{"file": "CLEANING_JOBS_FROM_HELL_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 656.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 9.7, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.7, "end": 11.7, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.7, "end": 16.94, "text": "Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.94, "end": 21.18, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 22.18, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.18, "end": 25.58, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 31.94, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.94, "end": 36.78, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's cleaning jobs from hell, five that survived the war room."}, {"start": 36.78, "end": 39.62, "text": "If you clean for a living, this one's your therapy."}, {"start": 39.62, "end": 40.62, "text": "Turn it up."}, {"start": 40.62, "end": 46.02, "text": "So this lady calls me up 4,000 square foot house up on the hill and she goes $200 to clean"}, {"start": 46.02, "end": 47.02, "text": "my home."}, {"start": 47.02, "end": 49.02, "text": "That's a little steep, don't you think?"}, {"start": 49.02, "end": 50.02, "text": "Steep."}, {"start": 50.02, "end": 54.38, "text": "Lady, I just walked into your kitchen and there's a lasagna in the sink that has a heartbeat."}, {"start": 54.38, "end": 58.54, "text": "There's mold on your countertop wearing a little tiny fucking hat, waving at me, going"}, {"start": 58.54, "end": 61.46, "text": "hay neighbor, and you think 200 is steep."}, {"start": 61.46, "end": 62.82, "text": "I'm 50 years old."}, {"start": 62.82, "end": 64.74, "text": "I'm 300 grand in debt."}, {"start": 64.74, "end": 68.7, "text": "I am on my knees in your bathroom right now scrubbing a toilet that looks like it lost"}, {"start": 68.7, "end": 72.42, "text": "a knife fight and you're standing over me in a robe made of money going."}, {"start": 72.42, "end": 74.66, "text": "Is this really a $200 job?"}, {"start": 74.66, "end": 78.74, "text": "Yes, yes it is because you're husband and I want to be clear."}, {"start": 78.74, "end": 82.38, "text": "I have never met a man with worse aim in my entire fucking life."}, {"start": 82.38, "end": 86.22, "text": "Your husband has been peeing at your walls like he's putting out a campfire."}, {"start": 86.22, "end": 89.38, "text": "I found dried piss on the ceiling on the ceiling."}, {"start": 89.38, "end": 90.7, "text": "What is he launching it?"}, {"start": 90.7, "end": 93.46, "text": "And she goes, well the last girl only charged 80."}, {"start": 93.46, "end": 94.46, "text": "Great."}, {"start": 94.46, "end": 95.46, "text": "Call the last girl."}, {"start": 95.46, "end": 96.46, "text": "Oh you can't?"}, {"start": 96.46, "end": 99.34, "text": "Because she saw this bathroom and she moved and changed her name."}, {"start": 99.34, "end": 103.98, "text": "And then, then this is my favorite she leans in real sweet and goes, tell you what, I'll"}, {"start": 103.98, "end": 106.78, "text": "throw in a nice tip if you do a really good job."}, {"start": 106.78, "end": 107.78, "text": "A tip."}, {"start": 107.78, "end": 111.1, "text": "I have been promised more tips than a fucking dartboard."}, {"start": 111.1, "end": 113.3, "text": "You know how many of those tips showed up?"}, {"start": 113.3, "end": 114.3, "text": "Zero."}, {"start": 114.3, "end": 115.58, "text": "Zero dollars."}, {"start": 115.58, "end": 119.62, "text": "I have driven home so many times with nothing but a gaslight and a granola bar."}, {"start": 119.62, "end": 124.38, "text": "I found under your couch going, well at least I got the experience so I scrubbed her whole"}, {"start": 124.38, "end": 125.38, "text": "house."}, {"start": 125.38, "end": 130.02, "text": "Four hours on my knees made that piss ceiling shine like a chandelier and at the end she"}, {"start": 130.02, "end": 132.74, "text": "hands me a hundred and forty and goes, I took a little off."}, {"start": 132.74, "end": 134.66, "text": "You missed a spot behind the toilet."}, {"start": 134.66, "end": 135.66, "text": "Behind the toilet."}, {"start": 135.66, "end": 138.98, "text": "Ma'am nobody has been behind that toilet since the house was built."