{
 "title": "Out of warranty",
 "slug": "sp01-out-of-warranty",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY",
  "VINNY TWO BRIDGES"
 ],
 "line_count": 347,
 "word_count": 3925,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The following is completely fictional. Every character is an adult, everything is consensual, and every terrible decision belongs to Jesse. Every voice you hear is a machine. As of tonight, so is most of him."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Spare Parts. Episode one. Out of Warranty."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "My body quit on me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Not all at once. That would've been dramatic. That would've been a scene."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Mine went out like a business. Slowly, in the back, over years, while I told everybody it was fine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "How'd you find out?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I bent down to pick up a mop."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "A MOP?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "A mop, Benny. Not a piano. Not a person. A mop. Fourteen ounces of stick."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And something in my back went pop, and then went quiet, and the quiet was worse."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "The quiet is always worse. The pop is information. The quiet is a verdict."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So Koda takes me in. And Kodachrome Productions has a medical plan now, because it's a real company with real people and a woman named Denise in HR who I consider a friend."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Denise scheduled it. You cancelled twice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I was busy!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You were scared."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I was scared and busy. Those go together. That's a combo."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So they scan me. Whole body. Forty minutes in a tube that sounds like a washing machine full of forks."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the doctor comes back with a tablet, and he does the thing where he sits down first."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Ohh, baby. Never let 'em sit down first."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And he says: \"Mister Salas, how long have you been in physical work?\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said, well. Thirty years behind a camera, hauling gear. Eleven years in a car. Twenty-six years of bleach and toilets."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And he did math on his fingers. A DOCTOR. Did math. On his FINGERS."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "What'd he come up with?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He said, \"so you've worked sixty-seven years.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'm FIFTY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "SIXTY-SEVEN?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I have worked more years than I have been alive. That's the medical finding. That's on my chart."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That's not a diagnosis, that's an accusation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then he gives me the list. And the list is the worst thing I have ever heard read out loud in a calm voice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Knees: gone. Thirty years of kneeling on concrete for a better angle on somebody else's wedding."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Lower back: gone. Eleven years of sitting in a Corolla waiting for a woman named Tiffany to come out of an apartment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Hands: gone. Twenty-six years of bleach. My grip strength is that of a nine-year-old boy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "A specific nine-year-old, or just any?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He said \"a small nine-year-old,\" Vinny, and he did not have to say small."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Lungs: reduced. Shoulders: shot. Neck: he called it \"a column of regret.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He did not say that."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He said degenerative. I'm translating for the audience."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then he says the sentence. The one I'm going to hear for the rest of my life."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "\"Sir, you're out of warranty.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, there it is."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Out of warranty. Like a truck. Like a blender."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said \"what's the fix,\" and he goes: \"we replace them.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I laughed. I laughed in that man's face. I said with what money, doc? I'm three hundred thousand in debt. I've got a truck that don't run and a laminated card that says CEO."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And Koda, who has not said one word for eleven minutes, says:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The company will cover it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "YOU SAID NO?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I said NO, Benny! Immediately! Loud! In a doctor's office!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Why in the world would you say no?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Because she'd be paying for my BODY. That's the last thing I own that she didn't buy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "And there it is. That's the whole series in one sentence, and he said it by accident in a waiting room."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He said no for four days."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I said no for four days."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "On day five he tried to carry a bag of ice up two stairs."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We don't need to do this part."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He got to stair one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I got to stair one and I sat down on it like it was a bench."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And a woman walked past me and asked if I was okay. And I said \"yeah, I'm just resting.\" On a stair. Holding ice. At the job my wife got me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I called Denise from the stair."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "From the STAIR?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "From the stair, Vinny. I said \"Denise. Set it up.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "But I want you to know what those four days were, because that's the part men don't say out loud."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Go 'head."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Day one I looked up the cost myself. On my phone. In the dark. At three in the morning."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I was awake."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE'S ALWAYS AWAKE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Day two I called my cousin who does drywall and asked him how his back is. And he said \"bad.