{"file": "AUTOMATIC_FEEDER_MANUAL_FEAR_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 97.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.68, "text": "I never had kids because I wanted freedom."}, {"start": 2.68, "end": 4.32, "text": "Smart fucking plan."}, {"start": 4.32, "end": 7.6, "text": "Then I got three dogs and bought an automatic feeder with an app."}, {"start": 7.6, "end": 11.8, "text": "Now every damn morning starts with three furry little assholes staring at me like breakfast"}, {"start": 11.8, "end": 13.32, "text": "is a court order."}, {"start": 13.32, "end": 14.8, "text": "$5.59."}, {"start": 14.8, "end": 16.04, "text": "All three are lined up."}, {"start": 16.04, "end": 19.76, "text": "I say, this shitty meeting could have been a fucking email."}, {"start": 19.76, "end": 22.52, "text": "One dog gives me that tiny management face."}, {"start": 22.52, "end": 24.96, "text": "We ate 12 hours ago asshole."}, {"start": 24.96, "end": 27.08, "text": "The second bastard looks at the feeder."}, {"start": 27.08, "end": 31.68, "text": "The third one looks at my supercomputer like this dumb motherfucker bought a fucking robot"}, {"start": 31.68, "end": 33.76, "text": "brain before backup kibble."}, {"start": 33.76, "end": 35.64, "text": "Then the fucking feeder jams."}, {"start": 35.64, "end": 37.36, "text": "Of course the prick jams."}, {"start": 37.36, "end": 40.44, "text": "The app says, food delivery unsuccessful."}, {"start": 40.44, "end": 41.56, "text": "No shit."}, {"start": 41.56, "end": 45.2, "text": "I can automate comedy, websites, and half my damn house."}, {"start": 45.2, "end": 49.96, "text": "But three pieces of asshole kibble form a labor union inside a plastic tube."}, {"start": 49.96, "end": 54.4, "text": "While I am fixing that shit, one dog leaves a turd beside the robot vacuum."}, {"start": 54.4, "end": 56.68, "text": "The vacuum says, scanning."}, {"start": 56.68, "end": 59.24, "text": "Do not fucking scan it you stupid prick."}, {"start": 59.24, "end": 60.88, "text": "Back away from the evidence."}, {"start": 60.88, "end": 61.96, "text": "Too late."}, {"start": 61.96, "end": 66.36, "text": "That bastard paints a brown loading bar from the kitchen to the fucking hallway."}, {"start": 66.36, "end": 69.2, "text": "Some dickhead yells, train your dogs."}, {"start": 69.2, "end": 70.76, "text": "I did asshole."}, {"start": 70.76, "end": 75.78, "text": "They train me to wake up at six, bag their shit, repair their fucking appliances, and thank"}, {"start": 75.78, "end": 77.72, "text": "them for living in my house."}, {"start": 77.72, "end": 81.44, "text": "What is your landlord trained you to do besides whisper after ten?"}, {"start": 81.44, "end": 83.96, "text": "These dogs think they run this motherfucker."}, {"start": 83.96, "end": 84.96, "text": "Cute."}, {"start": 84.96, "end": 86.16, "text": "I own the feeder app."}, {"start": 86.16, "end": 89.76, "text": "Tomorrow breakfast moves from six o'clock to six o' two."}, {"start": 89.76, "end": 90.76, "text": "Two minutes."}, {"start": 90.76, "end": 92.64, "text": "The entire board folds."}, {"start": 92.64, "end": 93.64, "text": "There it is."}, {"start": 93.64, "end": 95.92, "text": "Automatic feeder manual fear."}, {"start": 95.92, "end": 97.12, "text": "Who is red now bitches?"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI never had kids because I wanted freedom. Smart fucking plan. Then I got three dogs and bought an automatic feeder with an app. Now every damn morning starts with three furry little assholes staring at me like breakfast is a court order. $5.59. All three are lined up. I say, this shitty meeting could have been a fucking email. One dog gives me that tiny management face. We ate 12 hours ago asshole. The second bastard looks at the feeder. The third one looks at my supercomputer like this dumb motherfucker bought a fucking robot brain before backup kibble. Then the fucking feeder jams. Of course the prick jams. The app says, food delivery unsuccessful. No shit. I can automate comedy, websites, and half my damn house. But three pieces of asshole kibble form a labor union inside a plastic tube. While I am fixing that shit, one dog leaves a turd beside the robot vacuum. The vacuum says, scanning. Do not fucking scan it you stupid prick. Back away from the evidence. Too late. That bastard paints a brown loading bar from the kitchen to the fucking hallway. Some dickhead yells, train your dogs. I did asshole. They train me to wake up at six, bag their shit, repair their fucking appliances, and thank them for living in my house. What is your landlord trained you to do besides whisper after ten? These dogs think they run this motherfucker. Cute. I own the feeder app. Tomorrow breakfast moves from six o'clock to six o' two. Two minutes. The entire board folds. There it is. Automatic feeder manual fear. Who is red now bitches?\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}