}, {"start": 138.98, "end": 140.74, "text": "There's a civilization back there."}, {"start": 140.74, "end": 142.26, "text": "They have their own flag."}, {"start": 142.26, "end": 146.86, "text": "So here's what I want you to understand all you hilltop robe people who think 200 is too"}, {"start": 146.86, "end": 147.86, "text": "much."}, {"start": 147.86, "end": 149.22, "text": "I'm not charging you to clean."}, {"start": 149.22, "end": 151.5, "text": "I'm charging you to bury the evidence."}, {"start": 151.5, "end": 155.42, "text": "That's a bargain and I will drive home with forty bucks and half a granola bar and I will"}, {"start": 155.42, "end": 160.14, "text": "be back next week on my knees smiling because that's the whole sick miracle of it."}, {"start": 160.14, "end": 161.22, "text": "You couldn't break me."}, {"start": 161.22, "end": 162.9, "text": "You could only make me cleaner."}, {"start": 162.9, "end": 166.98, "text": "I clean houses for cash because I'm fifty years old and three hundred grand in the"}, {"start": 166.98, "end": 167.98, "text": "hole."}, {"start": 167.98, "end": 172.42, "text": "So let me tell you about the single nastiest house I ever walked into."}, {"start": 172.42, "end": 174.98, "text": "Lady books a standard clean."}, {"start": 174.98, "end": 176.06, "text": "Standard."}, {"start": 176.06, "end": 180.5, "text": "I opened the door and the smell hits me like a fist made of tuna and regret."}, {"start": 180.5, "end": 185.3, "text": "I actually took a step back into the yard to confirm I still lived on planet earth."}, {"start": 185.3, "end": 187.18, "text": "There is a couch in the living room."}, {"start": 187.18, "end": 189.22, "text": "There was a couch in the living room."}, {"start": 189.22, "end": 191.86, "text": "Now it's a compost pile with cushions."}, {"start": 191.86, "end": 197.06, "text": "I lived one cushion and forty two crusty napkins exhale at me like the couch just finished"}, {"start": 197.06, "end": 198.14, "text": "a cigarette."}, {"start": 198.14, "end": 202.22, "text": "The kitchen sink had dishes in it soaking so long they evolved."}, {"start": 202.22, "end": 204.94, "text": "There's a plate down there that developed a personality."}, {"start": 204.94, "end": 206.54, "text": "It looked up at me."}, {"start": 206.54, "end": 210.94, "text": "It said, you're the guy and I said, yeah, I'm the guy."}, {"start": 210.94, "end": 215.66, "text": "I got to the bathroom and I want you to understand I have scrubbed a lot of toilets."}, {"start": 215.66, "end": 219.94, "text": "This toilet had a ring so thick I couldn't tell if I was scrubbing porcelain or breaking"}, {"start": 219.94, "end": 221.94, "text": "through into a new dimension."}, {"start": 221.94, "end": 224.78, "text": "I hit it with the brush and it hit back."}, {"start": 224.78, "end": 226.1, "text": "Bristles came off."}, {"start": 226.1, "end": 227.78, "text": "The toilet ate my equipment."}, {"start": 227.78, "end": 232.94, "text": "I'm on my knees gagging, eyes watering scrubbing another human being's forty year old shame"}, {"start": 232.94, "end": 234.3, "text": "off a bowl."}, {"start": 234.3, "end": 239.46, "text": "And she strolls in, sips her little coffee and goes, oh don't worry about deep cleaning,"}, {"start": 239.46, "end": 240.86, "text": "I'll tip you extra."}, {"start": 240.86, "end": 242.58, "text": "I never saw that tip."}, {"start": 242.58, "end": 246.1, "text": "That tip is out there somewhere with my dignity and my retirement."}, {"start": 246.1, "end": 248.66, "text": "All three of them at a bar laughing at me."}, {"start": 248.66, "end": 250.26, "text": "And here's the part that'll get you."}, {"start": 250.26, "end": 251.26, "text": "I finished it."}, {"start": 251.26, "end": 253.98, "text": "I made that filthy bathroom shine."}, {"start": 253.98, "end": 258.34, "text": "Because I don't leave a job half done even a job that tried to kill me."}, {"start": 258.34, "end": 263.54, "text": "So yeah, I scrubbed the nastiest bowl in America for 200 bucks I had to split and I drove"}, {"start": 263.54, "end": 266.02, "text": "home broke and smelling like a landfill."