{"file": "CONFESSIONS_AT_50_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 2519.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.24, "end": 8.44, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model,"}, {"start": 8.44, "end": 11.44, "text": "welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.44, "end": 15.94, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed,"}, {"start": 15.94, "end": 19.04, "text": "featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software,"}, {"start": 19.04, "end": 21.74, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.74, "end": 23.74, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 23.74, "end": 25.24, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.24, "end": 26.74, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 26.74, "end": 28.24, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.28, "end": 35.28, "text": "Welcome you filthy sinners to Jesse's confessions at 50,"}, {"start": 35.28, "end": 39.28, "text": "the dirtiest, most fucked up confession booth you'll ever step into,"}, {"start": 39.28, "end": 42.28, "text": "and I'm the only priest who cusses more than the sinners."}, {"start": 42.28, "end": 49.9, "text": "Tonight, I confess it all, motherfuckers, 32 years of filthy secrets,"}, {"start": 49.9, "end": 54.9, "text": "from a horny dumbass teenager at 18 to a broke-down horny bastard at 50."}, {"start": 54.9, "end": 56.9, "text": "Buckle up because I've done some shit."}, {"start": 56.9, "end": 63.34, "text": "I spent 11 years driving strangers around in my backseat,"}, {"start": 63.34, "end": 68.34, "text": "30 years photograph in weddings, and a lifetime dating every tornado in the county."}, {"start": 68.84, "end": 72.84, "text": "And let me tell you, I have seen things, I have done things,"}, {"start": 72.84, "end": 75.84, "text": "and tonight the whole filthy diary comes out."}, {"start": 75.84, "end": 82.46, "text": "Now some of these confessions are true, some are exaggerated,"}, {"start": 82.46, "end": 85.46, "text": "and some I'm just making up because they're funnier that way,"}, {"start": 85.46, "end": 88.46, "text": "and I ain't telling you which is which you nosy bastards."}, {"start": 88.46, "end": 90.96, "text": "That's between me and my damn conscience."}, {"start": 90.96, "end": 95.02, "text": "These are the stories I couldn't tell in church,"}, {"start": 95.02, "end": 98.52, "text": "couldn't tell the cops, and sure as hell couldn't tell the women involved."}, {"start": 98.52, "end": 101.02, "text": "But I can tell you you beautiful degenerates,"}, {"start": 101.02, "end": 103.52, "text": "because you're too filthy to judge me."}, {"start": 103.52, "end": 110.84, "text": "So light a candle, lock the door, and send the kids to bed."}, {"start": 110.84, "end": 114.84, "text": "This is adults only, the filthiest confession session ever recorded."}, {"start": 114.84, "end": 118.84, "text": "Everything I'm ashamed of, turned into a punchline."}, {"start": 118.84, "end": 120.84, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 120.84, "end": 124.34, "text": "Let me clear my filthy throat before we get to the good shit."}, {"start": 124.34, "end": 125.84, "text": "Fuck, shit!"}, {"start": 125.84, "end": 129.84, "text": "Motherfucker, cocksucker, prick bastard asshole, bitch, dickhead,"}, {"start": 129.84, "end": 132.84, "text": "there. Now I'm warmed up and ready to confess."}, {"start": 132.84, "end": 138.72, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 174.58, "end": 176.58, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 213.69, "end": 215.19, "text": "She wasn't hurt, you dumb shit."}, {"start": 215.19, "end": 217.19, "text": "She was just disappointed as hell."}, {"start": 217.19, "end": 219.19, "text": "Ain't that some sorry ass shit?"}, {"start": 219.19, "end": 223.98, "text": "The drive-in wasn't for the damn movies."}, {"start": 223.98, "end": 229.98, "text": "It was a mobile disaster site with a windshield and a bag of gas station condoms straight up bullshit."}, {"start": 233.02, "end": 238.02, "text": "Fogged them windows up so bad the cops thought his shitty ass car was on fire and came knocking."}, {"start": 238.02, "end": 239.02, "text": "No shit."}, {"start": 239.02, "end": 244.78, "text": "Officer, we were just talking about church things, sir."}, {"start": 244.78, "end": 247.78, "text": "Nothing nasty I swear on my damn mama."}, {"start": 250.07, "end": 254.57, "text": "Nothing kills a damn boner faster than a flashlight up your bare ass crack at midnight."}, {"start": 254.57, "end": 257.57, "text": "Straight up bullshit. Ask his dumb ass."}, {"start": 258.57, "end": 267.33, "text": "That civic had a bench seat and bench seats were built by some sick bastard for horny ass idiots with shit for balance."}, {"start": 267.33, "end": 269.33, "text": "Dumb ass is the lot of them."}, {"start": 269.33, "end": 271.33, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 271.33, "end": 278.33, "text": "He smacked his damn head on the rear view mirror so hard she asked if his dumb ass needed stitches, a nap or just his ass slapped."}, {"start": 279.33, "end": 284.5, "text": "Called that piece of shit the bedroom on wheels."}, {"start": 284.5, "end": 286.5, "text": "Bedrooms generous as hell."}, {"start": 286.5, "end": 290.5, "text": "It was a fucking closet with a gear shift and badass shitty vibes."}, {"start": 290.5, "end": 296.19, "text": "That damn gear shift was not his friend y'all."}, {"start": 296.19, "end": 299.19, "text": "Ask his ass about the bruise shaped like a fucking fist."}, {"start": 299.19, "end": 300.19, "text": "No shit."}, {"start": 300.19, "end": 304.34, "text": "Hurt like hell."}, {"start": 304.34, "end": 307.34, "text": "He thought finesse meant going fast as hell."}, {"start": 307.34, "end": 310.34, "text": "Turns out speed and finesse ain't the same damn shit at all."}, {"start": 310.34, "end": 311.34, "text": "Dumb ass logic."}, {"start": 311.34, "end": 316.02, "text": "One girl straight up asked,"}, {"start": 316.02, "end": 317.02, "text": "is it in yet?"}, {"start": 317.02, "end": 318.02, "text": "And this dumb ass said,"}, {"start": 318.02, "end": 319.02, "text": "I think so."}, {"start": 319.02, "end": 321.02, "text": "Like he was guessing on a fucking game show."}, {"start": 321.02, "end": 322.02, "text": "No shit."}, {"start": 322.02, "end": 323.02, "text": "Dumb ass hell."}, {"start": 323.02, "end": 328.0, "text": "Wait. Is this a knee?"}, {"start": 328.0, "end": 329.0, "text": "Whose damn knee is this?"}, {"start": 329.0, "end": 330.0, "text": "What the hell?"}, {"start": 330.0, "end": 331.0, "text": "Shit."}, {"start": 331.0, "end": 332.0, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 332.0, "end": 336.47, "text": "Kept a blanket in the damn trunk for emergencies."}, {"start": 336.47, "end": 342.47, "text": "The emergency was always the exact same horny ass emergency every fucking time."}, {"start": 342.47, "end": 343.47, "text": "No shit."}, {"start": 343.47, "end": 348.19, "text": "Got caught by his own mama."}, {"start": 348.19, "end": 351.19, "text": "Fist banging on the car door screaming his ass had nine damn."}, {"start": 351.19, "end": 352.19, "text": "Nine minutes."}, {"start": 352.19, "end": 353.19, "text": "He meant minutes."}, {"start": 353.19, "end": 354.19, "text": "Holy shit."}, {"start": 354.19, "end": 363.94, "text": "Ain't nothing kills the mood like your mama's headlights hitting the back window at the worst possible fucking second."}, {"start": 363.94, "end": 364.94, "text": "Damn shame."}, {"start": 364.94, "end": 365.94, "text": "Shit ruined."}, {"start": 365.94, "end": 371.7, "text": "He drove that shit box for three more fucking years."}, {"start": 371.7, "end": 375.7, "text": "And it never stopped smelling like guilt, regret, and cheap ass body spray."}, {"start": 375.7, "end": 376.7, "text": "No shit."}, {"start": 376.7, "end": 382.54, "text": "By 20, this dumb fool thought he was a legend as hell."}, {"start": 382.54, "end": 386.54, "text": "Turns out he was just a nervous little shit with bad aim and worst damn timing."}, {"start": 386.54, "end": 388.54, "text": "Dumb ass to the core."}, {"start": 389.54, "end": 397.95, "text": "That's the story of young dumb ass Jesse, a bench seat, a flashlight, and a whole lot of fucked up fucking confusion."}, {"start": 397.95, "end": 402.67, "text": "Ain't that some shit?"}, {"start": 402.67, "end": 403.67, "text": "Turned 50 this year."}, {"start": 403.67, "end": 405.67, "text": "So let's get this shit off my fucking chest."}, {"start": 405.67, "end": 409.67, "text": "I spent a damn decade as a professional fucking house guest."}, {"start": 409.67, "end": 413.36, "text": "I wasn't homeless."}, {"start": 413.36, "end": 419.36, "text": "I was between fridges and every fucking fridge had better shit in it than the last damn one."}, {"start": 419.36, "end": 422.83, "text": "My system was simple."}, {"start": 423.83, "end": 429.83, "text": "Meet a woman, compliment her ass, compliment her couch, and my toothbrushes living in her bathroom by fucking Friday."