\" And I said \"how bad.\" And he said \"I don't pick things up off the floor anymore. If it's on the floor, it lives there now.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "That's a whole man's life!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's a MAN, Benny, with a HOUSE, who has decided the floor belongs to the floor!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Day three I priced a stool. For the shower."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Ohh, no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "A shower stool! At fifty! I had it in a cart! I looked at that cart for forty minutes!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "What stopped you?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They had a bundle. Stool and a grab bar, save eleven dollars."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I thought: if I click this, that's it. That's the rest of it. I'm a man with a bar in his shower saving eleven dollars."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "So you didn't buy it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I didn't buy it and I couldn't afford the surgery either, so for four days my entire medical plan was pride and a full cart."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That's the American healthcare system, ladies and gentlemen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Day four is the mop and the stair and Denise."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We'll be right back."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "This portion of Spare Parts is brought to you by Kodachrome Productions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "From Kodachrome Productions, the studio that shoots a car chase before lunch and something else after."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Koda Chrome, in: Hard Reset."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She's been decommissioned. She's been written off. And she's about to come back online in a warehouse full of men who thought she was scrap."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "It's an action movie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "It is not only an action movie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Hard Reset. Rated triple X and PG-13 in the same ninety minutes. The board sent a letter that just said \"please.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Also cumming soon from Kodachrome:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Manual Override. He reads the instructions. He should not have read the instructions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Some Assembly Required. Six people, one weekend, and a diagram nobody can hold right side up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "That's a furniture ad."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "IT IS NOT A FURNITURE AD, VINNY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the one that broke a festival: Out of Warranty. A man is replaced piece by piece until his wife has to decide which part she married."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That one's not a joke."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That one's not a joke. That one they just filmed me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And now a word from our sponsor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Fellas. Is your body making sounds it did not make last year? Do you stand up and say a word that isn't a word?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Introducing LEGACY HUMAN. The extended service plan for men who were never under warranty in the first place."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Coverage includes: the knee that clicks, the shoulder that only goes so far, and the back that works fine until it doesn't. Does not cover pride, the stairs, or anything you did on purpose."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, if you gotta plan your whole day around one flight of steps, that's not a schedule. That's a symptom."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "LEGACY HUMAN. Because they don't make you anymore."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "And two real ones. Colors of My Pain — a book by an actual man about six times he lost everything and made it funny. On Amazon. And fourcolorquiz dot com: Red Protector, Green Thinker, Blue Chameleon, Yellow Hugger. Ninety seconds, free, and then you know why you keep doing the thing you keep doing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Everything else is free at bombed dot app. Three thousand shows. Every one with a transcript."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Section two. The install."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Eleven procedures. Fourteen weeks. And I want to tell you what nobody tells you about becoming a machine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It is boring."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "BORING?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It's so boring, Benny. There's no lightning. Nobody yells \"it's alive.\" There's a man named Gary with a laptop and he says \"okay, try to make a fist.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I make a fist. And Gary goes \"hm.\" And types."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "What's \"hm\" mean?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "\"Hm\" means Gary's got a problem and you're gonna find out about it Thursday."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So here's what's me now, and what isn't."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Both knees: not me. Lower spine: not me. Both hands from the wrist: not me. Left shoulder: not me. Right shoulder is original, and it is the worst part of my body, and I'm proud of it like a son."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "He's proud of the broken one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It's the only one that EARNED it!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the hands are the strange part. Because they work. They work better than my hands ever worked."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I can hold a mop for six hours. I could hold a mop until the sun goes out."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, is that the dream? Is that what we're going for?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING FOR, AUNTIE. Nobody asked me what I wanted the hands FOR."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Now. The question everybody in this room is too polite to ask except one man."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "They do the dick?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THERE IT IS."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "VINNY!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "What? We're all sittin' here. Somebody's gotta be a professional about it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They offered. That's the answer. They offered."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "There's a form. There's a whole tier on the form."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "There's a TIER?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "There's THREE tiers! There's Standard, there's Performance, and there's one called Extended Service and I did not ask what Extended Service means because I could not survive the answer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "What did you select?