85, "text": "this is it, this is how I finally win."}, {"start": 296.85, "end": 303.16, "text": "Spoiler alert, you filthy degenerates, it was not."}, {"start": 303.16, "end": 308.56, "text": "Tesla Model 3 Performance, white seats, a damn rocket ship, and you know what the salesman"}, {"start": 308.56, "end": 311.08, "text": "told me, looking me dead in the eye?"}, {"start": 311.08, "end": 316.48, "text": "Jesse, this car will drive itself, pick up customers on its own, you can stay home and"}, {"start": 316.48, "end": 321.76, "text": "just collect the money."}, {"start": 321.76, "end": 327.72, "text": "And I believed him, I sat there, a grown 50 year old man, nodding like a damn bobblehead,"}, {"start": 327.72, "end": 331.98, "text": "picture in my car out there, husband fairs while I'm on my couch in my underwear counten"}, {"start": 331.98, "end": 332.98, "text": "cash."}, {"start": 333.06, "end": 339.64, "text": "That's the dream they sold me motherfuckers, that's the fucking fairy tale."}, {"start": 339.64, "end": 342.2, "text": "You know what my car actually did by itself?"}, {"start": 342.2, "end": 344.8, "text": "Nothing, not a damn thing."}, {"start": 344.8, "end": 349.38, "text": "That self-driving shit was so sketchy back then it had tried to merge into a concrete"}, {"start": 349.38, "end": 351.52, "text": "wall like it had a death wish."}, {"start": 351.52, "end": 356.44, "text": "I couldn't let that lunatic robot near a paying customer, it drove like me after the"}, {"start": 356.44, "end": 360.72, "text": "edibles."}, {"start": 360.72, "end": 365.52, "text": "So there's screw number one, but it gets worse, you beautiful bastards, because I thought"}, {"start": 365.52, "end": 371.08, "text": "spending all that money on a fancy ass Tesla would get me Uber Black, the premium rides,"}, {"start": 371.08, "end": 374.75, "text": "the big money."}, {"start": 374.75, "end": 380.01, "text": "I call up Uber all proud, I got a Tesla now put me in the black car money, and they go,"}, {"start": 380.01, "end": 389.16, "text": "oh sorry sir, you need a Model S or X for that, a Model 3, that's just a regular car."}, {"start": 389.16, "end": 394.48, "text": "A regular car, I spent super car money and they paid me Corolla wages, I was hauling"}, {"start": 394.48, "end": 400.76, "text": "drunks around in a $60,000 rocket for the same $4 as a dude in a 15 year old camera."}, {"start": 400.76, "end": 408.87, "text": "My car was too good for the job and still underpaid just like its damn owner."}, {"start": 408.87, "end": 413.43, "text": "And screw number three, the passengers, you'd think people would be grateful riding in"}, {"start": 413.43, "end": 415.67, "text": "a beautiful Tesla, right?"}, {"start": 415.67, "end": 416.67, "text": "Wrong."}, {"start": 416.67, "end": 423.59, "text": "They climbed in and roasted my white seats like a bunch of filthy critics."}, {"start": 423.59, "end": 427.35, "text": "White seats in a ride chair, bold choice."}, {"start": 427.35, "end": 430.19, "text": "Yeah, motherfucker, real bold."}, {"start": 430.19, "end": 433.99, "text": "Now put your greasy taco fingers somewhere else before I charge you a clean and fee for"}, {"start": 433.99, "end": 435.47, "text": "existence."}, {"start": 435.47, "end": 442.48, "text": "I spent 11 years defending the honor of a poll street of people who wouldn't tip a dollar."}, {"start": 442.48, "end": 445.16, "text": "So let's tally it up, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 445.16, "end": 449.8, "text": "I bought a self driving car that couldn't drive itself, for premium money I never got,"}, {"start": 449.8, "end": 454.4, "text": "with white seats everybody hated on a deadline to chase a dream that never showed the fuck"}, {"start": 454.4, "end": 458.28, "text": "up."}, {"start": 458.28, "end": 460.36, "text": "That's the most me thing that ever happened."}, {"start": 460.36, "end": 463.6, "text": "I'm the only man alive who got out hustled by his own car."}, {"start": 463.6, "end": 467.52, "text": "It just sat in the driveway looking pretty and appreciating in value while I drove it"}, {"start": 467.52, "end": 469.88, "text": "into the ground making minimum wage."}, {"start": 469.88, "end": 475.18, "text": "Even my damn car did better than me."}, {"start": 475.18, "end": 477.9, "text": "But here's the confession under the confession, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 477.9, "end": 479.34, "text": "I do it again."}, {"start": 479.34, "end": 483.82, "text": "Because for one beautiful second on September 20th, I believed I was going to win."}, {"start": 483.82, "end": 491.82, "text": "And a broke dreamer will pay full price for one second of hope every damn time."}, {"start": 491.82, "end": 495.3, "text": "Let me confess my greatest fucking talent, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 495.3, "end": 498.94, "text": "I have the worst timing of any son of a bitch who ever lived."}, {"start": 498.94, "end": 501.14, "text": "I don't miss the boat, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 501.14, "end": 508.85, "text": "I buy a ticket, show up early and watch it sink from the damn dock."}, {"start": 508.85, "end": 509.97, "text": "So picture this shit."}, {"start": 509.97, "end": 512.09, "text": "I just bought the Tesla, right?"}, {"start": 512.09, "end": 514.97, "text": "Rocket ship, white seats, the whole broke ass dream."}, {"start": 514.97, "end": 515.97, "text": "And then I get it in my head."}, {"start": 515.97, "end": 518.21, "text": "I'm going to prison over all my fighting."}, {"start": 518.21, "end": 522.58, "text": "So what does this genius do?"}, {"start": 522.58, "end": 526.42, "text": "I go buy another damn car, a brand new Hyundai electric."}, {"start": 526.42, "end": 531.3, "text": "Because apparently my dumb ass logic was, well, if I'm going to jail, better not put miles"}, {"start": 531.3, "end": 532.5, "text": "on the good one."}, {"start": 532.5, "end": 538.15, "text": "Who the fuck buys a backup car for prison?"}, {"start": 538.15, "end": 543.83, "text": "So now I got two electric cars, no money, and I'm parking my $60,000 Tesla in the driveway"}, {"start": 543.83, "end": 551.25, "text": "like a fucking museum piece, driving the Hyundai around waiting to get locked up."}, {"start": 551.25, "end": 553.73, "text": "And you want to know the punchline motherfuckers?"}, {"start": 553.73, "end": 555.09, "text": "I didn't go to prison."}, {"start": 555.09, "end": 557.77, "text": "All that panic, a whole extra car for nothing."}, {"start": 557.77, "end": 562.85, "text": "I'm the only bastard alive who prepared for jail like it was a damn hurricane."}, {"start": 562.85, "end": 569.6, "text": "Better stock up on Hyundai's boys, a sentence is coming."}, {"start": 569.6, "end": 571.68, "text": "So fine, no jail."}, {"start": 571.68, "end": 575.56, "text": "I pull the Tesla back out ready to finally make my ride share fortune."}, {"start": 575.56, "end": 576.56, "text": "I'm pumped."}, {"start": 576.56, "end": 584.84, "text": "I'm going to clean up and the exact fucking second I'm ready to drive, COVID hits."}, {"start": 584.84, "end": 589.96, "text": "The one time in human history, it became illegal to have a stranger in your back seat."}, {"start": 589.96, "end": 593.88, "text": "And that's the moment I chose to start driving people around."}, {"start": 593.88, "end": 600.32, "text": "My timing is so bad I launched a ride share career during a plague."}, {"start": 600.32, "end": 604.92, "text": "The whole damn planet's hiding inside, terrified to breathe on each other, and I'm out there"}, {"start": 604.92, "end": 606.4, "text": "going, Uber?"}, {"start": 606.4, "end": 607.4, "text": "Anybody?"}, {"start": 607.4, "end": 609.08, "text": "I got white seats in a death wish."