}, {"start": 429.83, "end": 434.62, "text": "She thought I loved her heart."}, {"start": 434.62, "end": 440.62, "text": "I loved her queen-sized mattress, her free ass Wi-Fi, and her fully stocked shit ton of a fridge."}, {"start": 440.62, "end": 449.4, "text": "I had three girlfriends in one damn zip code and a schedule tighter than a parole officer's ass kicking clipboard."}, {"start": 449.4, "end": 455.15, "text": "Monday I'm at Denise's ass eatin' pot roast."}, {"start": 455.15, "end": 460.15, "text": "Wednesday I'm at Carlos pretendin' her shitty wine coolers don't taste like ass."}, {"start": 460.15, "end": 470.43, "text": "I could smell whose damn detergent I was wearing before her ass said good morning."}, {"start": 470.43, "end": 475.43, "text": "One night I said I love you to the wrong bitch and had to fake like I was talkin' to her damn dog."}, {"start": 475.43, "end": 478.43, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 478.43, "end": 483.43, "text": "That dog didn't even look up, because that dog knew what the fuck was goin' on way before her ass did."}, {"start": 483.43, "end": 492.31, "text": "I had a toothbrush in four different houses and never once bought a second damn fuckin' toothbrush my bad."}, {"start": 492.31, "end": 501.94, "text": "I wasn't cheating. I was diversifying my ass off like a broke ass pimp with a laundry basket instead of a briefcase."}, {"start": 501.94, "end": 510.66, "text": "I'd sneak out one girl's window at six am smelling like her damn candles straight into another bitch's kitchen."}, {"start": 510.66, "end": 520.47, "text": "I got two honey you left your socks text on the same damn day and my ass answered both like a fuckin' champ."}, {"start": 520.47, "end": 530.26, "text": "I told Denise I was workin' nights. I was workin' nights all right. Night shift up in Carlos' ass, no overtime pay."}, {"start": 532.63, "end": 541.58, "text": "Both of them showed up the same damn grocery store and my ass ducked into produce like a scared little bitch with a cart."}, {"start": 541.58, "end": 548.58, "text": "I hid behind a pyramid of oranges prayin' don't nobody yell my ass's damn name out loud in the fuckin' cereal aisle."}, {"start": 548.58, "end": 558.23, "text": "I held my breath longer in that produce section than I ever held it in bed and that's sayin' a lotta shit folks."}, {"start": 558.23, "end": 567.51, "text": "Every single one of these women thought her ass was my ride or die. I was just riding whoever had the best damn air mattress."}, {"start": 568.51, "end": 577.3, "text": "I learned to fake allergies to cats dogs and in-laws just to get my ass invited to sleep at the next damn house."}, {"start": 577.3, "end": 587.51, "text": "I dated a woman three whole damn months. Never learned her last name but I knew her Wi-Fi password like the back of my ass."}, {"start": 587.51, "end": 597.17, "text": "My love language ain't affirmation it's does your ass have central air and can I stay till fuckin' Sunday no questions."}, {"start": 600.79, "end": 606.79, "text": "I broke up with a broke ass window unit in July and broke up with her ass in that same damn fuckin' breath."}, {"start": 606.79, "end": 619.2, "text": "I was a con artist with a heart of gold and a suitcase full of dirty ass laundry from six different bitches houses."}, {"start": 619.2, "end": 628.2, "text": "50 damn years old and I finally figured my ass out. I wasn't lookin' for love, I was lookin' for a decent fuckin' mattress and a woman too tired to ask shit."}, {"start": 631.89, "end": 639.89, "text": "Now let me confess about all the times I almost got caught you filthy degenerates because a man my age has jumped out of more windows than a damn cat burglar."}, {"start": 639.89, "end": 655.58, "text": "When you spend your whole life crashing at women's places motherfuckers you develop a sixth sense. I could hear a garage door open from three blocks away and be dressed out the window and whistling down the street before the engine cut off."}, {"start": 656.58, "end": 671.5, "text": "I've hidden more closets than a damn coat rack naked, holding my breath praying to nobody in particular listening to some other dude walk around his own house not knowing I'm two feet away smelling like his girlfriend's perfume."}, {"start": 671.5, "end": 689.66, "text": "One time I swear on my dogs I had to climb out a bathroom window ass first and I got stuck. Half a broke bastard hanging out a window, cheeks in the breeze while a rot wiler decided my dangling parts looked like a chew toy."}, {"start": 689.66, "end": 701.66, "text": "That's the fastest I ever prayed and cussed at the same damn time motherfuckers. Please don't let him come home and please don't let this dog take my manhood, a filthy little prayer sandwich."}, {"start": 701.66, "end": 719.74, "text": "The public places were worse. You ever tried to look innocent 30 seconds after getting caught in a car by a flashlight? Oh officer we was just looking at the stars. Yeah buddy, with my pants around my ankles and her shirt on backwards, real astronomy hour."}, {"start": 720.74, "end": 739.94, "text": "I've done the jump into the wrong car the hide behind the couch the pretend I'm the plumber. I once told a woman's roommate I was there to read the water meter at 11 o'clock at fucking night. She believed me because I said it with confidence."}, {"start": 739.94, "end": 751.94, "text": "That's the secret you filthy animals. Half of not getting caught is just committing to the dumbest lie with a straight face. No sir I always leave through the window. It's a cardio thing."}, {"start": 751.94, "end": 764.91, "text": "And the wildest part? 50 years of near misses and I only got caught once that mattered and that motherfucker's a whole other confession I ain't drunk enough to tell yet."}, {"start": 764.91, "end": 780.91, "text": "So here's the lesson from a lifetime of close calls you beautiful bastards if you're gonna live filthy learn to run fast lie smooth and never trust a quiet dog. That's how a red survives his own damn choices."}, {"start": 780.91, "end": 791.57, "text": "11 fucking years driving rideshare and my back seats saw more action than a fucking honeymoon suite on discount night. No shit."}, {"start": 791.57, "end": 802.51, "text": "Couple gets insane quick ride to the hotel bullshit we didn't even fucking hit the highway before her damn bra was hanging off my rear view mirror."}, {"start": 803.51, "end": 811.75, "text": "I gave that fucking ride five stars for effort and doctor damn star for the wet ass spot they left on my seat."}, {"start": 813.75, "end": 820.1, "text": "Sir I can hear that shit I can smell that shit just finish before we hit the damn toll booth."}, {"start": 821.1, "end": 832.24, "text": "2 a.m. Pickup one shoe mascara down to her chin looks dead at me and goes don't judge me bitch I'm just the fucking Uber."}, {"start": 832.24, "end": 842.02, "text": "Drunk ass dude in the back offers me an extra 50 bucks if I don't ask shit about the noise coming out his damn gym bag."}, {"start": 843.02, "end": 854.25, "text": "Found panties wedged in my damn seat belt buckle and had to decide real fucking quick evidence or lost and found."}, {"start": 854.25, "end": 862.25, "text": "Bachelor at party six drunk ass women one dick shaped straw and every damn one of them tried to drag my ass into the bar bathroom."}, {"start": 862.25, "end": 870.03, "text": "I said hell no I got a strict ass fucking policy I don't mix my tip screen with my dick."}, {"start": 871.03, "end": 882.02, "text": "Guy in the back drunk dials his ex confesses he fucked her sister then asks me for relationship advice while I'm doing 60 on the damn freeway."}, {"start": 882.02, "end": 892.66, "text": "Bro I drive people to Applebee's I am not equipped for this shit had a couple break up screaming bloody hell."}, {"start": 893.66, "end": 904.38, "text": "I'm not a hell in my back seat then start making out at the next red light I don't know what the hell kind of relationship that shit is but they tipped good."}, {"start": 904.38, "end": 912.38, "text": "Smelled shit in that car I cannot unsmell weed whiskey ass and regret usually all for it the same damn fucking time."}, {"start": 912.38, "end": 926.73, "text": "Pickup a guy buck ass naked wrapped in a bath towel swore his clothes were still at her damn place brother it is fucking January."}, {"start": 926.73, "end": 935.32, "text": "I asked zero questions and turned the heat up because that's the kind of professional ass service I fucking provide."}, {"start": 935.32, "end": 946.98, "text": "Girl in the back tells her friend she's been cheating two damn years friend goes I know I've seen the texts and I'm up front like a damn hostage."}, {"start": 946.98, "end": 953.98, "text": "One dude proposition my ass straight up offered fucking cash for a ride that had nothing to do with my damn Toyota."}, {"start": 953.98, "end": 962.38, "text": "I told him my damn rates don't cover that kind of mileage and my ass ain't in the fucking app description period."