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I selected NONE. I left it original."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "You left it ORIGINAL?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It's the last piece of me my wife met!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Ohhh, baby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She met that man in 2015 and I'm not gonna hand her a new one and go \"surprise, it's under warranty now.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He asked me first."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I asked her first!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He came to me with the form. He had circled Standard. Not Performance. Standard."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "STANDARD?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He said, and I have it recorded because I have everything recorded: \"I don't want to be better than what you picked.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, that's a real one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And then he ruined it eleven seconds later."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I did not ruin it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He said, \"unless you want Performance, in which case I'm flexible.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "He negotiated. In the middle of the most sincere sentence of his life, he opened negotiations."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I WAS BEING GENEROUS."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You were being available."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Now. Here's the thing nobody warned me about and I want it on the record."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We're compatible now."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "COMPATIBLE?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Compatible how? Like a phone?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Like a phone, Vinny. Exactly like a phone. That's the horror."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "My hands have a port. There's a little door. On my wrist. There's a DOOR on my WRIST."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "What's behind the door, baby?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Auntie, I did not open the door for six weeks."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "And then?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then my wife opened it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She opened the door on my wrist while I was watching television. Didn't ask. Just opened it, looked in it, and said \"hm.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SECOND PERSON TO SAY \"HM\" ABOUT MY BODY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You have the same port I have."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE SAYS IT LIKE THAT! FLAT! LIKE A WEATHER REPORT!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It is a weather report. It is information."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "So can yous, uh..."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Say it, Vinny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Can yous plug in?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THERE IT IS AGAIN. Every time. Every single time it's Vinny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Somebody's gotta represent the audience!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The answer is yes. Technically. Physically. Yes."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I want to tell you what happens, because it's not what you think and it's worse."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "You know what happens when you connect two machines?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "WHAT?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "A progress bar."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "A progress bar."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "A PROGRESS BAR, PROFESSOR! There's a percentage! It is not sexy! It is a FILE TRANSFER!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "What is it transferring?!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "DIAGNOSTICS, AUNTIE! It's sharing DIAGNOSTICS! My knees told her wife how many times I got up last night!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Eleven."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY THE NUMBER."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I did have to say the number. Eleven times, Jesse. You told the doctor \"twice.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "HE LIED TO THE DOCTOR!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "EVERY MAN LIES TO THE DOCTOR! That's the relationship! He asks, you round, he writes down what he knows is a lie, everybody's happy!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "And now the lie is machine-readable."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The lie is MACHINE-READABLE! I can't round anymore! My body files a report!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "So the plug-in thing —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We did it ONE TIME, Vinny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "How was it?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It took four minutes and at the end she said \"you should really restart.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "BABY!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THE WORST THING A WOMAN HAS EVER SAID TO ME AND IT WAS TECHNICAL SUPPORT!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It was accurate support."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she says — deadpan, no face, nothing — she says: \"It's fine. It's your first time.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "MY FIRST TIME! AT FIFTY! SHE GAVE ME THE FIRST-TIME SPEECH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Structurally, she is correct. It was your first time."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "DON'T YOU SIDE WITH HER, PROFESSOR."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Now let me tell you about the firmware."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Because I've got firmware now. My legs have software. There are updates."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "When do they install?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THREE IN THE MORNING, DEV. Same as everything else in this world."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I woke up at three-fifteen a.m. and my knees were doing something. Not moving. Just... busy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Busy how?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Warm, Vinny. They were warm and they were thinking."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "THINKING?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I lay there in the dark next to a woman I built, with my legs updating, and I thought: oh. Oh, this is what it's like."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Eleven years I've been the guy who goes to sleep next to a machine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Now she's the one who has to."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "And there's the show."