}, {"start": 266.02, "end": 269.58, "text": "But that toilet, that toilet is clean, motherfucker."}, {"start": 269.58, "end": 272.66, "text": "That's the one thing in my life I actually finished."}, {"start": 272.66, "end": 277.26, "text": "So I'm 50 years old, 300 grand in debt on my knees scrubbing a stranger's toilet for"}, {"start": 277.26, "end": 282.1, "text": "gas money and this lady is standing in the doorway, watching me, arms crossed, like I'm"}, {"start": 282.1, "end": 284.06, "text": "gonna pocket the fucking piss."}, {"start": 284.06, "end": 285.22, "text": "Lady, what am I stealing?"}, {"start": 285.22, "end": 286.22, "text": "The stink?"}, {"start": 286.22, "end": 287.22, "text": "You want it back?"}, {"start": 287.22, "end": 288.22, "text": "I'll leave it."}, {"start": 288.42, "end": 290.18, "text": "It came with the house."}, {"start": 290.18, "end": 293.02, "text": "She follows me room to room like a shadow with a fitbit."}, {"start": 293.02, "end": 295.06, "text": "I go to the kitchen, she's there."}, {"start": 295.06, "end": 297.46, "text": "I go to the bathroom, she's there."}, {"start": 297.46, "end": 301.46, "text": "I bend over to reach behind the toilet and I feel her breath on my neck like a divorced"}, {"start": 301.46, "end": 303.9, "text": "ghost who paid extra."}, {"start": 303.9, "end": 306.78, "text": "And she narrates, you missed a spot."}, {"start": 306.78, "end": 308.98, "text": "No shit Sherlock, I've been here four minutes."}, {"start": 308.98, "end": 309.98, "text": "I haven't missed it."}, {"start": 309.98, "end": 311.42, "text": "I haven't met it yet."}, {"start": 311.42, "end": 314.14, "text": "I'm building a relationship with the spot."}, {"start": 314.14, "end": 315.78, "text": "We're taking it slow."}, {"start": 315.78, "end": 319.38, "text": "And she does the thing where she wipes where I already wiped."}, {"start": 319.38, "end": 324.22, "text": "With her own paper towel in front of me, squins at it like she's investigating a murder."}, {"start": 324.22, "end": 326.02, "text": "Lady, that's a clean counter."}, {"start": 326.02, "end": 330.38, "text": "The only DNA on there is my broke ass fingerprints and one tear."}, {"start": 330.38, "end": 333.82, "text": "And the whole time, the whole hour, she's promising me a tip."}, {"start": 333.82, "end": 335.74, "text": "Oh, you're doing such a great job."}, {"start": 335.74, "end": 337.34, "text": "I'm gonna take care of you."}, {"start": 337.34, "end": 338.94, "text": "You know what she took care of?"}, {"start": 338.94, "end": 340.42, "text": "Absolutely fucking nothing."}, {"start": 340.42, "end": 345.14, "text": "I drive home, split the cash with my partner and I got enough left over to buy the exact"}, {"start": 345.14, "end": 347.62, "text": "bottle of cleaner I used at her house."}, {"start": 347.62, "end": 349.78, "text": "So here's what I finally figured out."}, {"start": 349.78, "end": 351.5, "text": "She wasn't watching me clean."}, {"start": 351.5, "end": 356.58, "text": "She was watching the one guy in her life who showed up, did the whole job, and never once"}, {"start": 356.58, "end": 358.62, "text": "asked her for anything back."}, {"start": 358.62, "end": 360.06, "text": "So keep watching, lady."}, {"start": 360.06, "end": 364.82, "text": "That's the closest thing to a man you've had in the house all year and he came with a mop."}, {"start": 364.82, "end": 368.02, "text": "So the lady books me for a light tidy up."}, {"start": 368.02, "end": 369.46, "text": "Light tidy up."}, {"start": 369.46, "end": 372.94, "text": "I show up and it looks like a frat threw up on a wedding."}, {"start": 372.94, "end": 375.1, "text": "There's a bra on the ceiling fan."}, {"start": 375.14, "end": 377.3, "text": "On the fan, how?"}, {"start": 377.3, "end": 381.46, "text": "What velocity does a titty need to reach to hang drywall like that?"}, {"start": 381.46, "end": 383.98, "text": "I don't clean this house, I investigate it."}, {"start": 383.98, "end": 388.58, "text": "I need a chalk outline and a priest and I'm not allowed to call the priest."}, {"start": 388.58, "end": 393.86, "text": "First thing I step on, a half a chicken wing soaked in something warm."}, {"start": 393.86, "end": 394.86, "text": "Warm."