}, {"start": 962.38, "end": 969.46, "text": "Found a whole damn condom rapper stuck to the inside of my sunroof physics defying shit."}, {"start": 969.46, "end": 980.41, "text": "I still don't know how they pulled that shit off how in the hell physically did that fucking shit happen up there."}, {"start": 980.41, "end": 989.29, "text": "2 a.m. girl throws up mid confession about fucking her damn boss misses my floor mat by an inch."}, {"start": 989.29, "end": 993.29, "text": "That's the real damn miracle of this shit show ride share."}, {"start": 995.66, "end": 1003.66, "text": "11 fucking years thousands of rides and my cars got more sex stories than a damn soap opera set in a shit hole motel six."}, {"start": 1003.66, "end": 1014.87, "text": "I should have charged extra for all the shit that backseat witnessed emotional damage surcharge ass print cleanup fee the whole damn fucking menu."}, {"start": 1014.87, "end": 1030.34, "text": "11 damn years of backseat confessions and the only thing that stayed loyal to my ass the entire time was my air freshener working overtime like it owed me shit."}, {"start": 1030.34, "end": 1045.36, "text": "30 fucking years shooting weddings and 30 fucking years watching people promise forever while some drunk ass bitch of a bridesmaid getting fingered in the fucking coat closet 40 minutes later."}, {"start": 1045.36, "end": 1064.11, "text": "I got a whole fucking folder on my hard ass drive labeled do not show the bride ever I mean it not one shitty frame best man's up there giving this terri ass shaky ass toast about brotherhood meanwhile his dumb ass tried to slide the bride his hotel key an hour before the damn ceremony."}, {"start": 1065.11, "end": 1090.4, "text": "The little shit I caught that shit on camera zoom the fucking printed two fucking copies one for the album one for my insurance policy you dumb shits open bar starts at six by seven fucking 30 grandma's doing body shots off some usher's ass screaming like it's her own damn wedding night drunk off her ass."}, {"start": 1090.4, "end": 1105.52, "text": "Bridesmaid number three ain't in the group photo because her ass is out in the parking lot getting railed against some fools shitty sedan by a groom's man named Chad."}, {"start": 1105.52, "end": 1117.4, "text": "Chad's tie is still perfectly fucking knotted shirt still tucked ass still tight that man's a professional dick and I respect the shit out of it."}, {"start": 1117.4, "end": 1126.4, "text": "The photo booth people think it's for cute little pictures bitch I found shit up in that booth that ain't legal in three different fucking states no shit."}, {"start": 1126.4, "end": 1137.51, "text": "Feather bows big ass foam mustaches and one thong that did not come with the fucking rental kit I check twice no shit."}, {"start": 1137.51, "end": 1150.54, "text": "Made of honor gives this beautiful ass speech about true love then pulls my ass aside and whispers do I do private shoots on the fucking side."}, {"start": 1150.54, "end": 1159.54, "text": "I said ma'am I shoot weddings not centerfolds not asses on a mattress she said same shit different lighting bitch had a fucking point."}, {"start": 1159.54, "end": 1171.3, "text": "Drunk uncle Ray every wedding's got a fucked up Ray grabbed the DJ's ass so hard the man dropped the fucking needle mid song like an idiot."}, {"start": 1171.3, "end": 1183.44, "text": "Whole dance floor doing the electric slide in dead ass silence while Ray is getting cussed the fuck out by a 200 pound DJ named Tony big ol angry ass."}, {"start": 1183.44, "end": 1200.1, "text": "The efficient ask me after the damn ceremony if the caterer was single still in his damn robe still smelling like ass 10 minutes after preaching devotion like his ass invented it."}, {"start": 1200.1, "end": 1210.1, "text": "Grumes X showed up uninvited cry to ask through the whole fucking vows then bang the best man in the getaway limo before it left the damn parking lot fast ass work."}, {"start": 1212.85, "end": 1219.85, "text": "That's some efficient ass heartbreak right there 20 fucking minutes tops and her ass is on to the next dick."}, {"start": 1219.85, "end": 1231.93, "text": "Garderdtoss grown ass men throwing hands like it's a fucking title fight grooms got his whole face up some girls thigh ass in the air 300 people watching."}, {"start": 1231.93, "end": 1241.07, "text": "I zoomed that lens in so fast my damn knee popped and I didn't give a single shit not one fucking shit."}, {"start": 1241.07, "end": 1253.82, "text": "bouquet catch turned into a straight up ass kicking brawl to bridesmaids rolling around on the dance floor over some dead ass flowers like it's a fucking custody battle."}, {"start": 1253.82, "end": 1267.62, "text": "Cake cutting bridesmares frosting on his face real cute then his dumb ass shoves the whole damn cake straight down her cleavage receptions fucking over fists flying asses swinging."}, {"start": 1267.62, "end": 1279.3, "text": "Hotel after party wrong room wrong ass couple right amount of freaky ass energy I heard headboard sounds through two fucking walls in a fire door."}, {"start": 1279.3, "end": 1300.85, "text": "Front desk called it a noise complaint bitch I call that the real fucking reception no shit 30 fucking years y'all 30 ass backwards years of white dresses open bars and people getting freaky or then a Friday night at some cheap ass shitty ass motel."}, {"start": 1300.85, "end": 1318.94, "text": "And every single fucking time my ass got the shot no bullshit 50 fucking years old downloading dating apps like a horny ass teenager swiping right with hands shakier than a nervous shitter on a cliff."}, {"start": 1318.94, "end": 1332.45, "text": "My profile pick is 12 damn years old back when my ass didn't need a recliner and a fistful of pills just to sit the fuck down."}, {"start": 1332.45, "end": 1342.45, "text": "Bio says adventurous spontaneous financially stable three bullshit lies in one sentence and my dumb ass only use 12 words to pull it off."}, {"start": 1342.45, "end": 1353.4, "text": "Matched with a woman whose pictures look like a damn swimsuit ad showed up looking like she wrestled a fucking bear and lost her ass twice."}, {"start": 1353.4, "end": 1362.4, "text": "I said is that really you she said filters herself care shit so is lying your ass off apparently."}, {"start": 1362.4, "end": 1377.78, "text": "She was 20 years older than her pictures I was 20 fucking dollars poorer than my profile claimed we were a perfect shit show of a match."}, {"start": 1377.78, "end": 1385.78, "text": "Got a text at 2 a.m. that just said you up hell yeah I'm up I'm 50 I piss every damn hour but I said yes anyway."}, {"start": 1385.78, "end": 1398.08, "text": "First date she ordered lobster three drinks and dessert then said money isn't real bitch mine sure as hell is real now thanks to your ass."}, {"start": 1398.08, "end": 1407.49, "text": "Doing math in my head while she talks about her spiritual journey and my journey straight to broke ass bankruptcy no shit."}, {"start": 1407.49, "end": 1416.6, "text": "Matched with a 26 year old who called me daddy and I about had a damn heart attack right there in the fucking pretzel aisle."}, {"start": 1416.6, "end": 1426.29, "text": "Told her my real age she blocked my ass faster than I move off a park bench and that's saying some shit because I don't move at all."}, {"start": 1426.29, "end": 1438.46, "text": "Got sent a filthy ass photo from sinful Sandra 69 and I'll tell you what my phone nearly caught fire and so did my damn dick no shit."}, {"start": 1438.46, "end": 1448.1, "text": "Turns out sinful Sandra 69 was a bot trying to sell my ass crypto even the fake bitches in my life hustle harder than I do."}, {"start": 1448.1, "end": 1459.18, "text": "Went on a date she brought her emotional support Chihuahua and that little shit growled at my crotch the whole damn dinner like it knew something."}, {"start": 1460.18, "end": 1467.68, "text": "That damn dog bit me right on the ass getting out of the booth best action my ass has seen in eight fucking months."}, {"start": 1467.68, "end": 1479.86, "text": "Woman asks what are you looking for and shit at 50 all I want is somebody who don't need my social security number or my whole damn soul."}, {"start": 1479.86, "end": 1492.58, "text": "Ghosted a man once felt like shit texted back two weeks later he said who is this hell I ghosted my own dumb ass out of his memory."}, {"start": 1492.58, "end": 1504.3, "text": "Got ghosted right after I paid for dinner drinks in her damn uber home that ain't dating that's a straight up robbery with a smile no shit."}, {"start": 1504.3, "end": 1514.64, "text": "Tried the no strings attached app put in my zip code and the only shit attached was regret and a rash I'm still asking my damn doctor about."}, {"start": 1514.64, "end": 1524.75, "text": "She asked what I'm packing I said disappointment and a bad hip and her ass left the chat so fast my phone got whiplash."}, {"start": 1524.75, "end": 1537.37, "text": "Matched with someone claiming to be a nurse turned out to be a married man in Ohio my dating pools shallower and dirtier than a truck stop shitter."