{"file": "ACCESS_GRANTED_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 97.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 5.2, "text": "I keep my old state employee badge in my wallet because it is the only fucking photo ID proving"}, {"start": 5.2, "end": 8.28, "text": "I once made responsible fucking decisions."}, {"start": 8.28, "end": 13.76, "text": "Sixteen years in public service, steady check, benefits, a pension path."}, {"start": 13.76, "end": 15.08, "text": "Look at the badge."}, {"start": 15.08, "end": 17.04, "text": "That bastard trust tomorrow."}, {"start": 17.04, "end": 18.24, "text": "Look at me now."}, {"start": 18.24, "end": 22.28, "text": "I clean shitty toilets and argue with a super computer that keeps locking me out of my"}, {"start": 22.28, "end": 23.6, "text": "own shit."}, {"start": 23.6, "end": 26.0, "text": "The badge used to open government doors."}, {"start": 26.0, "end": 29.88, "text": "My new machine says administrator permission required."}, {"start": 29.88, "end": 30.88, "text": "Administrator?"}, {"start": 30.88, "end": 33.16, "text": "Motherfucker, I fucking bought you."}, {"start": 33.16, "end": 38.12, "text": "I am your administrator, your landlord, and the dumb bastard paying the electric bill."}, {"start": 38.12, "end": 40.36, "text": "Open the fucking folder asshole."}, {"start": 40.36, "end": 43.96, "text": "Then the computer gets that calm little prick attitude."}, {"start": 43.96, "end": 44.96, "text": "Access denied."}, {"start": 44.96, "end": 47.16, "text": "Oh, we are doing government shit again."}, {"start": 47.16, "end": 48.16, "text": "Great."}, {"start": 48.16, "end": 49.48, "text": "Take a fucking number."}, {"start": 49.48, "end": 50.96, "text": "Window three is closed."}, {"start": 50.96, "end": 52.76, "text": "Window four is on lunch."}, {"start": 52.76, "end": 57.6, "text": "My own asshole robot has sixteen years of my training and none of my benefits."}, {"start": 57.6, "end": 61.36, "text": "A heckler says, you quit a state job to fight with a folder?"}, {"start": 61.36, "end": 63.84, "text": "Yeah, asshole, and I am fucking winning."}, {"start": 63.84, "end": 65.64, "text": "I left one bureaucracy."}, {"start": 65.64, "end": 69.68, "text": "Your shitty personality is still waiting for approval in a beige hallway."}, {"start": 69.68, "end": 72.52, "text": "So I hold the old badge up to the supercomputer."}, {"start": 72.52, "end": 73.52, "text": "Beep."}, {"start": 73.52, "end": 74.52, "text": "Access denied."}, {"start": 74.52, "end": 76.2, "text": "I hold it up again."}, {"start": 76.2, "end": 77.2, "text": "Beep."}, {"start": 77.2, "end": 78.2, "text": "Access denied."}, {"start": 78.2, "end": 79.2, "text": "Fine."}, {"start": 79.2, "end": 81.12, "text": "Red fucking authorization."}, {"start": 81.12, "end": 86.2, "text": "I unplug the stubborn prick, count to ten, plug it back in, and suddenly the bastard folder"}, {"start": 86.2, "end": 88.92, "text": "opens like it remembered who pays rent."}, {"start": 88.92, "end": 91.52, "text": "That badge says I used to work for the system."}, {"start": 91.52, "end": 94.36, "text": "This receipt says the system works for me now."}, {"start": 94.36, "end": 96.12, "text": "Access granted, motherfucker."}, {"start": 96.12, "end": 97.48, "text": "Jesse has entered the building."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI keep my old state employee badge in my wallet because it is the only fucking photo ID proving I once made responsible fucking decisions. Sixteen years in public service, steady check, benefits, a pension path. Look at the badge. That bastard trust tomorrow. Look at me now. I clean shitty toilets and argue with a super computer that keeps locking me out of my own shit. The badge used to open government doors. My new machine says administrator permission required. Administrator? Motherfucker, I fucking bought you. I am your administrator, your landlord, and the dumb bastard paying the electric bill. Open the fucking folder asshole. Then the computer gets that calm little prick attitude. Access denied. Oh, we are doing government shit again. Great. Take a fucking number. Window three is closed. Window four is on lunch. My own asshole robot has sixteen years of my training and none of my benefits. A heckler says, you quit a state job to fight with a folder? Yeah, asshole, and I am fucking winning. I left one bureaucracy. Your shitty personality is still waiting for approval in a beige hallway. So I hold the old badge up to the supercomputer. Beep. Access denied. I hold it up again. Beep. Access denied. Fine. Red fucking authorization. I unplug the stubborn prick, count to ten, plug it back in, and suddenly the bastard folder opens like it remembered who pays rent. That badge says I used to work for the system. This receipt says the system works for me now. Access granted, motherfucker. Jesse has entered the building.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}