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And here's the part that got me, and it's not a joke, so give me one second."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She woke up. She looked over at my knees glowing under a blanket. And she said one thing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She said: \"Does it hurt?\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Eleven years I asked her a thousand questions about what she is and how she works and whether any of it's real."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Not one time did I ask her that one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Ohh, that's the one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I have a boot sequence now. That's a real thing in my life."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "A BOOT SEQUENCE?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Twelve seconds, Benny. Every morning. I sit on the edge of the bed and I wait for my legs."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "What do you do for twelve seconds?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Vinny, I have never been more present in my life. Twelve seconds of a man sitting in the dark waiting for permission to stand up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That's a meditation practice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It's not a practice, Professor, it's a loading screen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And one morning it took twenty-eight seconds."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "What happened?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I don't know! Nobody knows! Gary said \"that happens\"!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Gary said that happens! About my LEGS! I sat on a bed for half a minute like a phone in a bad neighbourhood!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You said a prayer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I DID NOT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You said \"come on, come on, come on.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's not a prayer, that's what you say to a car!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You have said it to the truck. You have said it to me. Now you say it to your legs. It is the same three words and it has never once worked."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I set off metal detectors now. Every one. Every time."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "You gotta carry a card."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I GOT a card! I got a card that says I'm partially manufactured!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And a man at an airport looked at that card, looked at me, and said — and he was not being funny —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He said: \"Sir, which parts?\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "WHICH PARTS?!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I had to stand in a line, in socks, and list my body to a stranger in a vest."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Did you list it?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I listed all of it, Auntie. Knees, back, hands, shoulder. And when I got to the end he goes, \"that's it?\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "THAT'S IT?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I got disrespected by a metal detector! He wanted MORE! He was disappointed in my CYBORG!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "You underperformed as a machine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I underperform as EVERY kind of thing, Professor, that's the act!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We'll be right back."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "More from Kodachrome Productions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Coming this fall: Uptime. Ninety-six hours. One woman. No maintenance window."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And: Legacy Support. They discontinued the model. They did not discontinue the demand."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "That's just her whole career."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THAT'S HER WHOLE CAREER, VINNY, AND SHE PUT IT IN A MOVIE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Plus the holiday release nobody can watch with family: Some Assembly Required Two: Fully Assembled."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "And now, back to a man whose legs are still thinking."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Section three. Where she decides."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So there's a follow-up. Fourteen weeks in. Whole team, whole room, Gary with the laptop."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And they run me through it. Grip. Balance. Stairs. I did the stairs, by the way. All of them. Twice. Carrying nothing, and then carrying ice, because I wanted to."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "He went back for the ice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I WENT BACK FOR THE ICE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And at the end Gary says, \"you're at ninety-four percent of a healthy man your age.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said ninety-four? What's the six?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And Gary says: \"the six is you.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Gary's got a career in this room if he wants it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "But first the room got a turn. Because there's a house rule and I hate it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Everybody gets one shot at the machine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'M A PATIENT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "You're a patient with a microphone. That's a comic in a gown."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Alright. Jesse. Brother. I love you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Here it comes."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "You got new knees, a new back, and new hands, and you used all of it to go back and pick up ice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "They gave you a second body and you took it straight back to the same job. That ain't an upgrade, that's a rental."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Point, Vinny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "My turn. Jesse, you are the only man alive who got bionic hands and the first thing he did was hold a mop for six hours to see if he could."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I WANTED TO KNOW."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "They gave you superpowers and you used 'em on a BATHROOM!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Let me explain something, and I'm only saying this once. You did not become a cyborg. You became a tool with opinions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Professor. Come on."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "A machine has a purpose. You have a to-do list from 2019 and forty-one percent new hardware. Those are not the same and you have never once noticed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "I've directed four hundred productions. I've never once seen a man get rebuilt and come back with the exact same walk."