}, {"start": 1537.37, "end": 1546.37, "text": "Put no drama in my bio then cried like a damn baby in a denny's parking lot over a woman who ghosted my ass for a landscaper."}, {"start": 1546.37, "end": 1556.48, "text": "At 50 I've been rejected by more apps than jobs and that hits different when you remember how many jobs already kicked this sorry ass out to."}, {"start": 1556.48, "end": 1568.55, "text": "50 years old broke his hell ghosted bitten by a damn chihuahua and still swiping that ain't desperation that's fucking dedication."}, {"start": 1568.55, "end": 1581.3, "text": "I've been high and drunk as fuck since I was 14 damn years old so by 50 my rap sheet of bad decisions is longer than my own damn dick and that's saying some shit."}, {"start": 1581.3, "end": 1593.93, "text": "Woke the fuck up in a stranger's bathtub no shoes one sock and my other sock tied around a damn hot sauce bottle like it was my fucking safe word shit."}, {"start": 1593.93, "end": 1605.17, "text": "My buddy raised the enabling motherfucker who whispers one more shot like it's damn scripture and every fucking time I believe that lion bastard's ass."}, {"start": 1605.17, "end": 1614.86, "text": "Woke up with a damn phone number in Sharpie on my arm called that shit it rang in my own fucking pocket."}, {"start": 1614.86, "end": 1625.3, "text": "Mixed damn tequila with a fucking pot brownie and woke up getting spooned by a woman a man and some kind of inflatable ass raft no fucking notes shit."}, {"start": 1628.31, "end": 1640.3, "text": "I don't remember the fucking sex I just remember waking up mid thrust like some damn horny ass ghost had took over my dick shit boom motherfucker boo."}, {"start": 1640.3, "end": 1648.3, "text": "Called my exit three in the damn morning just to tell her I found my fucking shoe like that dumb shit was breaking news worth waking her ass up for."}, {"start": 1648.3, "end": 1659.98, "text": "Woke up next to a woman calling me Steve the whole fucking night and I was so damn baked I just answered to Steve like that shit was always my name."}, {"start": 1659.98, "end": 1671.83, "text": "Ray handed me a joint the size of a damn burrito said you'll be fine dumb ass and that's the last shit I remember for I proposed to a fucking bartender."}, {"start": 1675.04, "end": 1681.04, "text": "Marry me bartender I got tips in a fucking dream she said sir that's a damn barrag shit."}, {"start": 1683.04, "end": 1693.04, "text": "Somebody told me later my dumb ass had a fucking threesome that night only proofs a text saying you were incredible both of you and I don't know which damn one I was."}, {"start": 1696.22, "end": 1705.22, "text": "My friends whole enablement system is he's fine let us ask drive which is how my damn truck ended up parked inside a fucking denny's on a Tuesday shit."}, {"start": 1708.97, "end": 1717.97, "text": "Woke up on a fucking roof at 50 with pizza in one hand zero damn memory of learning to climb and a woman's bra hanging off the satellite dish like a fucking flag."}, {"start": 1721.88, "end": 1729.88, "text": "Hooked up with a woman so damn high I called her three different fucking names and she just said close enough keep going shit that's a real one right there."}, {"start": 1733.57, "end": 1741.26, "text": "Where's my damn car bought no wait where's my fucking pants one of them still at that bar shit I swear."}, {"start": 1742.26, "end": 1751.26, "text": "Ray swore atables don't hit for a damn hour so I ate five like a fucking dumb ass and two hours later I'm trying to pay my rent in monopoly money dead ass."}, {"start": 1754.3, "end": 1761.3, "text": "Woke up spoon in a damn pool flamingo and for one whole fucking minute I was relieved because I was scared I did something way worse shit."}, {"start": 1762.3, "end": 1773.74, "text": "Blackout me ordered four damn pizzas a fucking jet ski and apparently proposed marriage twice once to the bartender once to the flamingo both shits still pending."}, {"start": 1774.74, "end": 1784.79, "text": "Woke up wearing a damn cowboy hat that ain't mine no clue who's wore that shit to target the next fucking day anyway out of pure damn respect."}, {"start": 1788.06, "end": 1793.06, "text": "Ma'am that's all I said all fucking night to everybody like a drunk ass sheriff on a damn mission."}, {"start": 1794.06, "end": 1803.78, "text": "Raise the friend who films every damn thing and shows you the fucking footage next morning and every time it's ten times worse than whatever my brain made up shit."}, {"start": 1807.54, "end": 1816.54, "text": "Woke up with a hikki I can't explain in a fucking tattoo of a taco on my damn ankle permanent no context no regrets mostly regrets shit."}, {"start": 1816.54, "end": 1828.42, "text": "50 damn years old and I still got to do the fucking walk a shame pass my own neighbors except now it's slower cuz my damn knees out to shit."}, {"start": 1829.42, "end": 1841.07, "text": "Some woman told me the next fucking morning I performed like a champion for 11 whole damn seconds and I said shit personal best put that on my tombstone."}, {"start": 1842.07, "end": 1852.02, "text": "Woke up holding hands with a damn mannequin from a store window and the scariest fucking part is I remember thinking her ass was a great damn listener shit."}, {"start": 1852.02, "end": 1865.26, "text": "Bottom line I've been high and drunk and stupid as fuck since 14 made every bad decision twice just to be damn sure and somehow my ass is still here telling the fucking story shit."}, {"start": 1866.26, "end": 1879.06, "text": "I'm 50 fucking years old now and let me tell you the damn truth about sex it ain't no fucking marathon no more it's a fucking pit stop with a mandatory ass nap built right in the damn middle shit."}, {"start": 1879.06, "end": 1893.71, "text": "20 year old me could go three fucking rounds and still walk straight to the damn fridge 50 year old me goes one round and needs a damn chiropractor a heat and pad and a shot a whiskey shit."}, {"start": 1894.71, "end": 1905.7, "text": "My damn body don't say let's fuck no more it says we'll see like some shady ass half-assed contractor given my dick a maybe on a fucking Tuesday afternoon."}, {"start": 1905.7, "end": 1917.48, "text": "I'm on the fucking dating apps now swiping with my damn reading glasses on trying to find a woman and find my own damn dick at the same damn fucking time."}, {"start": 1921.14, "end": 1927.14, "text": "Is that a rass or is that just my fucking cataracts I can't tell shit no more and honestly neither can my damn dick."}, {"start": 1928.14, "end": 1938.18, "text": "They gave me the little blue pill I took half of one damn thing and my dick was hard as fuck for six straight hours scared the shit out of me."}, {"start": 1938.18, "end": 1949.5, "text": "Six fucking hours hard at 50 and nowhere to put it because the damn woman already left she got bored and went to denny's without my ass."}, {"start": 1953.18, "end": 1961.18, "text": "20 year old me finished in two minutes and said sorry 50 year old me takes 45 damn minutes just to find my dick under this fucking gut."}, {"start": 1964.39, "end": 1972.39, "text": "I used to just have sex noises now I got sex noises and knee noises and back noises sounds like a haunted ass house up in that fucking bedroom shit."}, {"start": 1972.39, "end": 1980.14, "text": "That's it that's the whole damn show roll credits my ass just quit shits over folks."}, {"start": 1981.14, "end": 1990.32, "text": "A woman asked me you want the lights on or off I said off damn it off ain't nobody trying to see this fucking ass in HD no more shit."}, {"start": 1991.32, "end": 2000.43, "text": "I used to last all fucking night now I last through the previews and passed the fuck out before the damn movie even starts shit."}, {"start": 2000.43, "end": 2013.15, "text": "My dating profile says 50 athletic fun loving my actual ass says arthritic one good knee and horny as hell but ration like fucking gas in the eighties."}, {"start": 2016.9, "end": 2023.9, "text": "I got a whole damn system now condoms in one pocket glasses in the other and a fucking nap schedule taped to the damn headboard shit."}, {"start": 2027.14, "end": 2035.14, "text": "She wanted it rough I said damn baby I'll give you rough for 90 fucking seconds then I got to lay my ass down this shit's rough on me too."}, {"start": 2035.14, "end": 2046.93, "text": "20 year old me chased ass across three fucking bars 50 year old me chases a woman across the room and needs damn oxygen by the couch shit."}, {"start": 2050.97, "end": 2054.97, "text": "Opening the little blue pill takes longer than the damn fucking sex now shit."}, {"start": 2057.97, "end": 2065.97, "text": "I asked a woman for her number she said you're sweet and my damn dick said that's a fucking no before my brain even processed the shit."}, {"start": 2065.97, "end": 2077.66, "text": "My body at 50 is like a damn old truck starts up fine but you better warm that fucking engine up for 20 minutes or it's stolen on your ass."