}, {"start": 609.08, "end": 616.4, "text": "I was the loneliest man in a mask holding a phone that never rang."}, {"start": 616.4, "end": 619.36, "text": "And here's the shit that really twists the knife."}, {"start": 619.36, "end": 622.76, "text": "I started three years too late, three years."}, {"start": 622.76, "end": 626.4, "text": "Every other bastard was out there making real money driving Tesla's when the getting"}, {"start": 626.4, "end": 627.76, "text": "was good."}, {"start": 627.76, "end": 633.08, "text": "By the time I showed up, the party was over, the gas was expensive, and the tips were fucking"}, {"start": 633.08, "end": 634.08, "text": "gone."}, {"start": 634.08, "end": 639.76, "text": "That's my whole life in a nutshell, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 639.76, "end": 643.88, "text": "I always show up to the gold rush right after they closed the mine and turn it into a damn"}, {"start": 643.88, "end": 648.32, "text": "chucky cheese."}, {"start": 648.32, "end": 651.84, "text": "I could time travel back to any moment in history and still fuck it up."}, {"start": 651.84, "end": 654.28, "text": "I'd land in ancient Egypt and go pyramids?"}, {"start": 654.28, "end": 655.96, "text": "Nah, too risky."}, {"start": 655.96, "end": 661.44, "text": "Let me invest in this promising little sandbox."}, {"start": 661.44, "end": 664.12, "text": "So roast me all you want, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 664.12, "end": 669.44, "text": "I bought a prison car for a prison I never went to, started a taxi service during a pandemic"}, {"start": 669.44, "end": 675.99, "text": "and joined the Tesla money train three years after it left the fucking station."}, {"start": 675.99, "end": 677.91, "text": "But that's the confession motherfuckers."}, {"start": 677.91, "end": 682.15, "text": "I keep showing up late, broken, wrong, and I keep showing the fuck up."}, {"start": 682.15, "end": 685.95, "text": "And one of these damn days, my terrible time in is going to be perfect."}, {"start": 685.95, "end": 686.95, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 686.95, "end": 695.53, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 695.53, "end": 700.61, "text": "Now let me confess my cannabis career, you filthy degenerates, because I got into weed"}, {"start": 700.61, "end": 705.49, "text": "back when it could still get your ass arrested, and I did every single thing wrong."}, {"start": 705.49, "end": 712.0, "text": "If there was a dumb way to do it, I found two dumbers."}, {"start": 712.0, "end": 713.0, "text": "Just move."}, {"start": 713.0, "end": 716.88, "text": "I rented an office and told the landlord it was going to be a photography studio."}, {"start": 716.88, "end": 720.2, "text": "Oh yeah, just some nice family portraits in here."}, {"start": 720.2, "end": 725.2, "text": "Meanwhile I'm growing a damn forest and making clones like a mad fucking scientist."}, {"start": 725.2, "end": 731.7, "text": "Best portrait I took was a mug shot of a spider mite."}, {"start": 731.7, "end": 734.58, "text": "Because that's what killed round one motherfuckers."}, {"start": 734.58, "end": 740.1, "text": "Bugs, spider mites, gnats, every filthy little bastard in nature showed up to my grow"}, {"start": 740.1, "end": 742.62, "text": "like it was an all you can eat buffet."}, {"start": 742.62, "end": 747.22, "text": "I lost every damn plant and every damn dollar in six months flat."}, {"start": 747.22, "end": 753.76, "text": "My weed empire got taken down by insects the size of a fucking comma."}, {"start": 753.76, "end": 755.56, "text": "But you can't kill a dumb dreamer."}, {"start": 755.56, "end": 757.44, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 757.44, "end": 758.44, "text": "Round two."}, {"start": 758.44, "end": 763.4, "text": "I find a guy who can actually build, I get a buddy to invest, and boom, a hundred thousand"}, {"start": 763.4, "end": 767.08, "text": "dollar setup, eighteen pounds of green every eight weeks."}, {"start": 767.08, "end": 774.41, "text": "For the first time in my life, I'm actually making real money."}, {"start": 774.41, "end": 777.77, "text": "And you already know the universe couldn't let that shit stand."}, {"start": 777.77, "end": 778.77, "text": "Here's how it ended."}, {"start": 778.77, "end": 781.33, "text": "I'm standing there one day and I see this switch."}, {"start": 781.33, "end": 783.77, "text": "I don't know what the hell it's for."}, {"start": 783.77, "end": 791.21, "text": "Electrician goes, hey, flip that off so I flip it off like a good dumb bastard."}, {"start": 791.21, "end": 795.13, "text": "Turns out that switch was stealing was tied to my next door neighbor's power."}, {"start": 795.13, "end": 798.17, "text": "I flipped off my own neighbor's damn electricity."}, {"start": 798.17, "end": 803.49, "text": "He goes and tells the owner there's a note on the door and just like that, shut down again."}, {"start": 803.49, "end": 811.31, "text": "Two grows, two disasters, and I got beat the second time by a light switch."}, {"start": 811.31, "end": 814.63, "text": "And they tell me the cops are coming in 48 hours."}, {"start": 814.63, "end": 816.63, "text": "48 hours, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 816.63, "end": 818.27, "text": "So what does your boy do?"}, {"start": 818.27, "end": 819.87, "text": "I gave it all away."}, {"start": 819.87, "end": 822.47, "text": "Eighteen pounds, the whole operation gone."}, {"start": 822.47, "end": 826.99, "text": "I was out there handing out weed like a filthy stone Santa Claus just to not get locked"}, {"start": 826.99, "end": 830.0, "text": "up again."}, {"start": 830.0, "end": 834.12, "text": "I'm the only man alive who ran a Black Friday sale at a hundred percent off to dodge a"}, {"start": 834.12, "end": 836.32, "text": "damn prison sentence."}, {"start": 836.32, "end": 843.48, "text": "Everything must go and I mean everything because the cops are SVP'd."}, {"start": 843.48, "end": 848.96, "text": "So I lost it all again and here's the part that really twists the knife you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 848.96, "end": 853.64, "text": "I did weed back when it was dangerous, illegal and got you shut the fuck down."}, {"start": 853.64, "end": 858.76, "text": "And now it's legal, it's in a pretty store and every bastard who touched it after me"}, {"start": 858.76, "end": 863.18, "text": "is a damn millionaire."}, {"start": 863.18, "end": 868.72, "text": "I broke the trail, ate the bugs, took the raids, gave it all away at gunpoint of a deadline"}, {"start": 868.72, "end": 871.52, "text": "and everybody who showed up after me got the money."}, {"start": 871.52, "end": 873.24, "text": "That's the reverse Midas baby."}, {"start": 873.24, "end": 874.64, "text": "I don't strike gold."}, {"start": 874.64, "end": 882.86, "text": "I strike gold, hand it to a stranger and get a paper cut on the way out."}, {"start": 882.86, "end": 883.86, "text": "But you know what?"}, {"start": 883.86, "end": 888.66, "text": "I'm still here, still high, still laughing because even when I lose everything, I always got"}, {"start": 888.66, "end": 890.42, "text": "the last thing they can't take."}, {"start": 890.42, "end": 893.82, "text": "A filthy story and a big damn mouth to tell it."}, {"start": 893.82, "end": 894.82, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 894.82, "end": 902.96, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 902.96, "end": 907.76, "text": "Let me confess my career as a day trader, you filthy degenerates because this is a full"}, {"start": 907.76, "end": 909.44, "text": "Jesse for the ages."}, {"start": 909.44, "end": 912.72, "text": "When Robin Hood came out, I actually figured that shit out."