}, {"start": 394.86, "end": 396.26, "text": "The party ended Tuesday."}, {"start": 396.26, "end": 400.74, "text": "It is now Friday and this wing is still holding a body temperature."}, {"start": 400.74, "end": 402.06, "text": "That's not a leftover."}, {"start": 402.06, "end": 403.06, "text": "That's a survivor."}, {"start": 403.06, "end": 404.3, "text": "It's got a pulse."}, {"start": 404.3, "end": 406.82, "text": "I threw it out and it screamed."}, {"start": 406.82, "end": 409.06, "text": "Then I find the bathroom and listen."}, {"start": 409.06, "end": 412.42, "text": "I have scrubbed a lot of stranger's toilets to feed myself."}, {"start": 412.42, "end": 413.74, "text": "I know shit."}, {"start": 413.74, "end": 415.34, "text": "This was not shit."}, {"start": 415.34, "end": 417.1, "text": "This was a decision."}, {"start": 417.1, "end": 422.5, "text": "Somebody stood in that tub, looked at the toilet four feet away and said, no, the tub deserves"}, {"start": 422.5, "end": 423.5, "text": "this."}, {"start": 423.5, "end": 428.86, "text": "And I'm 50 years old, 300 grand in debt on my knees in a rich person's tub scraping a"}, {"start": 428.86, "end": 430.26, "text": "stranger's regret."}, {"start": 430.26, "end": 432.66, "text": "Going, this is the dream, baby."}, {"start": 432.66, "end": 435.06, "text": "This is showbiz."}, {"start": 435.06, "end": 436.3, "text": "She comes home."}, {"start": 436.3, "end": 443.34, "text": "She looks around at the miracle I performed and she goes, oh, I'll Venmo you the tip tonight."}, {"start": 443.34, "end": 444.34, "text": "Tonight."}, {"start": 444.34, "end": 448.66, "text": "Lady, I have heard tonight from you people my whole life."}, {"start": 448.66, "end": 452.66, "text": "Your tonight and that chicken wing have the exact same lifespan."}, {"start": 452.66, "end": 456.54, "text": "They both die in the driveway and never make it to my house."}, {"start": 456.54, "end": 460.86, "text": "But I drove home with 40 bucks and my dignity in a trash bag and you know what?"}, {"start": 460.86, "end": 467.94, "text": "I'll be back Tuesday because that tub, that tub knows my name now and I know its secrets."}, {"start": 467.94, "end": 471.58, "text": "Let me tell you about the client who promised me a big tip."}, {"start": 471.58, "end": 475.5, "text": "She opens the door in a row but two in the afternoon holding a wine glass the size of"}, {"start": 475.5, "end": 479.62, "text": "a fucking bird bath and she goes, oh, you take such good care of me."}, {"start": 479.62, "end": 482.34, "text": "I'm going to take such good care of you."}, {"start": 482.34, "end": 483.34, "text": "That's the setup."}, {"start": 483.34, "end": 484.34, "text": "That's the con."}, {"start": 484.34, "end": 487.46, "text": "That sentence has cost me more money than my divorce."}, {"start": 487.46, "end": 491.66, "text": "So I go in and this woman lives like a raccoon with a credit card."}, {"start": 491.66, "end": 494.26, "text": "There's a cereal bowl under the couch that's evolved."}, {"start": 494.26, "end": 496.14, "text": "It's got a fucking ecosystem."}, {"start": 496.14, "end": 498.22, "text": "There's a colony living in there paying rent."}, {"start": 498.22, "end": 503.22, "text": "I scrub her toilet and her toilet had a ring on it like the inside of an old bathtub,"}, {"start": 503.22, "end": 504.7, "text": "a brown saturn ring."}, {"start": 504.7, "end": 510.02, "text": "I'm on my knees at 50 years old, 300 grand in debt, buffing another human being shit halo"}, {"start": 510.02, "end": 514.5, "text": "out of the porcelain and the whole time she's floating around behind me going, you're an"}, {"start": 514.5, "end": 515.5, "text": "angel."}, {"start": 515.5, "end": 517.7, "text": "You're having a big tip."}, {"start": 517.7, "end": 518.7, "text": "Four hours."}, {"start": 518.7, "end": 519.82, "text": "I did four hours."}, {"start": 519.82, "end": 520.9, "text": "My back is screaming."}, {"start": 520.9, "end": 526.22, "text": "My hands smell like bleach and regret and she walks me to the door grabs my arm real soft,"}, {"start": 526.22, "end": 531.02, "text": "looks me dead in the eyes and hands me a fucking granola bar, a granola bar."