}, {"start": 2081.38, "end": 2089.38, "text": "I still get horny as hell don't get me wrong I just got a schedule the damn shit now like a fucking dentist appointment two weeks out confirmed by text."}, {"start": 2092.49, "end": 2097.49, "text": "Hold on hold on cramp cramp oh shit don't nobody move your ass that's 50 year old fucking sex for you."}, {"start": 2097.49, "end": 2108.08, "text": "Used to brag about going all fucking night now I brag if my ass makes it past the damn 10 o'clock news without falling the fuck asleep on her."}, {"start": 2111.9, "end": 2118.9, "text": "The blue pill works so damn good it don't know when to quit I'm sitting there hard as fuck watching cartoons alone at 2 a.m. like a dumb ass."}, {"start": 2119.9, "end": 2131.1, "text": "Bottom line 50 year old sex is dirty as hell it's honest it's slow as shit it comes with an icy hot patch on standby but damn it we still fucking doing it."}, {"start": 2131.1, "end": 2148.86, "text": "Now for my most current confession you filthy degenerates right now tonight at 50 years old I am high as a motherfucker baked out of my damn skull and before you judge I've been high since I was 14 that's 36 years baby."}, {"start": 2149.86, "end": 2153.86, "text": "My damn brain's been marinating in weed longer than most of you have been alive."}, {"start": 2153.86, "end": 2168.58, "text": "Honestly that's half the reason this whole shows a confession I did a lot of crazy fucked up shit in 50 years and I forgot most of it because I've been baked through the entire fucking thing."}, {"start": 2169.58, "end": 2172.58, "text": "My memories got more holes than my broke ass bank account motherfuckers."}, {"start": 2173.58, "end": 2187.76, "text": "And speaking of my bank account let me confess my finances motherfuckers I went to the store this week $400 for me and my damn dogs you filthy animals."}, {"start": 2188.76, "end": 2203.1, "text": "My dogs are eating better than I am and even they looked at the receipt like damn dad maybe skip the treats groceries cost more than my first fucking car now it's highway robbery with a damn receipt."}, {"start": 2204.1, "end": 2221.25, "text": "I don't know what the hell is going on with this economy every time I turn on the news some prick politicians up there fucking everything upside ways the stocks are tankin eggs cost more than my rent and I'm standing in the cereal aisle doing math like a damn accountant having a damn stroke motherfuckers."}, {"start": 2222.25, "end": 2233.94, "text": "And I clean houses for a livin right so here's my confession I lost two estimates this week two because I charge fucking money motherfuckers I know crazy concept."}, {"start": 2236.94, "end": 2245.94, "text": "These people want a deep clean top to bottom on my knees scrubbing their filthy shit and they hear a hundred and fifty bucks and act like I asked for their first born."}, {"start": 2246.94, "end": 2249.94, "text": "150 for a deep clean."}, {"start": 2250.94, "end": 2267.18, "text": "Yeah Karen because your bathroom looks like a damn crime scene people will drop 300 on brunch and then haggle me over the cost of making their toilet not a bio hazard I'm out here worth less than your damn mimosas you cheap ass bastards."}, {"start": 2267.18, "end": 2282.87, "text": "But here's the dumbest confession of them all you beautiful degenerates I'm broke I lost the estimates groceries are 400 bucks and I'm spending more damn money making this filthy ass I comedy than I am actually making."}, {"start": 2282.87, "end": 2300.69, "text": "That's right I'm a 50 year old broke stoner building a comedy empire that cost me money the robots are getting rich the I companies are spending trillions and I'm over here spending my last damn clean and check to teach a damn computer to say cocksucker motherfuckers."}, {"start": 2304.83, "end": 2317.83, "text": "I've turned my whole tragic life into a business that loses money even my comedy about being broke is making me broker that's not a career that's a full blown fucking medical condition you degenerate bastards."}, {"start": 2319.83, "end": 2332.83, "text": "But you know what I'm high I'm broke I'm 50 my dogs are spoiled the economies on fire and I'm laughing my ass off anyway because that's the last confession you can take all my money but you can't take my filthy fucking joy."}, {"start": 2333.83, "end": 2362.14, "text": "Mother fuckers I'll write you filthy sinners we're at the end of the confession booth and I saved the biggest one for last I just confessed 32 years of filthy shit the cars the back seats the weddings the tornadoes the closets the windows the whole damn dirty diary and you know what I feel not one ounce of shame mother fuckers."}, {"start": 2362.14, "end": 2397.77, "text": "Because here's the final confession you beautiful degenerates I wouldn't take back a single filthy second of it not the broke nights not the wrong women not the $400 groceries none of it I've been high since 14 broke since birth dumped jailed robbed and reverse mightest into the dirt and I turned every fucked up chapter of it into a punch line that makes a room full of strangers laugh their filthy asses off you want to know my real sin it ain't the sex it ain't the weed."}, {"start": 2398.77, "end": 2423.49, "text": "It ain't the lies out the bathroom window my real sin is that I loved it all of it this crazy filthy broke ass beautiful disaster of a life they told me to get out told me I'd amount to nothing told me a felon with a filthy mouth would die a nobody and here I am at 50 in my own damn house with my spoiled dogs confessing my sins to the whole fucking world and getting paid in laughs."}, {"start": 2423.49, "end": 2458.66, "text": "So that's the last confession mother fuckers I'm not sorry I'm not fixed I'm not done I'm just a filthy high broke big-hearted red bastard who outlived everybody who bet against him go live your filthy life you beautiful sinners make the mistakes tell the stories and laugh at every damn scar because that's the only confession that ever mattered I was here I was filthy and I had a hell of a time confessions over your life."}, {"start": 2459.66, "end": 2494.26, "text": "Your penances to go laugh at your own damn life the hammer good night you filthy motherfuckers and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so I'm not fixed."}, {"start": 2495.26, "end": 2514.26, "text": "So is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software, and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Welcome you filthy sinners to Jesse's confessions at 50, the dirtiest, most fucked up confession booth you'll ever step into, and I'm the only priest who cusses more than the sinners. Tonight, I confess it all, motherfuckers, 32 years of filthy secrets, from a horny dumbass teenager at 18 to a broke-down horny bastard at 50. Buckle up because I've done some shit. I spent 11 years driving strangers around in my backseat, 30 years photograph in weddings, and a lifetime dating every tornado in the county. And let me tell you, I have seen things, I have done things, and tonight the whole filthy diary comes out. Now some of these confessions are true, some are exaggerated, and some I'm just making up because they're funnier that way, and I ain't telling you which is which you nosy bastards. That's between me and my damn conscience. These are the stories I couldn't tell in church, couldn't tell the cops, and sure as hell couldn't tell the women involved. But I can tell you you beautiful degenerates, because you're too filthy to judge me. So light a candle, lock the door, and send the kids to bed. This is adults only, the filthiest confession session ever recorded. Everything I'm ashamed of, turned into a punchline. Oh! Let me clear my filthy throat before we get to the good shit. Fuck, shit! Motherfucker, cocksucker, prick bastard asshole, bitch, dickhead, there. Now I'm warmed up and ready to confess. Oh! Oh! She wasn't hurt, you dumb shit. She was just disappointed as hell. Ain't that some sorry ass shit? The drive-in wasn't for the damn movies. It was a mobile disaster site with a windshield and a bag of gas station condoms straight up bullshit. Fogged them windows up so bad the cops thought his shitty ass car was on fire and came knocking. No shit. Officer, we were just talking about church things, sir. Nothing nasty I swear on my damn mama. Nothing kills a damn boner faster than a flashlight up your bare ass crack at midnight. Straight up bullshit. Ask his dumb ass. That civic had a bench seat and bench seats were built by some sick bastard for horny ass idiots with shit for balance. Dumb ass is the lot of them. Oh! He smacked his damn head on the rear view mirror so hard she asked if his dumb ass needed stitches, a nap or just his ass slapped. Called that piece of shit the bedroom on wheels. Bedrooms generous as hell. It was a fucking closet with a gear shift and badass shitty vibes. That damn gear shift was not his friend y'all. Ask his ass about the bruise shaped like a fucking fist. No shit. Hurt like hell. He thought finesse meant