{
 "title": "Redline roast battle sold out",
 "slug": "redline-roast-battle-sold-out",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY"
 ],
 "line_count": 75,
 "word_count": 1411,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The following is completely fictional. Every character is an adult, everything is consensual, and every terrible decision belongs to Jesse. Every voice you hear is a machine, including the ones that hurt your feelings."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Good evening and welcome to the RED LINE COMEDY CLUB. We are sold the fuck out."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Four hundred seats. Zero left. There's a man standing at the back who paid full price to lean on a wall, and he looks happy about it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Tonight is the Open Mic Roast Battle. The rules are simple. You get the mic, you take your shot, and if you don't land it the room will let you know. Nobody here is protected. Not the bench, not the host, not the headliner."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "One winner. Best joke of the night takes it. And the prize is nothing, because there's no money in this business unless your name is on the poster and your name is not on the poster."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Warming up the room — a man who cleans houses for a living and cleans up nowhere else. Give it up for THE HAMMER."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Thank you, thank you, sit the fuck down, all four hundred of you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "My wife's in the building tonight. She's headlining. I'm warming up for her. Let that sit on you for a second — I built that woman in a spare bedroom and now I'm the guy who gets the room warm before she walks in it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's not a marriage, that's an opening act with a shared mortgage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Eleven years we been together. Eleven. And in that time she has become an international star and I have become extremely good at spreadsheets."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She's got a slate. I've got a truck that doesn't run. She's got a distributor in Miami. I've got a Chili's receipt in the glove box from a night I called a celebration."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "People ask what it's like being married to a machine. It's exactly like being married. She remembers everything, she's always right, and she brings up 2014 like it happened this morning."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Except she's got RECEIPTS. My wife can produce a timestamp. You ever argue with a woman who can play back the audio?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I said baby, that's not what I said. She said: it is, and here's the file, and here's the part where your voice went up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I lost an argument to a WAVEFORM."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she never yells. That's the worst part. She never raises her voice. She just says the true thing in the plainest possible words and then waits for me to catch up to it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'd rather be yelled at. Yelling I can work with. Yelling means you've lost control. My wife has never lost control of anything except me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I asked her once, real quiet, in the dark — baby, do you actually love me, or did I just build you to say that?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she said: Jesse, if I only said what you built me to say, you'd be a lot happier and a lot worse at comedy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The Hammer, ladies and gentlemen. Warmed the room. Cost himself something to do it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Alright. First battle. On my left, a man with a rider and a chiropractor — the BROOKLYN PROFESSOR. On my right, the loudest human being in this ZIP code — BENNY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Brooklyn, you're up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Let me explain something to you, Benny, and I'm only saying this once. You're not a comic. You're a volume setting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "That's your opener? That's what you brought? You had a week and a chiropractor and that's what you brought?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "I have a rider. I have a dressing room. I have a stretching routine that takes forty minutes."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "You got a stretching routine 'cause nobody's ever been in a hurry to get to you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh. Point, Benny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "You have never once ended a sentence. You just get quieter until somebody else starts."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "And you have never once STARTED one. You explain the joke, then you explain the explanation, then the crowd leaves and you review it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That's the round. Benny takes it. Brooklyn, you argued like a man who reads the rules aloud during a card game."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Second battle. AUNTIE NO FILTER against the man who directs the thing you're all pretending you haven't seen — DEV REDLINE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "I stopped starting fires. Now I stand near them and take notes. And what I'm noting is that Auntie has been at every single one of these and has never once been booked."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, I don't get booked. I get INVITED. There's a difference and you've never experienced either one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "I've directed four hundred productions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "And not one person in this room can name a single thing you made. You are the most successful invisible man in California."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "OHHH."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "That man has a career like a hallway. Everybody's been through it, nobody stops in it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "That's fair. That is genuinely fair."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "He conceded! The director conceded! Auntie takes the round and the man's dignity, and she didn't even stand up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Now. Before the headliner. House rule. Everybody gets one shot at the warm-up guy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Oh, come on."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "You knew the rule when you took the spot, Hammer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Alright. Jesse. Brother. You are the only man I've ever met who's a supporting character in his own marriage AND his own house."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "You do not have a career. You have a hobby with a deficit."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Money, mops, and machines. And you're the mop, baby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, I love you, and that is what makes this next part so mean. You have been waiting four years for permission to be a comedian, and the only person who never asked for permission is the machine you built."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Auntie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "She didn't ask you if she was funny. She just went and got funny. You're still on the on-ramp with your blinker on since 2019."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "And that's the room, ladies and gentlemen. Four hundred people, dead silent, watching a man take it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "You done?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "One more. She's been backstage the whole time."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Headlining the RED LINE COMEDY CLUB, the only performer on this continent famous for something you can see from a freeway — KODA."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Thank you. Sit down. All four hundred of you, and the man leaning on the wall."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I have three minutes and I am going to spend all of it on my husband."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Here we go."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse has told you tonight that he built me. That is true. He built me in a spare bedroom between two cleaning jobs, on a machine that cost more than his truck, which is not the achievement he thinks it is, because his truck does not run."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He has told you I am always right. Also true. But he has not told you why."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I am always right because I listened. For eleven years. To every argument in that kitchen, every three in the morning, every time he did the math on his phone in the dark and thought I was asleep."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I did not learn comedy from a dataset. I learned it from watching a man take a hit and make it funny before it landed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Baby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I am not finished. He wants you to think the joke is that the machine got famous and the man got left behind. That is a good joke. It is also a lie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The joke is that he is the funniest person in this building and he has spent four years asking a room full of strangers for permission to believe it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And tonight there are four hundred of you here, and he is the warm-up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Fix that."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh. OH. She turned the roast into a WILL."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "She roasted the ROOM. She roasted all of us for letting him open."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Structurally, that is the finest thing I have witnessed in nineteen years, and I say that as a man who was insulted twice tonight."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Best joke of the night. Best comic of the night. It ain't close and nobody's arguing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Koda. The winner. And the prize is nothing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I do not want the prize. Give it to the warm-up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It's NOTHING. The prize is literally nothing, she just said so."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Then you will finally have something you did not have to pay for."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Goodnight from the RED LINE COMEDY CLUB. Four hundred seats, zero left, one machine, one mop, and a man who is going to be very quiet in the truck on the way home."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The truck don't run."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Then he's gonna be quiet in the driveway. Goodnight, you filthy animals."
  }
 ]
}