}, {"start": 531.02, "end": 532.26, "text": "Not even a good one."}, {"start": 532.26, "end": 536.14, "text": "The oats and sadness one that's been in the earthquake kit since the last big one"}, {"start": 536.14, "end": 538.7, "text": "and she whispers, I'll then mo you the tip tonight."}, {"start": 538.7, "end": 540.74, "text": "I promise tonight."}, {"start": 540.74, "end": 543.78, "text": "She said tonight like it was a real place I could drive to."}, {"start": 543.78, "end": 549.14, "text": "I go home, I split the cash with my partner, I've got $12 and a granola bar to show for"}, {"start": 549.14, "end": 554.58, "text": "scrubbing a stranger's ass ring off a toilet and I sit in my truck refreshing Venmo like"}, {"start": 554.58, "end": 557.42, "text": "it's gonna text me back and apologize."}, {"start": 557.42, "end": 562.72, "text": "Nothing, nothing tonight, nothing the next night, that tip is out there somewhere with"}, {"start": 562.72, "end": 567.94, "text": "the other lies at a bar, buying rounds for the raise I never got and the call back that"}, {"start": 567.94, "end": 569.34, "text": "never came."}, {"start": 569.34, "end": 573.74, "text": "And here's the thing, here's the thing that'll kill you, she gave me a five star review"}, {"start": 573.74, "end": 578.34, "text": "five stars, Jesse is a saint so trustworthy."}, {"start": 578.34, "end": 579.5, "text": "Trust worthy."}, {"start": 579.5, "end": 583.82, "text": "Lady, I trusted you, I trusted the robe and you know what?"}, {"start": 583.82, "end": 589.46, "text": "I ate the granola bar right there in the truck because I was hungry and because at 50 years"}, {"start": 589.46, "end": 594.18, "text": "old broke on my knees for strangers, I have learned one thing."}, {"start": 594.18, "end": 597.06, "text": "You can't deposit a compliment but you can chew it."}, {"start": 597.06, "end": 602.62, "text": "So I bit down on that stale, ody, minimum wage promise and I chewed."}, {"start": 602.62, "end": 607.62, "text": "And I said out loud to nobody, best tip I ever got and then I drove to the next fucking"}, {"start": 607.62, "end": 609.38, "text": "house."}, {"start": 609.38, "end": 616.34, "text": "And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every"}, {"start": 616.34, "end": 622.74, "text": "single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down"}, {"start": 622.74, "end": 630.14, "text": "24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated, can't sleep,"}, {"start": 630.14, "end": 634.46, "text": "tear up, going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 634.46, "end": 639.46, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you"}, {"start": 639.46, "end": 644.9, "text": "laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere"}, {"start": 644.9, "end": 648.38, "text": "out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 648.38, "end": 650.94, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 650.94, "end": 651.3, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's cleaning jobs from hell, five that survived the war room. If you clean for a living, this one's your therapy. Turn it up. So this lady calls me up 4,000 square foot house up on the hill and she goes $200 to clean my home. That's a little steep, don't you think? Steep. Lady, I just walked into your kitchen and there's a lasagna in the sink that has a heartbeat. There's mold on your countertop wearing a little tiny fucking hat, waving at me, going hay neighbor, and you think 200 is steep. I'm 50 years old. I'm 300 grand in debt. I am on my knees in your bathroom right now scrubbing a toilet that looks like it lost a knife fight and you're standing over me in a robe made of money going. Is this really a $200 job? Yes, yes it is because you're husband and I want to be clear. I have never met a man with worse aim in my entire fucking life. Your husband has been peeing at your walls like he's putting out a campfire. I found dried piss on the ceiling on the ceiling. What is he launching it? And she goes, well the last girl only charged 80. Great. Call the last girl. Oh you can't? Because she saw this bathroom and she moved and changed her name. And then, then this is my favorite she leans in