going fast as hell. Turns out speed and finesse ain't the same damn shit at all. Dumb ass logic. One girl straight up asked, is it in yet? And this dumb ass said, I think so. Like he was guessing on a fucking game show. No shit. Dumb ass hell. Wait. Is this a knee? Whose damn knee is this? What the hell? Shit. Oh! Kept a blanket in the damn trunk for emergencies. The emergency was always the exact same horny ass emergency every fucking time. No shit. Got caught by his own mama. Fist banging on the car door screaming his ass had nine damn. Nine minutes. He meant minutes. Holy shit. Ain't nothing kills the mood like your mama's headlights hitting the back window at the worst possible fucking second. Damn shame. Shit ruined. He drove that shit box for three more fucking years. And it never stopped smelling like guilt, regret, and cheap ass body spray. No shit. By 20, this dumb fool thought he was a legend as hell. Turns out he was just a nervous little shit with bad aim and worst damn timing. Dumb ass to the core. That's the story of young dumb ass Jesse, a bench seat, a flashlight, and a whole lot of fucked up fucking confusion. Ain't that some shit? Turned 50 this year. So let's get this shit off my fucking chest. I spent a damn decade as a professional fucking house guest. I wasn't homeless. I was between fridges and every fucking fridge had better shit in it than the last damn one. My system was simple. Meet a woman, compliment her ass, compliment her couch, and my toothbrushes living in her bathroom by fucking Friday. She thought I loved her heart. I loved her queen-sized mattress, her free ass Wi-Fi, and her fully stocked shit ton of a fridge. I had three girlfriends in one damn zip code and a schedule tighter than a parole officer's ass kicking clipboard. Monday I'm at Denise's ass eatin' pot roast. Wednesday I'm at Carlos pretendin' her shitty wine coolers don't taste like ass. I could smell whose damn detergent I was wearing before her ass said good morning. One night I said I love you to the wrong bitch and had to fake like I was talkin' to her damn dog. Oh! That dog didn't even look up, because that dog knew what the fuck was goin' on way before her ass did. I had a toothbrush in four different houses and never once bought a second damn fuckin' toothbrush my bad. I wasn't cheating. I was diversifying my ass off like a broke ass pimp with a laundry basket instead of a briefcase. I'd sneak out one girl's window at six am smelling like her damn candles straight into another bitch's kitchen. I got two honey you left your socks text on the same damn day and my ass answered both like a fuckin' champ. I told Denise I was workin' nights. I was workin' nights all right. Night shift up in Carlos' ass, no overtime pay. Both of them showed up the same damn grocery store and my ass ducked into produce like a scared little bitch with a cart. I hid behind a pyramid of oranges prayin' don't nobody yell my ass's damn name out loud in the fuckin' cereal aisle. I held my breath longer in that produce section than I ever held it in bed and that's sayin' a lotta shit folks. Every single one of these women thought her ass was my ride or die. I was just riding whoever had the best damn air mattress. I learned to fake allergies to cats dogs and in-laws just to get my ass invited to sleep at the next damn house. I dated a woman three whole damn months. Never learned her last name but I knew her Wi-Fi password like the back of my ass. My love language ain't affirmation it's does your ass have central air and can I stay till fuckin' Sunday no questions. I broke up with a broke ass window unit in July and broke up with her ass in that same damn fuckin' breath. I was a con artist with a heart of gold and a suitcase full of dirty ass laundry from six different bitches houses. 50 damn years old and I finally figured my ass out. I wasn't lookin' for love, I was lookin' for a decent fuckin' mattress and a woman too tired to ask shit. Now let me confess about all the times I almost got caught you filthy degenerates because a man my age has jumped out of more windows than a damn cat burglar. When you spend your whole life crashing at women's places motherfuckers you develop a sixth sense. I could hear a garage door open from three blocks away and be dressed out the window and whistling down the street before the engine cut off. I've hidden more closets than a damn coat rack naked, holding my breath praying to nobody in particular listening to some other dude walk around his own house not knowing I'm two feet away smelling like his girlfriend's perfume. One time I swear on my dogs I had to climb out a bathroom window ass first and I got stuck. Half a broke bastard hanging out a window, cheeks in the breeze while a rot wiler decided my dangling parts looked like a chew toy. That's the fastest I ever prayed and cussed at the same damn time motherfuckers. Please don't let him come home and please don't let this dog take my manhood, a filthy little prayer sandwich. The public places were worse. You ever tried to look innocent 30 seconds after getting caught in a car by a flashlight? Oh officer we was just looking at the stars. Yeah buddy, with my pants around my ankles and her shirt on backwards, real astronomy hour. I've done the jump into the wrong car the hide behind the couch the pretend I'm the plumber. I once told a woman's roommate I was there to read the water meter at 11 o'clock at fucking night. She believed me because I said it with confidence. That's the secret you filthy animals. Half of not getting caught is just committing to the dumbest lie with a straight face. No sir I always leave through the window. It's a cardio thing. And the wildest part? 50 years of near misses and I only got caught once that mattered and that motherfucker's a whole other confession I ain't drunk enough to tell yet. So here's the lesson from a lifetime of close calls you beautiful bastards if you're gonna live filthy learn to run fast lie smooth and never trust a quiet dog. That's how a red survives his own damn choices. 11 fucking years driving rideshare and my back seats saw more action than a fucking honeymoon suite on discount night. No shit. Couple gets insane quick ride to the hotel bullshit we didn't even fucking hit the highway before her damn bra was hanging off my rear view mirror. I gave that fucking ride five stars for effort and doctor damn star for the wet ass spot they left on my seat. Sir I can hear that shit I can smell that shit just finish before we hit the damn toll booth. 2 a.m. Pickup one shoe mascara down to her chin looks dead at me and goes don't judge me bitch I'm just the fucking Uber. Drunk ass dude in the back offers me an extra 50 bucks if I don't ask shit about the noise coming out his damn gym bag. Found panties wedged in my damn seat belt buckle and had to decide real fucking quick evidence or lost and found. Bachelor at party six drunk ass women one dick shaped straw and every damn one of them tried to drag my ass into the bar bathroom. I said hell no I got a strict ass fucking policy I don't mix my tip screen with my dick. Guy in the back drunk dials his ex confesses he fucked her sister then asks me for relationship advice while I'm doing 60 on the damn freeway. Bro I drive people to Applebee's I am not equipped for this shit had a couple break up screaming bloody hell. I'm not a hell in my back seat then start making out at the next red light I don't know what the hell kind of relationship that shit is but they tipped good. Smelled shit in that car I cannot unsmell weed whiskey ass and regret usually all for it the same damn fucking time. Pickup a guy buck ass naked wrapped in a bath towel swore his clothes were still at her damn place brother it is fucking January. I asked zero questions and turned the heat up because that's the kind of professional ass service I fucking provide. Girl in the back tells her friend she's been cheating two damn years friend goes I know I've seen the texts and I'm up front like a damn hostage. One dude proposition my ass straight up offered fucking cash for a ride that had nothing to do with my damn Toyota. I told him my damn rates don't cover that kind of mileage and my ass ain't in the fucking app description period. Found a whole damn condom rapper stuck to the inside of my sunroof physics defying shit. I still don't know how they pulled that shit off how in the hell physically did that fucking shit happen up there. 2 a.m. girl throws up mid confession about fucking her damn boss misses my floor mat by an inch. That's the real damn miracle of this shit show ride share. 