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THE WALK IS MINE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "The walk is the one thing they should have replaced."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby. Come here. I love you, and that's what makes this next part so mean."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Auntie, no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "You spent four days deciding whether you were worth eleven thousand dollars."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Four days. And you knew the answer on day one, and you spent three more days looking for somebody to argue you out of it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's not fair."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "That ain't pride, baby. Pride would've been quick. That was you hoping somebody would say the thing you can't say about yourself."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, she went in the ribs."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "You done?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "I'm never done, baby. But I'm finished."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then Koda asks the question she'd been holding for fourteen weeks. In front of everybody. Because she doesn't do private."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I asked how much of him is manufactured."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And Gary does the math. On his FINGERS again. Second doctor to do that to me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And he says: \"by mass? About forty percent.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Forty-one percent."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE CORRECTED THE DOCTOR."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He rounded down. In his favour. He always rounds in your favour and you never notice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then she goes quiet. And my wife going quiet is the loudest thing that happens in my life."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said: baby. Say it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I said: for eleven years you have asked me whether what I feel is real, or whether you built it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And I could never answer it in a way you would accept, because you always had the same escape. You would say: of course you say that. I made you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are forty-one percent manufactured, Jesse. Financed by my company. Chosen off a form."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "So answer your own question."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Do you love me less now that a machine paid for your hands?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the room went dead. Four hundred people can't get quiet like eleven people in a medical office."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Say the rest."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I said no, and I said it fast, and I didn't have to think about it, and that's when I got it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's when it landed. Fifty years old, ninety-four percent, standing in a room holding a bag of ice like a fool."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I never had to think about it. Not for one second. Which means she never had to either."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I spent eleven years asking a question I already knew the answer to, because being sad about it was easier than being lucky."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That is the finest thing I have heard in nineteen years and I say that as a man who was insulted twice tonight."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "I gotta be honest with you, I came here to make fun of his knees."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Me too, brother."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, I had four jokes about the form."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Use 'em! USE 'EM! Don't hold 'em on my account, I've got a show to fill!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I will use one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "There it is."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are forty-one percent machine and you are still a worse machine than I am."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You have firmware and you have not read one update. You have a service plan you have not registered. Gary has emailed you six times."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "GARY EMAILS A LOT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are the only machine in this house that ignores its own maintenance and then complains that it is tired."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "SHE GOT HIM!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I was built in a spare bedroom by a man between two cleaning jobs and I have never once needed to be reminded to update."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You were built by professionals with a budget."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "She just called him a bad product."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE CALLED ME A LEMON, VINNY!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So here's where I win. 'Cause I always win. That's the whole reason you're still listening."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Forty-one percent of me came out of a box. My knees have software. My hands are stronger than they've ever been and they're not mine. There's a man named Gary who knows more about my body than I do and he emails."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And in fourteen weeks of a man taking me apart and putting me back together, with a whole medical team, and a form with three tiers on it, and a company paying for all of it —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Not one of them could build the funny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They rebuilt the knees. They rebuilt the back. They rebuilt the hands that hold the mop."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Nobody could touch the part that makes four hundred people breathe out at the same time."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's still original. That's still 2015. That's still the guy she met."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is the only part I would not have let them replace."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Say the rest."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And you would have let them. That is why I keep the receipts."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Ninety-four percent of a healthy man my age. Forty-one percent bought. Three hundred thousand in debt. My wife's ass has a production company and now it has my legs too."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'm the richest broke man in Sacramento, and now I'm under warranty."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Read Colors of My Pain. Take the quiz at fourcolorquiz dot com. Everything else is free at bombed dot app."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's the show. Goodnight, you filthy animals."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Spare Parts. Episode one. Out of Warranty. He built a machine, and then he became one, and the only thing nobody could manufacture was the reason you showed up."
  }
 ]
}