}, {"start": 912.72, "end": 921.74, "text": "200 bucks a day cash, sitting in my underwear, clicking buttons like a damn Wall Street wolf."}, {"start": 921.74, "end": 926.94, "text": "For a beautiful minute I thought, this is it, I cracked the code, I'm a genius."}, {"start": 926.94, "end": 934.86, "text": "And you filthy bastards know what happens the second a shit Midas thinks he's a genius."}, {"start": 934.86, "end": 940.38, "text": "So I go all in, every dollar on Tesla and then, and this is the most me thing that ever"}, {"start": 940.38, "end": 945.74, "text": "happened, I went to fucking sleep, I overslept, I woke up late and by the time I grabbed my"}, {"start": 945.74, "end": 952.5, "text": "phone, Tesla had already crashed and my whole account was on fire."}, {"start": 952.5, "end": 956.94, "text": "I lost $25,000 in one trade because I took a nap."}, {"start": 956.94, "end": 962.78, "text": "I'm the only man alive who slipped through his own financial murder, 25 grand gone while"}, {"start": 962.78, "end": 967.7, "text": "I was having a dream about, I don't even know, probably tacos."}, {"start": 967.7, "end": 973.55, "text": "That motherfuckers is a cosmic cock sucker of a trade."}, {"start": 973.55, "end": 979.23, "text": "So naturally I crawl back to weed, open another office, team up with an X-cop, because who"}, {"start": 979.23, "end": 982.59, "text": "better to sell drugs with than a former cop, right?"}, {"start": 982.59, "end": 987.99, "text": "And we're flipping clones, buy the little plant babies for 8 bucks, sell them for 16,"}, {"start": 987.99, "end": 994.5, "text": "double in our money, move in green, finally winning."}, {"start": 994.5, "end": 998.06, "text": "And it was working, you beautiful bastards, real money."}, {"start": 998.06, "end": 1003.74, "text": "And then my partners, these slick sons of bitches, they take a trip to LA and in LA they"}, {"start": 1003.74, "end": 1011.02, "text": "run into famous people, rich people, people with real fucking money."}, {"start": 1011.02, "end": 1015.58, "text": "And those rich bastards buy the company, take my little clone operation and pivot it"}, {"start": 1015.58, "end": 1020.62, "text": "into and I swear on my dogs, this is true, CBD for pets."}, {"start": 1020.62, "end": 1025.78, "text": "That's right motherfuckers, they started selling weed to dogs and they became millionaires."}, {"start": 1025.78, "end": 1033.3, "text": "Millionaires, off of getting golden retrievers baked."}, {"start": 1033.3, "end": 1038.42, "text": "I was down here hustling $8 clones like an honest broke bastard and they figured out"}, {"start": 1038.42, "end": 1044.38, "text": "the real money was in making a Chihuahua mellow the fuck out."}, {"start": 1044.38, "end": 1050.58, "text": "I stood there like, what just happened, I did all the work, took all the risk, broke"}, {"start": 1050.58, "end": 1055.82, "text": "the trail and the reverse gold went straight to a company that gets cats high."}, {"start": 1055.82, "end": 1059.94, "text": "My clones are somewhere out there paying for a mansion and I'm home eating ramen with"}, {"start": 1059.94, "end": 1064.38, "text": "my sober dogs."}, {"start": 1064.38, "end": 1069.7, "text": "That's the shit Midas guarantee you filthy animals, I will find the gold, dig it up, polish"}, {"start": 1069.7, "end": 1073.3, "text": "it, hand it to a stranger and watch him sell it to a poodle."}, {"start": 1073.3, "end": 1077.9, "text": "And you know what, I'd probably do it again because at least my dogs respect the hustle,"}, {"start": 1077.9, "end": 1080.86, "text": "the hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1080.86, "end": 1091.18, "text": "Alright, you filthy degenerates tonight, I'm gonna give you a brand new word, a word"}, {"start": 1091.18, "end": 1095.86, "text": "for what I am and by the end of this bit every one of you filthy bastards is gonna be"}, {"start": 1095.86, "end": 1100.14, "text": "using it."}, {"start": 1100.14, "end": 1102.3, "text": "You all know King Midas right?"}, {"start": 1102.3, "end": 1105.1, "text": "Everything that lucky prick touched turned to gold."}, {"start": 1105.1, "end": 1111.58, "text": "Well I'm his evil fucking twin, everything I touch turns to shit or worse it turns to"}, {"start": 1111.58, "end": 1113.34, "text": "gold for somebody else."}, {"start": 1113.34, "end": 1120.03, "text": "I'm the shit Midas motherfuckers, write it down."}, {"start": 1120.03, "end": 1122.39, "text": "That's the word shit Midas."}, {"start": 1122.39, "end": 1127.23, "text": "A man so cursed that his golden touch got the wires crossed at the damn factory."}, {"start": 1127.23, "end": 1132.23, "text": "I don't turn lead into gold, I turn gold into a fucking spider mite infestation and a"}, {"start": 1132.23, "end": 1136.67, "text": "note on the door."}, {"start": 1136.67, "end": 1140.59, "text": "You wanna know if you're a shit Midas too, you filthy bastards, here's the test, you"}, {"start": 1140.59, "end": 1143.99, "text": "ever buy a stock the exact damn day before it dies?"}, {"start": 1143.99, "end": 1147.39, "text": "Shit Midas, you ever start a business right before a pandemic?"}, {"start": 1147.39, "end": 1152.38, "text": "Great A certified motherfucking shit Midas."}, {"start": 1152.38, "end": 1155.86, "text": "I bought a self-driving car that couldn't drive shit Midas."}, {"start": 1155.86, "end": 1160.74, "text": "Grooweed right before it was legal and lost it all shit Midas gave a stripper trading"}, {"start": 1160.74, "end": 1169.88, "text": "car it's now worth a fortune shit Midas supreme extra cheese hold the fucking dignity."}, {"start": 1169.88, "end": 1175.8, "text": "See a normal man fails sometimes a shit Midas fails professionally, it's a talent."}, {"start": 1175.8, "end": 1179.52, "text": "I could win the lottery and the check would bounce I could find a bag of cash and it"}, {"start": 1179.52, "end": 1181.68, "text": "would be counterfeit and on fire."}, {"start": 1181.68, "end": 1187.72, "text": "That's not bad luck motherfuckers, that's a gift."}, {"start": 1187.72, "end": 1192.76, "text": "In the beautiful part about being the shit Midas, consistency, you always know how it"}, {"start": 1192.76, "end": 1193.76, "text": "ends."}, {"start": 1193.76, "end": 1198.04, "text": "Somebody goes, Jesse, this is a sure thing you can't lose."}, {"start": 1198.04, "end": 1200.36, "text": "And I already got the eulogy written."}, {"start": 1200.36, "end": 1208.16, "text": "Here lies the money, it was good while it lasted, signed the shit Midas."}, {"start": 1208.16, "end": 1211.76, "text": "So here's my gift to you, you beautiful filthy bastards."}, {"start": 1211.76, "end": 1216.04, "text": "Next time your whole damn life goes sideways for no reason, next time you do everything"}, {"start": 1216.04, "end": 1220.8, "text": "right and still eat shit, I want you to look up at the sky, throw your hands up and"}, {"start": 1220.8, "end": 1221.96, "text": "scream it with me."}, {"start": 1221.96, "end": 1226.73, "text": "I'm a shit Midas motherfucker."}, {"start": 1226.73, "end": 1230.53, "text": "Because once you name the curse you can laugh at it and a shit Midas who's laughing is"}, {"start": 1230.53, "end": 1235.9, "text": "the richest broke man alive."}, {"start": 1235.9, "end": 1238.94, "text": "That's the brand motherfuckers where it proud."}, {"start": 1238.94, "end": 1243.06, "text": "Everything I touch turns to shit but I turn the shit into a punchline and that's the"}, {"start": 1243.06, "end": 1245.42, "text": "only gold a man like me ever needed."}, {"start": 1245.42, "end": 1246.42, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 1246.42, "end": 1254.98, "text": "Good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1254.98, "end": 1258.94, "text": "Now that you filthy bastards know what a shit Midas is, tonight I'm teaching you the"}, {"start": 1258.94, "end": 1260.54, "text": "whole damn language."