real sweet and goes, tell you what, I'll throw in a nice tip if you do a really good job. A tip. I have been promised more tips than a fucking dartboard. You know how many of those tips showed up? Zero. Zero dollars. I have driven home so many times with nothing but a gaslight and a granola bar. I found under your couch going, well at least I got the experience so I scrubbed her whole house. Four hours on my knees made that piss ceiling shine like a chandelier and at the end she hands me a hundred and forty and goes, I took a little off. You missed a spot behind the toilet. Behind the toilet. Ma'am nobody has been behind that toilet since the house was built. There's a civilization back there. They have their own flag. So here's what I want you to understand all you hilltop robe people who think 200 is too much. I'm not charging you to clean. I'm charging you to bury the evidence. That's a bargain and I will drive home with forty bucks and half a granola bar and I will be back next week on my knees smiling because that's the whole sick miracle of it. You couldn't break me. You could only make me cleaner. I clean houses for cash because I'm fifty years old and three hundred grand in the hole. So let me tell you about the single nastiest house I ever walked into. Lady books a standard clean. Standard. I opened the door and the smell hits me like a fist made of tuna and regret. I actually took a step back into the yard to confirm I still lived on planet earth. There is a couch in the living room. There was a couch in the living room. Now it's a compost pile with cushions. I lived one cushion and forty two crusty napkins exhale at me like the couch just finished a cigarette. The kitchen sink had dishes in it soaking so long they evolved. There's a plate down there that developed a personality. It looked up at me. It said, you're the guy and I said, yeah, I'm the guy. I got to the bathroom and I want you to understand I have scrubbed a lot of toilets. This toilet had a ring so thick I couldn't tell if I was scrubbing porcelain or breaking through into a new dimension. I hit it with the brush and it hit back. Bristles came off. The toilet ate my equipment. I'm on my knees gagging, eyes watering scrubbing another human being's forty year old shame off a bowl. And she strolls in, sips her little coffee and goes, oh don't worry about deep cleaning, I'll tip you extra. I never saw that tip. That tip is out there somewhere with my dignity and my retirement. All three of them at a bar laughing at me. And here's the part that'll get you. I finished it. I made that filthy bathroom shine. Because I don't leave a job half done even a job that tried to kill me. So yeah, I scrubbed the nastiest bowl in America for 200 bucks I had to split and I drove home broke and smelling like a landfill. But that toilet, that toilet is clean, motherfucker. That's the one thing in my life I actually finished. So I'm 50 years old, 300 grand in debt on my knees scrubbing a stranger's toilet for gas money and this lady is standing in the doorway, watching me, arms crossed, like I'm gonna pocket the fucking piss. Lady, what am I stealing? The stink? You want it back? I'll leave it. It came with the house. She follows me room to room like a shadow with a fitbit. I go to the kitchen, she's there. I go to the bathroom, she's there. I bend over to reach behind the toilet and I feel her breath on my neck like a divorced ghost who paid extra. And she narrates, you missed a spot. No shit Sherlock, I've been here four minutes. I haven't missed it. I haven't met it yet. I'm building a relationship with the spot. We're taking it slow. And she does the thing where she wipes where I already wiped. With her own paper towel in front of me, squins at it like she's investigating a murder. Lady, that's a clean counter. The only DNA on there is my broke ass fingerprints and one tear. And the whole time, the whole hour, she's promising me a tip. Oh, you're doing such a great job. I'm gonna take care of you. You know what she took care of? Absolutely fucking nothing. I drive home, split the cash with my partner and I got enough left over to buy the exact bottle of cleaner I used at her house. So here's what I