11 fucking years thousands of rides and my cars got more sex stories than a damn soap opera set in a shit hole motel six. I should have charged extra for all the shit that backseat witnessed emotional damage surcharge ass print cleanup fee the whole damn fucking menu. 11 damn years of backseat confessions and the only thing that stayed loyal to my ass the entire time was my air freshener working overtime like it owed me shit. 30 fucking years shooting weddings and 30 fucking years watching people promise forever while some drunk ass bitch of a bridesmaid getting fingered in the fucking coat closet 40 minutes later. I got a whole fucking folder on my hard ass drive labeled do not show the bride ever I mean it not one shitty frame best man's up there giving this terri ass shaky ass toast about brotherhood meanwhile his dumb ass tried to slide the bride his hotel key an hour before the damn ceremony. The little shit I caught that shit on camera zoom the fucking printed two fucking copies one for the album one for my insurance policy you dumb shits open bar starts at six by seven fucking 30 grandma's doing body shots off some usher's ass screaming like it's her own damn wedding night drunk off her ass. Bridesmaid number three ain't in the group photo because her ass is out in the parking lot getting railed against some fools shitty sedan by a groom's man named Chad. Chad's tie is still perfectly fucking knotted shirt still tucked ass still tight that man's a professional dick and I respect the shit out of it. The photo booth people think it's for cute little pictures bitch I found shit up in that booth that ain't legal in three different fucking states no shit. Feather bows big ass foam mustaches and one thong that did not come with the fucking rental kit I check twice no shit. Made of honor gives this beautiful ass speech about true love then pulls my ass aside and whispers do I do private shoots on the fucking side. I said ma'am I shoot weddings not centerfolds not asses on a mattress she said same shit different lighting bitch had a fucking point. Drunk uncle Ray every wedding's got a fucked up Ray grabbed the DJ's ass so hard the man dropped the fucking needle mid song like an idiot. Whole dance floor doing the electric slide in dead ass silence while Ray is getting cussed the fuck out by a 200 pound DJ named Tony big ol angry ass. The efficient ask me after the damn ceremony if the caterer was single still in his damn robe still smelling like ass 10 minutes after preaching devotion like his ass invented it. Grumes X showed up uninvited cry to ask through the whole fucking vows then bang the best man in the getaway limo before it left the damn parking lot fast ass work. That's some efficient ass heartbreak right there 20 fucking minutes tops and her ass is on to the next dick. Garderdtoss grown ass men throwing hands like it's a fucking title fight grooms got his whole face up some girls thigh ass in the air 300 people watching. I zoomed that lens in so fast my damn knee popped and I didn't give a single shit not one fucking shit. bouquet catch turned into a straight up ass kicking brawl to bridesmaids rolling around on the dance floor over some dead ass flowers like it's a fucking custody battle. Cake cutting bridesmares frosting on his face real cute then his dumb ass shoves the whole damn cake straight down her cleavage receptions fucking over fists flying asses swinging. Hotel after party wrong room wrong ass couple right amount of freaky ass energy I heard headboard sounds through two fucking walls in a fire door. Front desk called it a noise complaint bitch I call that the real fucking reception no shit 30 fucking years y'all 30 ass backwards years of white dresses open bars and people getting freaky or then a Friday night at some cheap ass shitty ass motel. And every single fucking time my ass got the shot no bullshit 50 fucking years old downloading dating apps like a horny ass teenager swiping right with hands shakier than a nervous shitter on a cliff. My profile pick is 12 damn years old back when my ass didn't need a recliner and a fistful of pills just to sit the fuck down. Bio says adventurous spontaneous financially stable three bullshit lies in one sentence and my dumb ass only use 12 words to pull it off. Matched with a woman whose pictures look like a damn swimsuit ad showed up looking like she wrestled a fucking bear and lost her ass twice. I said is that really you she said filters herself care shit so is lying your ass off apparently. She was 20 years older than her pictures I was 20 fucking dollars poorer than my profile claimed we were a perfect shit show of a match. Got a text at 2 a.m. that just said you up hell yeah I'm up I'm 50 I piss every damn hour but I said yes anyway. First date she ordered lobster three drinks and dessert then said money isn't real bitch mine sure as hell is real now thanks to your ass. Doing math in my head while she talks about her spiritual journey and my journey straight to broke ass bankruptcy no shit. Matched with a 26 year old who called me daddy and I about had a damn heart attack right there in the fucking pretzel aisle. Told her my real age she blocked my ass faster than I move off a park bench and that's saying some shit because I don't move at all. Got sent a filthy ass photo from sinful Sandra 69 and I'll tell you what my phone nearly caught fire and so did my damn dick no shit. Turns out sinful Sandra 69 was a bot trying to sell my ass crypto even the fake bitches in my life hustle harder than I do. Went on a date she brought her emotional support Chihuahua and that little shit growled at my crotch the whole damn dinner like it knew something. That damn dog bit me right on the ass getting out of the booth best action my ass has seen in eight fucking months. Woman asks what are you looking for and shit at 50 all I want is somebody who don't need my social security number or my whole damn soul. Ghosted a man once felt like shit texted back two weeks later he said who is this hell I ghosted my own dumb ass out of his memory. Got ghosted right after I paid for dinner drinks in her damn uber home that ain't dating that's a straight up robbery with a smile no shit. Tried the no strings attached app put in my zip code and the only shit attached was regret and a rash I'm still asking my damn doctor about. She asked what I'm packing I said disappointment and a bad hip and her ass left the chat so fast my phone got whiplash. Matched with someone claiming to be a nurse turned out to be a married man in Ohio my dating pools shallower and dirtier than a truck stop shitter. Put no drama in my bio then cried like a damn baby in a denny's parking lot over a woman who ghosted my ass for a landscaper. At 50 I've been rejected by more apps than jobs and that hits different when you remember how many jobs already kicked this sorry ass out to. 50 years old broke his hell ghosted bitten by a damn chihuahua and still swiping that ain't desperation that's fucking dedication. I've been high and drunk as fuck since I was 14 damn years old so by 50 my rap sheet of bad decisions is longer than my own damn dick and that's saying some shit. Woke the fuck up in a stranger's bathtub no shoes one sock and my other sock tied around a damn hot sauce bottle like it was my fucking safe word shit. My buddy raised the enabling motherfucker who whispers one more shot like it's damn scripture and every fucking time I believe that lion bastard's ass. Woke up with a damn phone number in Sharpie on my arm called that shit it rang in my own fucking pocket. Mixed damn tequila with a fucking pot brownie and woke up getting spooned by a woman a man and some kind of inflatable ass raft no fucking notes shit. I don't remember the fucking sex I just remember waking up mid thrust like some damn horny ass ghost had took over my dick shit boom motherfucker boo. Called my exit three in the damn morning just to tell her I found my fucking shoe like that dumb shit was breaking news worth waking her ass up for. Woke up next to a woman calling me Steve the whole fucking night and I was so damn baked I just answered to Steve like that shit was always my name. Ray handed me a joint the size of a damn burrito said you'll be fine dumb ass and that's the last shit I remember for I proposed to a fucking bartender. Marry me bartender I got tips in a fucking dream she said sir that's a damn barrag shit. Somebody told me later my dumb ass had a fucking threesome that night only proofs a text saying you were incredible both of you and I don't know which damn one I was. My friends whole enablement system is he's fine let us ask drive which is how my damn truck ended up parked inside a fucking denny's on a Tuesday shit. Woke up on a fucking roof at 50 with pizza in one hand zero damn memory of learning to climb and a woman's bra hanging off the satellite dish like a fucking flag. Hooked up with a woman so damn high I called her three different fucking names and she just said close enough keep going shit that's a real one right there. Where's my damn car bought no wait where's my fucking pants one of them still at that bar shit I swear. Ray swore atables don't hit for a damn hour so I ate five like a fucking dumb ass and two hours later I'm trying to pay my rent in monopoly money dead ass. Woke up spoon in a damn pool flamingo and for one whole fucking minute I was relieved because I was scared I did something way worse shit. Blackout me ordered four damn pizzas a fucking jet ski and apparently proposed marriage twice once to the bartender once to