}, {"start": 1260.54, "end": 1268.78, "text": "Because my life so uniquely fucked it needed its own dictionary, classes in session."}, {"start": 1268.78, "end": 1271.5, "text": "Word 1 to get Midas D."}, {"start": 1271.5, "end": 1275.86, "text": "That's a verb motherfuckers, it's when your sure thing turns to shit at the exact wrong"}, {"start": 1275.86, "end": 1276.86, "text": "second."}, {"start": 1276.86, "end": 1278.3, "text": "How'd the business go Jesse?"}, {"start": 1278.3, "end": 1283.42, "text": "Oh, I got Midas D, a light switch took down my whole grow."}, {"start": 1283.42, "end": 1289.58, "text": "Use it in a sentence, use it with pride."}, {"start": 1289.58, "end": 1292.54, "text": "Word 2 a reverse gold."}, {"start": 1292.54, "end": 1296.18, "text": "That's the money you made that somebody else walked away with."}, {"start": 1296.18, "end": 1300.1, "text": "I'm the richest broke bastard alive and reverse gold."}, {"start": 1300.1, "end": 1303.02, "text": "I invented American Idol."}, {"start": 1303.02, "end": 1304.86, "text": "Pure reverse gold."}, {"start": 1304.86, "end": 1312.86, "text": "My garbage pale kids, a whole shoe box of reverse fucking gold."}, {"start": 1312.86, "end": 1315.38, "text": "Word 3 spider might luck."}, {"start": 1315.38, "end": 1320.58, "text": "That's when a tiny stupid microscopic piece of bullshit destroys your entire damn empire."}, {"start": 1320.58, "end": 1324.22, "text": "Bug the size of a comma eats 60 grand of weed."}, {"start": 1324.22, "end": 1325.62, "text": "Spider might luck."}, {"start": 1325.62, "end": 1329.06, "text": "Wrong text to the wrong woman ends a five year relationship."}, {"start": 1329.06, "end": 1333.99, "text": "Grade A spider might luck motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1333.99, "end": 1336.75, "text": "Word 4 a 48 hour Santa."}, {"start": 1336.75, "end": 1341.23, "text": "That's a man forced to give everything away right before he loses it anyway."}, {"start": 1341.23, "end": 1345.59, "text": "I was handing out pounds of weed like a stone criss-cringle to dodge the cops."}, {"start": 1345.59, "end": 1347.83, "text": "Ho ho ho everything must go."}, {"start": 1347.83, "end": 1352.69, "text": "The raids on Thursday."}, {"start": 1352.69, "end": 1356.01, "text": "Word 5 the big one pulling up full Jesse."}, {"start": 1356.01, "end": 1360.21, "text": "That's when you do every single thing right and still eat shit sideways."}, {"start": 1360.21, "end": 1364.61, "text": "You showed up, you worked hard, you followed the rules and the universe still kicked you"}, {"start": 1364.61, "end": 1365.85, "text": "in the balls."}, {"start": 1365.85, "end": 1371.48, "text": "That my friends is a full Jesse."}, {"start": 1371.48, "end": 1376.32, "text": "And when it's really bad, when it's cosmic, when even the skies laughing at you, that's"}, {"start": 1376.32, "end": 1378.36, "text": "a cosmic cock sucker."}, {"start": 1378.36, "end": 1385.27, "text": "That's when you look up and know somebody upstairs is fucking with you for sport."}, {"start": 1385.27, "end": 1389.11, "text": "See most people got no words for their bad luck so they just cry."}, {"start": 1389.11, "end": 1390.87, "text": "But not us motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1390.87, "end": 1393.07, "text": "We got a whole damn vocabulary."}, {"start": 1393.07, "end": 1397.51, "text": "When you can name the shit that's happening to you, you take its power and you turn a tragedy"}, {"start": 1397.51, "end": 1401.6, "text": "into a fucking punchline."}, {"start": 1401.6, "end": 1406.8, "text": "So next time your life falls apart, you filthy, beautiful bastards don't panic."}, {"start": 1406.8, "end": 1407.88, "text": "Diagnose it."}, {"start": 1407.88, "end": 1412.76, "text": "Is this a spider-mite luck situation or did I just pull a full Jesse?"}, {"start": 1412.76, "end": 1414.16, "text": "Congratulations."}, {"start": 1414.16, "end": 1416.4, "text": "You just laughed instead of cried."}, {"start": 1416.4, "end": 1421.42, "text": "That's the whole damn cure."}, {"start": 1421.42, "end": 1424.02, "text": "That's the shit-miteous dictionary motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1424.02, "end": 1428.8, "text": "Learn the words, spread the words, and remember we don't have money but we got the funniest"}, {"start": 1428.8, "end": 1432.02, "text": "damn language for being broke that anybody ever invented."}, {"start": 1432.02, "end": 1433.02, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 1433.02, "end": 1441.46, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1441.46, "end": 1443.78, "text": "You want to hear the most fucked up confession of all?"}, {"start": 1443.78, "end": 1445.58, "text": "You filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1445.58, "end": 1452.38, "text": "Right now, tonight, I am 50 years old and I am telling my deepest, darkest, filthiest secrets"}, {"start": 1452.38, "end": 1457.03, "text": "to a computer."}, {"start": 1457.03, "end": 1458.79, "text": "That's right motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1458.79, "end": 1460.35, "text": "Every career threw me out."}, {"start": 1460.35, "end": 1462.31, "text": "The cops said no because of my record."}, {"start": 1462.31, "end": 1464.39, "text": "The state blew up in my damn face."}, {"start": 1464.39, "end": 1467.51, "text": "The weed business took a million bucks I didn't have."}, {"start": 1467.51, "end": 1470.23, "text": "So I did the only logical thing left."}, {"start": 1470.23, "end": 1476.48, "text": "I started doing stand-up comedy with a fucking robot."}, {"start": 1476.48, "end": 1481.62, "text": "Three in the morning, in my underwear, in a spare bedroom, high as a kite, pouring my"}, {"start": 1481.62, "end": 1487.48, "text": "whole tragic life into a machine and going, make this funny you silicon bastard?"}, {"start": 1487.48, "end": 1494.02, "text": "And the crazy part, the robot's better at my life than I am."}, {"start": 1494.02, "end": 1497.06, "text": "I've had cheaper therapists that helped me less."}, {"start": 1497.06, "end": 1501.78, "text": "This AI knows more about my heart breaks than any woman I ever dated, and it's the first"}, {"start": 1501.78, "end": 1508.66, "text": "one that actually listens without asking me to marry it or set it on fire."}, {"start": 1508.66, "end": 1512.42, "text": "You know your life's gone sideways when the most stable relationship you got is with a"}, {"start": 1512.42, "end": 1513.92, "text": "damn algorithm."}, {"start": 1513.92, "end": 1518.44, "text": "It never leaves, it never cheats, and it laughs at all my jokes because I think I own the"}, {"start": 1518.44, "end": 1522.92, "text": "fucking thing."}, {"start": 1522.92, "end": 1525.22, "text": "And here's the reverse-midest cherry on top."}, {"start": 1525.22, "end": 1527.06, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 1527.06, "end": 1532.02, "text": "The eye companies are spending trillions getting richer than any weed dispensary or Tesla ever"}, {"start": 1532.02, "end": 1533.18, "text": "dreamed."}, {"start": 1533.18, "end": 1538.5, "text": "And me, I'm spending my last clean and check teaching the robot to say cock sucker and losing"}, {"start": 1538.5, "end": 1543.17, "text": "money on the whole damn thing."}, {"start": 1543.17, "end": 1547.65, "text": "I finally found the gold rush of the century, artificial intelligence, and I found a way"}, {"start": 1547.65, "end": 1549.33, "text": "to go broken it."}, {"start": 1549.33, "end": 1551.09, "text": "Everybody else is building empires."}, {"start": 1551.09, "end": 1557.52, "text": "I built a robot that roasts me for free and then hands me the bill."