finally figured out. She wasn't watching me clean. She was watching the one guy in her life who showed up, did the whole job, and never once asked her for anything back. So keep watching, lady. That's the closest thing to a man you've had in the house all year and he came with a mop. So the lady books me for a light tidy up. Light tidy up. I show up and it looks like a frat threw up on a wedding. There's a bra on the ceiling fan. On the fan, how? What velocity does a titty need to reach to hang drywall like that? I don't clean this house, I investigate it. I need a chalk outline and a priest and I'm not allowed to call the priest. First thing I step on, a half a chicken wing soaked in something warm. Warm. The party ended Tuesday. It is now Friday and this wing is still holding a body temperature. That's not a leftover. That's a survivor. It's got a pulse. I threw it out and it screamed. Then I find the bathroom and listen. I have scrubbed a lot of stranger's toilets to feed myself. I know shit. This was not shit. This was a decision. Somebody stood in that tub, looked at the toilet four feet away and said, no, the tub deserves this. And I'm 50 years old, 300 grand in debt on my knees in a rich person's tub scraping a stranger's regret. Going, this is the dream, baby. This is showbiz. She comes home. She looks around at the miracle I performed and she goes, oh, I'll Venmo you the tip tonight. Tonight. Lady, I have heard tonight from you people my whole life. Your tonight and that chicken wing have the exact same lifespan. They both die in the driveway and never make it to my house. But I drove home with 40 bucks and my dignity in a trash bag and you know what? I'll be back Tuesday because that tub, that tub knows my name now and I know its secrets. Let me tell you about the client who promised me a big tip. She opens the door in a row but two in the afternoon holding a wine glass the size of a fucking bird bath and she goes, oh, you take such good care of me. I'm going to take such good care of you. That's the setup. That's the con. That sentence has cost me more money than my divorce. So I go in and this woman lives like a raccoon with a credit card. There's a cereal bowl under the couch that's evolved. It's got a fucking ecosystem. There's a colony living in there paying rent. I scrub her toilet and her toilet had a ring on it like the inside of an old bathtub, a brown saturn ring. I'm on my knees at 50 years old, 300 grand in debt, buffing another human being shit halo out of the porcelain and the whole time she's floating around behind me going, you're an angel. You're having a big tip. Four hours. I did four hours. My back is screaming. My hands smell like bleach and regret and she walks me to the door grabs my arm real soft, looks me dead in the eyes and hands me a fucking granola bar, a granola bar. Not even a good one. The oats and sadness one that's been in the earthquake kit since the last big one and she whispers, I'll then mo you the tip tonight. I promise tonight. She said tonight like it was a real place I could drive to. I go home, I split the cash with my partner, I've got $12 and a granola bar to show for scrubbing a stranger's ass ring off a toilet and I sit in my truck refreshing Venmo like it's gonna text me back and apologize. Nothing, nothing tonight, nothing the next night, that tip is out there somewhere with the other lies at a bar, buying rounds for the raise I never got and the call back that never came. And here's the thing, here's the thing that'll kill you, she gave me a five star review five stars, Jesse is a saint so trustworthy. Trust worthy. Lady, I trusted you, I trusted the robe and you know what? I ate the granola bar right there in the truck because I was hungry and because at 50 years old broke on my knees for strangers, I have learned one thing. You can't deposit a compliment but you can chew it. So I bit down on that stale, ody, minimum wage promise and I chewed. And I said out loud to nobody, best tip I ever got and then I drove to the next fucking house. And that is our show but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated, can't sleep, tear up, going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}