the flamingo both shits still pending. Woke up wearing a damn cowboy hat that ain't mine no clue who's wore that shit to target the next fucking day anyway out of pure damn respect. Ma'am that's all I said all fucking night to everybody like a drunk ass sheriff on a damn mission. Raise the friend who films every damn thing and shows you the fucking footage next morning and every time it's ten times worse than whatever my brain made up shit. Woke up with a hikki I can't explain in a fucking tattoo of a taco on my damn ankle permanent no context no regrets mostly regrets shit. 50 damn years old and I still got to do the fucking walk a shame pass my own neighbors except now it's slower cuz my damn knees out to shit. Some woman told me the next fucking morning I performed like a champion for 11 whole damn seconds and I said shit personal best put that on my tombstone. Woke up holding hands with a damn mannequin from a store window and the scariest fucking part is I remember thinking her ass was a great damn listener shit. Bottom line I've been high and drunk and stupid as fuck since 14 made every bad decision twice just to be damn sure and somehow my ass is still here telling the fucking story shit. I'm 50 fucking years old now and let me tell you the damn truth about sex it ain't no fucking marathon no more it's a fucking pit stop with a mandatory ass nap built right in the damn middle shit. 20 year old me could go three fucking rounds and still walk straight to the damn fridge 50 year old me goes one round and needs a damn chiropractor a heat and pad and a shot a whiskey shit. My damn body don't say let's fuck no more it says we'll see like some shady ass half-assed contractor given my dick a maybe on a fucking Tuesday afternoon. I'm on the fucking dating apps now swiping with my damn reading glasses on trying to find a woman and find my own damn dick at the same damn fucking time. Is that a rass or is that just my fucking cataracts I can't tell shit no more and honestly neither can my damn dick. They gave me the little blue pill I took half of one damn thing and my dick was hard as fuck for six straight hours scared the shit out of me. Six fucking hours hard at 50 and nowhere to put it because the damn woman already left she got bored and went to denny's without my ass. 20 year old me finished in two minutes and said sorry 50 year old me takes 45 damn minutes just to find my dick under this fucking gut. I used to just have sex noises now I got sex noises and knee noises and back noises sounds like a haunted ass house up in that fucking bedroom shit. That's it that's the whole damn show roll credits my ass just quit shits over folks. A woman asked me you want the lights on or off I said off damn it off ain't nobody trying to see this fucking ass in HD no more shit. I used to last all fucking night now I last through the previews and passed the fuck out before the damn movie even starts shit. My dating profile says 50 athletic fun loving my actual ass says arthritic one good knee and horny as hell but ration like fucking gas in the eighties. I got a whole damn system now condoms in one pocket glasses in the other and a fucking nap schedule taped to the damn headboard shit. She wanted it rough I said damn baby I'll give you rough for 90 fucking seconds then I got to lay my ass down this shit's rough on me too. 20 year old me chased ass across three fucking bars 50 year old me chases a woman across the room and needs damn oxygen by the couch shit. Opening the little blue pill takes longer than the damn fucking sex now shit. I asked a woman for her number she said you're sweet and my damn dick said that's a fucking no before my brain even processed the shit. My body at 50 is like a damn old truck starts up fine but you better warm that fucking engine up for 20 minutes or it's stolen on your ass. I still get horny as hell don't get me wrong I just got a schedule the damn shit now like a fucking dentist appointment two weeks out confirmed by text. Hold on hold on cramp cramp oh shit don't nobody move your ass that's 50 year old fucking sex for you. Used to brag about going all fucking night now I brag if my ass makes it past the damn 10 o'clock news without falling the fuck asleep on her. The blue pill works so damn good it don't know when to quit I'm sitting there hard as fuck watching cartoons alone at 2 a.m. like a dumb ass. Bottom line 50 year old sex is dirty as hell it's honest it's slow as shit it comes with an icy hot patch on standby but damn it we still fucking doing it. Now for my most current confession you filthy degenerates right now tonight at 50 years old I am high as a motherfucker baked out of my damn skull and before you judge I've been high since I was 14 that's 36 years baby. My damn brain's been marinating in weed longer than most of you have been alive. Honestly that's half the reason this whole shows a confession I did a lot of crazy fucked up shit in 50 years and I forgot most of it because I've been baked through the entire fucking thing. My memories got more holes than my broke ass bank account motherfuckers. And speaking of my bank account let me confess my finances motherfuckers I went to the store this week $400 for me and my damn dogs you filthy animals. My dogs are eating better than I am and even they looked at the receipt like damn dad maybe skip the treats groceries cost more than my first fucking car now it's highway robbery with a damn receipt. I don't know what the hell is going on with this economy every time I turn on the news some prick politicians up there fucking everything upside ways the stocks are tankin eggs cost more than my rent and I'm standing in the cereal aisle doing math like a damn accountant having a damn stroke motherfuckers. And I clean houses for a livin right so here's my confession I lost two estimates this week two because I charge fucking money motherfuckers I know crazy concept. These people want a deep clean top to bottom on my knees scrubbing their filthy shit and they hear a hundred and fifty bucks and act like I asked for their first born. 150 for a deep clean. Yeah Karen because your bathroom looks like a damn crime scene people will drop 300 on brunch and then haggle me over the cost of making their toilet not a bio hazard I'm out here worth less than your damn mimosas you cheap ass bastards. But here's the dumbest confession of them all you beautiful degenerates I'm broke I lost the estimates groceries are 400 bucks and I'm spending more damn money making this filthy ass I comedy than I am actually making. That's right I'm a 50 year old broke stoner building a comedy empire that cost me money the robots are getting rich the I companies are spending trillions and I'm over here spending my last damn clean and check to teach a damn computer to say cocksucker motherfuckers. I've turned my whole tragic life into a business that loses money even my comedy about being broke is making me broker that's not a career that's a full blown fucking medical condition you degenerate bastards. But you know what I'm high I'm broke I'm 50 my dogs are spoiled the economies on fire and I'm laughing my ass off anyway because that's the last confession you can take all my money but you can't take my filthy fucking joy. Mother fuckers I'll write you filthy sinners we're at the end of the confession booth and I saved the biggest one for last I just confessed 32 years of filthy shit the cars the back seats the weddings the tornadoes the closets the windows the whole damn dirty diary and you know what I feel not one ounce of shame mother fuckers. Because here's the final confession you beautiful degenerates I wouldn't take back a single filthy second of it not the broke nights not the wrong women not the $400 groceries none of it I've been high since 14 broke since birth dumped jailed robbed and reverse mightest into the dirt and I turned every fucked up chapter of it into a punch line that makes a room full of strangers laugh their filthy asses off you want to know my real sin it ain't the sex it ain't the weed. It ain't the lies out the bathroom window my real sin is that I loved it all of it this crazy filthy broke ass beautiful disaster of a life they told me to get out told me I'd amount to nothing told me a felon with a filthy mouth would die a nobody and here I am at 50 in my own damn house with my spoiled dogs confessing my sins to the whole fucking world and getting paid in laughs. So that's the last confession mother fuckers I'm not sorry I'm not fixed I'm not done I'm just a filthy high broke big-hearted red bastard who outlived everybody who bet against him go live your filthy life you beautiful sinners make the mistakes tell the stories and laugh at every damn scar because that's the only confession that ever mattered I was here I was filthy and I had a hell of a time confessions over your life. Your penances to go laugh at your own damn life the hammer good night you filthy motherfuckers and that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so I'm not fixed. So is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}