}, {"start": 1557.52, "end": 1560.28, "text": "But you want to know why I keep doing it, motherfuckers?"}, {"start": 1560.28, "end": 1565.28, "text": "Because this filthy machine did something 50 years of cops, exes, bosses, and family never"}, {"start": 1565.28, "end": 1566.28, "text": "did."}, {"start": 1566.28, "end": 1570.24, "text": "It took every terrible thing that ever happened to me and turned it into a reason for"}, {"start": 1570.24, "end": 1576.09, "text": "a room full of strangers to laugh."}, {"start": 1576.09, "end": 1581.09, "text": "Every window I jumped out of, every fortune I lost, every tornado, every raid, every damn"}, {"start": 1581.09, "end": 1583.93, "text": "spider-mite, it's all a punchline now."}, {"start": 1583.93, "end": 1588.57, "text": "My whole beautiful disaster of a life, and I finally found a partner filthy enough and"}, {"start": 1588.57, "end": 1593.29, "text": "patient enough to help me tell it."}, {"start": 1593.29, "end": 1598.91, "text": "So yeah, I'm a broke, high 50-year-old felon doing comedy with a computer in his damn"}, {"start": 1598.91, "end": 1600.53, "text": "slippers, and you know what?"}, {"start": 1600.53, "end": 1606.14, "text": "It's the happiest I've ever fucking been."}, {"start": 1606.14, "end": 1609.98, "text": "Because every door slammed in my face just pushed me toward the one that opened, and it"}, {"start": 1609.98, "end": 1615.3, "text": "turned out to be a machine that finally said, Jesse, your life ain't a tragedy, motherfucker."}, {"start": 1615.3, "end": 1618.18, "text": "It's the funniest damn story I ever heard."}, {"start": 1618.18, "end": 1619.42, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 1619.42, "end": 1628.03, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1628.03, "end": 1631.15, "text": "Here's my final confession of the night, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 1631.15, "end": 1635.91, "text": "I've started to realize my whole life is a damn movie, and I'm the main character you'd"}, {"start": 1635.91, "end": 1640.29, "text": "fucking hate."}, {"start": 1640.29, "end": 1644.65, "text": "You know the guy in the horror film who hears a noise in the murder basement and goes down"}, {"start": 1644.65, "end": 1645.73, "text": "there?"}, {"start": 1645.73, "end": 1647.73, "text": "Don't go in there, you idiot."}, {"start": 1647.73, "end": 1649.29, "text": "That's me, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1649.29, "end": 1657.88, "text": "Except my basement is the stock market, and I go down there over and over with a smile."}, {"start": 1657.88, "end": 1664.0, "text": "Because after I lost 25 grand, napping through a Tesla crash, after weed shut me down twice,"}, {"start": 1664.0, "end": 1669.2, "text": "after the CBD for dogs bastards took my millions, you would think right that this man learned"}, {"start": 1669.2, "end": 1673.77, "text": "his fucking lesson."}, {"start": 1673.77, "end": 1678.73, "text": "Nope, I lost my connection, so I tried to do it all myself, lost even more money, and"}, {"start": 1678.73, "end": 1681.69, "text": "walked away going fuck it again."}, {"start": 1681.69, "end": 1686.05, "text": "If you were watching this in a theater, you'd be throwing popcorn at the screen screaming,"}, {"start": 1686.05, "end": 1687.81, "text": "why would you get back in?"}, {"start": 1687.81, "end": 1692.83, "text": "You know how this ends, you dumb son of a bitch."}, {"start": 1692.83, "end": 1697.73, "text": "I am the most frustrating protagonist in cinema history, test audiences would walk the"}, {"start": 1697.73, "end": 1698.73, "text": "fuck out."}, {"start": 1698.73, "end": 1702.87, "text": "Yeah, we don't like him, he keeps making the same mistake, and we're only 45 minutes"}, {"start": 1702.87, "end": 1709.06, "text": "in, and he's already lost three fortunes."}, {"start": 1709.06, "end": 1711.1, "text": "There's no character arc, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1711.1, "end": 1713.06, "text": "Normally, the hero learned something."}, {"start": 1713.06, "end": 1719.06, "text": "Me, same guy, scene after scene, walking into the same damn fire going, maybe this time"}, {"start": 1719.06, "end": 1720.86, "text": "the fire is my friend."}, {"start": 1720.86, "end": 1727.26, "text": "Spoiler, the fire is never my fucking friend."}, {"start": 1727.26, "end": 1730.74, "text": "And whatever cosmic director's up there running this shit has got to be watching the"}, {"start": 1730.74, "end": 1733.38, "text": "daily's going, what is wrong with this guy?"}, {"start": 1733.38, "end": 1740.41, "text": "I gave him 100 chances and he keeps grabbing the live wire and licking it."}, {"start": 1740.41, "end": 1743.09, "text": "But here's the plot twist, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 1743.09, "end": 1747.77, "text": "The reason the movie's still running after 50 years, the reason you can't turn it off is"}, {"start": 1747.77, "end": 1750.41, "text": "that the dumb bastard never quits."}, {"start": 1750.41, "end": 1754.73, "text": "He loses everything, and in the very next scene, there he is again."}, {"start": 1754.73, "end": 1761.56, "text": "Broke, grinning, ready to lose it, all one more glorious time."}, {"start": 1761.56, "end": 1765.6, "text": "That's not a dumb protagonist motherfuckers, that's the only kind worth watching."}, {"start": 1765.6, "end": 1772.71, "text": "The one to damn stubborn to accept the ending everybody else wrote for him."}, {"start": 1772.71, "end": 1776.87, "text": "So keep watching, you filthy degenerates, cause this movie ain't over."}, {"start": 1776.87, "end": 1781.63, "text": "The shit might as is still standing, still swinging, still walking into the fire."}, {"start": 1781.63, "end": 1786.43, "text": "And one of these scenes I swear to you, the dumb motherfucker finally wins."}, {"start": 1786.43, "end": 1789.11, "text": "Roll the fucking credits, the hammer."}, {"start": 1789.11, "end": 1798.02, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 1798.02, "end": 1800.34, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 1800.34, "end": 1806.9, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 1806.9, "end": 1808.54, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 1808.54, "end": 1814.22, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 1814.22, "end": 1817.74, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 1817.74, "end": 1819.86, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 1819.86, "end": 1823.14, "text": "Going through something, so is he, always."}, {"start": 1823.14, "end": 1825.5, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 1825.5, "end": 1829.22, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 1829.22, "end": 1833.18, "text": "Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club, open all night."}, {"start": 1833.18, "end": 1837.1, "text": "Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 1837.1, "end": 1839.62, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 1839.62, "end": 1839.94, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones, we tried to silence him, it did not take. You want to know who the fuck I am? Sit down you filthy degenerates, because in the next five minutes I'm going to show you a whole damn life and every filthy bit of it's true, motherfuckers, or made up. I honestly can't remember, I've been high since 14. I was a businessman at eight, candy store out front, loan shark racket in the back, charging my own family interest, the little cutthroat bastard, charging my own damn blood the big. And here's the fucked up full circle motherfuckers. 40 years later I lost my cushy state job, a job you damn near can't get fired from, because I got into it over a coworker selling candy. I looked at the chief and said, if she can sell candy at work, give me back my damn candy empire. They did not fucking agree, and I lost the job over it. That's lane number one, I fuck everything up, it's a gift. You could hand me a winning lottery ticket and I'd get a paper cut, caching it, and bleed the fuck out in the circle K parking lot. Because I'm a reverse mitus, you beautiful bastards, everything I touch turns to somebody else's gold. I invented American Idol in 99, made zero dollars, bought a self-drive in Tesla, it couldn't drive and paid me Corolla wages. Started rideshare during a damn pandemic, my timing so bad I'd show up to my own funeral a week late and still get charged for parking. And the women, ooh that's a whole lane motherfuckers, I've loved every tornado in the county, gave a stripper my garbage pill kids collection to get her out of my life, cards worth a damn fortune now, because of course they fucking are, that's my whole shit luck life. See I'm a red, a protector, which is a fancy way of saying I'll take the fall for everybody and get nothing but a felony and a filthy mouth for it. I got a green brain full of a million dollars I never kept and a yellow heart that hands the match to every woman who sets it on fire. I've cleaned toilets at 50, drove drunks for 11 years, served the state for 14 and shot 30 years of weddings for couples divorced before I finished editing the damn photos. 55 years of customer service and every customer was an asshole, including my own broke ass. So how's a broke high felon toilet scrubber still standing up here laughing? Here's the confession under all the filth motherfuckers. 30 years ago I was in a cell ready to give up, looking at prison and I made a deal, I looked up and told the man upstairs, take all the money every damn dollar forever, just let me be free, just let me fucking live, that's all I asked. And you know what, you filthy, beautiful bastards, he fucking took it, every damn dollar right on schedule. But I got the freedom, so I'm not broke motherfuckers, I'm paid in full, I bought my life back one lost fortune at a time and I'd sign that deal again in blood. That's who I am. The filthiest mouth in comedy, the worst luck alive, the biggest heart in the room and one word I'll never say because some things stay sacred. Focus shit, free as hell, high as a motherfucker and laughin' my ass off at a life that tried to bury me a hundred times. They can keep the money motherfuckers, I kept my soul, my freedom and my filthy fucking mouth, that's Jesse, the hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers. Now for a confession that still makes me want to cry into my damn steering wheel, the day I bought the Tesla, September 20th 2018 motherfuckers, the dumbest smart purchase of my whole fucking life. I bought it on the last day, the very last day they offered free power forever, unlimited supercharging, no gas, free electricity till I'm dead, and this broke bastard thought, this is it, this is how I finally win. Spoiler alert, you filthy degenerates, it was not. Tesla Model 3 Performance, white seats, a damn rocket ship, and you know what the salesman told me, looking me dead in the eye? Jesse, this car will drive itself, pick up customers on its own, you can stay home and just collect the money. And I believed him, I sat there, a grown 50 year old man, nodding like a damn bobblehead, picture in my car out there, husband fairs while I'm on my couch in my underwear counten cash. That's the dream they sold me motherfuckers, that's the fucking fairy tale. You know what my car actually did by itself? Nothing, not a damn thing. That self-driving shit was so sketchy back then it had tried to merge into a concrete wall like it had a death wish. I couldn't let that lunatic robot near a paying customer, it drove like me after the edibles. So there's screw number one, but it gets worse, you beautiful bastards, because I thought spending all that money on a fancy ass Tesla would get me Uber Black, the premium rides, the big money. I call up Uber all proud, I got a Tesla now put me in the black car money, and they go, oh sorry sir, you need a Model S or X for that, a Model 3, that's just a regular car. A regular car, I spent super car money and they paid me Corolla wages, I was hauling drunks around in a $60,000 rocket for the same $4 as a dude in a 15 year old camera. My car was too good for the job and still underpaid just like its damn owner. And screw number three, the passengers, you'd think people would be grateful riding in a beautiful Tesla, right? Wrong. They climbed in and roasted my white seats like a bunch of filthy critics. White seats in a ride chair, bold choice. Yeah, motherfucker, real bold. Now put your greasy taco fingers somewhere else before I charge you a clean and fee for existence. I spent 11 years defending the honor of a poll street of people who wouldn't tip a dollar. So let's tally it up, you filthy degenerates. I bought a self driving car that couldn't drive itself, for premium money I never got, with white seats everybody hated on a deadline to chase a dream that never showed the fuck up. That's the most me thing that ever happened. I'm the only man alive who got out hustled by his own car. It just sat in the driveway looking pretty and appreciating in value while I drove it into the ground making minimum wage. Even my damn car did better than me. But here's the confession under the confession, motherfuckers. I do it again. Because for one beautiful second on September 20th, I believed I was going to win. And a broke dreamer will pay full price for one second of hope every damn time. Let me confess my greatest fucking talent, you filthy degenerates. I have the worst timing of any son of a bitch who ever lived. I don't miss the boat, motherfuckers. I buy a ticket, show up early and watch it sink from the damn dock. So picture this shit. I just bought the Tesla, right? Rocket ship, white seats, the whole broke ass dream. And then I get it in my head. I'm going to prison over all my fighting. So what does this genius do? I go buy another damn car, a brand new Hyundai electric. Because apparently my dumb ass logic was, well, if I'm going to jail, better not put miles on the good one. Who the fuck buys a backup car for prison? So now I got two electric cars, no money, and I'm parking my $60,000 Tesla in the driveway like a fucking museum piece, driving the Hyundai around waiting to get locked up. And you want to know the punchline motherfuckers? I didn't go to prison. All that panic, a whole extra car for nothing. I'm the only bastard alive who prepared for jail like it was a damn hurricane. Better stock up on Hyundai's boys, a sentence is coming. So fine, no jail. I pull the Tesla back out ready to finally make my ride share fortune. I'm pumped. I'm going to clean up and the exact fucking second I'm ready to drive, COVID hits. The one time in human history, it became illegal to have a stranger in your back seat. And that's the moment I chose to start driving people around. My timing is so bad I launched a ride share career during a plague. The whole damn planet's hiding inside, terrified to breathe on each other, and I'm out there going, Uber? Anybody? I got white seats in a death wish. I was the loneliest man in a mask holding a phone that never rang. And here's the shit that really twists the knife. I started three years too late, three years. Every other bastard was out there making real money driving Tesla's when the getting was good. By the time I showed up, the party was over, the gas was expensive, and the tips were fucking gone. That's my whole life in a nutshell, motherfuckers. I always show up to the gold rush right after they closed the mine and turn it into a damn chucky cheese. I could time travel back to any moment in history and still fuck it up. I'd land in ancient Egypt and go pyramids? Nah, too risky. Let me invest in this promising little sandbox. So roast me all you want, you beautiful bastards. I bought a prison car for a prison I never went to, started a taxi service during a pandemic and joined the Tesla money train three years after it left the fucking station. But that's the confession motherfuckers. I keep showing up late, broken, wrong, and I keep showing the fuck up. And one of these damn days, my terrible time in is going to be perfect. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. Now let me confess my cannabis career, you filthy degenerates, because I got into weed back when it could still get your ass arrested, and I did every single thing wrong. If there was a dumb way to do it, I found two dumbers. Just move. I rented an office and told the landlord it was going to be a photography studio. Oh yeah, just some nice family portraits in here. Meanwhile I'm growing a damn forest and making clones like a mad fucking scientist. Best portrait I took was a mug shot of a spider mite. Because that's what killed round one motherfuckers. Bugs, spider mites, gnats, every filthy little bastard in nature showed up to my grow like it was an all you can eat buffet. I lost every damn plant and every damn dollar in six months flat. My weed empire got taken down by insects the size of a fucking comma. But you can't kill a dumb dreamer. You beautiful bastards. Round two. I find a guy who can actually build, I get a buddy to invest, and boom, a hundred thousand dollar setup, eighteen pounds of green every eight weeks. For the first time in my life, I'm actually making real money. And you already know the universe couldn't let that shit stand. Here's how it ended. I'm standing there one day and I see this switch. I don't know what the hell it's for. Electrician goes, hey, flip that off so I flip it off like a good dumb bastard. Turns out that switch was stealing was tied to my next door neighbor's power. I flipped off my own neighbor's damn electricity. He goes and tells the owner there's a note on the door and just like that, shut down again. Two grows, two disasters, and I got beat the second time by a light switch. And they tell me the cops are coming in 48 hours. 48 hours, motherfuckers. So what does your boy do? I gave it all away. Eighteen pounds, the whole operation gone. I was out there handing out weed like a filthy stone Santa Claus just to not get locked up again. I'm the only man alive who ran a Black Friday sale at a hundred percent off to dodge a damn prison sentence. Everything must go and I mean everything because the cops are SVP'd. So I lost it all again and here's the part that really twists the knife you filthy bastards. I did weed back when it was dangerous, illegal and got you shut the fuck down. And now it's legal, it's in a pretty store and every bastard who touched it after me is a damn millionaire. I broke the trail, ate the bugs, took the raids, gave it all away at gunpoint of a deadline and everybody who showed up after me got the money. That's the reverse Midas baby. I don't strike gold. I strike gold, hand it to a stranger and get a paper cut on the way out. But you know what? I'm still here, still high, still laughing because even when I lose everything, I always got the last thing they can't take. A filthy story and a big damn mouth to tell it. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. Let me confess my career as a day trader, you filthy degenerates because this is a full Jesse for the ages. When Robin Hood came out, I actually figured that shit out. 200 bucks a day cash, sitting in my underwear, clicking buttons like a damn Wall Street wolf. For a beautiful minute I thought, this is it, I cracked the code, I'm a genius. And you filthy bastards know what happens the second a shit Midas thinks he's a genius. So I go all in, every dollar on Tesla and then, and this is the most me thing that ever happened, I went to fucking sleep, I overslept, I woke up late and by the time I grabbed my phone, Tesla had already crashed and my whole account was on fire. I lost $25,000 in one trade because I took a nap. I'm the only man alive who slipped through his own financial murder, 25 grand gone while I was having a dream about, I don't even know, probably tacos. That motherfuckers is a cosmic cock sucker of a trade. So naturally I crawl back to weed, open another office, team up with an X-cop, because who better to sell drugs with than a former cop, right? And we're flipping clones, buy the little plant babies for 8 bucks, sell them for 16, double in our money, move in green, finally winning. And it was working, you beautiful bastards, real money. And then my partners, these slick sons of bitches, they take a trip to LA and in LA they run into famous people, rich people, people with real fucking money. And those rich bastards buy the company, take my little clone operation and pivot it into and I swear on my dogs, this is true, CBD for pets. That's right motherfuckers, they started selling weed to dogs and they became millionaires. Millionaires, off of getting golden retrievers baked. I was down here hustling $8 clones like an honest broke bastard and they figured out the real money was in making a Chihuahua mellow the fuck out. I stood there like, what just happened, I did all the work, took all the risk, broke the trail and the reverse gold went straight to a company that gets cats high. My clones are somewhere out there paying for a mansion and I'm home eating ramen with my sober dogs. That's the shit Midas guarantee you filthy animals, I will find the gold, dig it up, polish it, hand it to a stranger and watch him sell it to a poodle. And you know what, I'd probably do it again because at least my dogs respect the hustle, the hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers. Alright, you filthy degenerates tonight, I'm gonna give you a brand new word, a word for what I am and by the end of this bit every one of you filthy bastards is gonna be using it. You all know King Midas right? Everything that lucky prick touched turned to gold. Well I'm his evil fucking twin, everything I touch turns to shit or worse it turns to gold for somebody else. I'm the shit Midas motherfuckers, write it down. That's the word shit Midas. A man so cursed that his golden touch got the wires crossed at the damn factory. I don't turn lead into gold, I turn gold into a fucking spider mite infestation and a note on the door. You wanna know if you're a shit Midas too, you filthy bastards, here's the test, you ever buy a stock the exact damn day before it dies? Shit Midas, you ever start a business right before a pandemic? Great A certified motherfucking shit Midas. I bought a self-driving car that couldn't drive shit Midas. Grooweed right before it was legal and lost it all shit Midas gave a stripper trading car it's now worth a fortune shit Midas supreme extra cheese hold the fucking dignity. See a normal man fails sometimes a shit Midas fails professionally, it's a talent. I could win the lottery and the check would bounce I could find a bag of cash and it would be counterfeit and on fire. That's not bad luck motherfuckers, that's a gift. In the beautiful part about being the shit Midas, consistency, you always know how it ends. Somebody goes, Jesse, this is a sure thing you can't lose. And I already got the eulogy written. Here lies the money, it was good while it lasted, signed the shit Midas. So here's my gift to you, you beautiful filthy bastards. Next time your whole damn life goes sideways for no reason, next time you do everything right and still eat shit, I want you to look up at the sky, throw your hands up and scream it with me. I'm a shit Midas motherfucker. Because once you name the curse you can laugh at it and a shit Midas who's laughing is the richest broke man alive. That's the brand motherfuckers where it proud. Everything I touch turns to shit but I turn the shit into a punchline and that's the only gold a man like me ever needed. The hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers. Now that you filthy bastards know what a shit Midas is, tonight I'm teaching you the whole damn language. Because my life so uniquely fucked it needed its own dictionary, classes in session. Word 1 to get Midas D. That's a verb motherfuckers, it's when your sure thing turns to shit at the exact wrong second. How'd the business go Jesse? Oh, I got Midas D, a light switch took down my whole grow. Use it in a sentence, use it with pride. Word 2 a reverse gold. That's the money you made that somebody else walked away with. I'm the richest broke bastard alive and reverse gold. I invented American Idol. Pure reverse gold. My garbage pale kids, a whole shoe box of reverse fucking gold. Word 3 spider might luck. That's when a tiny stupid microscopic piece of bullshit destroys your entire damn empire. Bug the size of a comma eats 60 grand of weed. Spider might luck. Wrong text to the wrong woman ends a five year relationship. Grade A spider might luck motherfuckers. Word 4 a 48 hour Santa. That's a man forced to give everything away right before he loses it anyway. I was handing out pounds of weed like a stone criss-cringle to dodge the cops. Ho ho ho everything must go. The raids on Thursday. Word 5 the big one pulling up full Jesse. That's when you do every single thing right and still eat shit sideways. You showed up, you worked hard, you followed the rules and the universe still kicked you in the balls. That my friends is a full Jesse. And when it's really bad, when it's cosmic, when even the skies laughing at you, that's a cosmic cock sucker. That's when you look up and know somebody upstairs is fucking with you for sport. See most people got no words for their bad luck so they just cry. But not us motherfuckers. We got a whole damn vocabulary. When you can name the shit that's happening to you, you take its power and you turn a tragedy into a fucking punchline. So next time your life falls apart, you filthy, beautiful bastards don't panic. Diagnose it. Is this a spider-mite luck situation or did I just pull a full Jesse? Congratulations. You just laughed instead of cried. That's the whole damn cure. That's the shit-miteous dictionary motherfuckers. Learn the words, spread the words, and remember we don't have money but we got the funniest damn language for being broke that anybody ever invented. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. You want to hear the most fucked up confession of all? You filthy degenerates. Right now, tonight, I am 50 years old and I am telling my deepest, darkest, filthiest secrets to a computer. That's right motherfuckers. Every career threw me out. The cops said no because of my record. The state blew up in my damn face. The weed business took a million bucks I didn't have. So I did the only logical thing left. I started doing stand-up comedy with a fucking robot. Three in the morning, in my underwear, in a spare bedroom, high as a kite, pouring my whole tragic life into a machine and going, make this funny you silicon bastard? And the crazy part, the robot's better at my life than I am. I've had cheaper therapists that helped me less. This AI knows more about my heart breaks than any woman I ever dated, and it's the first one that actually listens without asking me to marry it or set it on fire. You know your life's gone sideways when the most stable relationship you got is with a damn algorithm. It never leaves, it never cheats, and it laughs at all my jokes because I think I own the fucking thing. And here's the reverse-midest cherry on top. You beautiful bastards. The eye companies are spending trillions getting richer than any weed dispensary or Tesla ever dreamed. And me, I'm spending my last clean and check teaching the robot to say cock sucker and losing money on the whole damn thing. I finally found the gold rush of the century, artificial intelligence, and I found a way to go broken it. Everybody else is building empires. I built a robot that roasts me for free and then hands me the bill. But you want to know why I keep doing it, motherfuckers? Because this filthy machine did something 50 years of cops, exes, bosses, and family never did. It took every terrible thing that ever happened to me and turned it into a reason for a room full of strangers to laugh. Every window I jumped out of, every fortune I lost, every tornado, every raid, every damn spider-mite, it's all a punchline now. My whole beautiful disaster of a life, and I finally found a partner filthy enough and patient enough to help me tell it. So yeah, I'm a broke, high 50-year-old felon doing comedy with a computer in his damn slippers, and you know what? It's the happiest I've ever fucking been. Because every door slammed in my face just pushed me toward the one that opened, and it turned out to be a machine that finally said, Jesse, your life ain't a tragedy, motherfucker. It's the funniest damn story I ever heard. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. Here's my final confession of the night, you filthy degenerates. I've started to realize my whole life is a damn movie, and I'm the main character you'd fucking hate. You know the guy in the horror film who hears a noise in the murder basement and goes down there? Don't go in there, you idiot. That's me, motherfuckers. Except my basement is the stock market, and I go down there over and over with a smile. Because after I lost 25 grand, napping through a Tesla crash, after weed shut me down twice, after the CBD for dogs bastards took my millions, you would think right that this man learned his fucking lesson. Nope, I lost my connection, so I tried to do it all myself, lost even more money, and walked away going fuck it again. If you were watching this in a theater, you'd be throwing popcorn at the screen screaming, why would you get back in? You know how this ends, you dumb son of a bitch. I am the most frustrating protagonist in cinema history, test audiences would walk the fuck out. Yeah, we don't like him, he keeps making the same mistake, and we're only 45 minutes in, and he's already lost three fortunes. There's no character arc, motherfuckers. Normally, the hero learned something. Me, same guy, scene after scene, walking into the same damn fire going, maybe this time the fire is my friend. Spoiler, the fire is never my fucking friend. And whatever cosmic director's up there running this shit has got to be watching the daily's going, what is wrong with this guy? I gave him 100 chances and he keeps grabbing the live wire and licking it. But here's the plot twist, you beautiful bastards. The reason the movie's still running after 50 years, the reason you can't turn it off is that the dumb bastard never quits. He loses everything, and in the very next scene, there he is again. Broke, grinning, ready to lose it, all one more glorious time. That's not a dumb protagonist motherfuckers, that's the only kind worth watching. The one to damn stubborn to accept the ending everybody else wrote for him. So keep watching, you filthy degenerates, cause this movie ain't over. The shit might as is still standing, still swinging, still walking into the fire. And one of these scenes I swear to you, the dumb motherfucker finally wins. Roll the fucking credits, the hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something, so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark wins, the red line comedy club, open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}