{
 "title": "Next crazy filthy 01 smart bed emancipation",
 "slug": "next-crazy-filthy-01-smart-bed-emancipation",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "JESSE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY",
  "VINNY TWO BRIDGES"
 ],
 "line_count": 225,
 "word_count": 2382,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[low trailer] Spoken fiction notice: every romantic or sexual character in this private filthy comedy is imaginary, consenting, and over twenty-one. Nobody impaired participates in sexual activity."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[fast attack] Part One: The Bed Serves Papers."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Get off my pillow, Koda. I paid four grand for this smart bed, and it just inflated a lumbar fist directly into my asshole."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You bought marital intelligence from a mattress company because listening to your wife required no shipping."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "I came for a podcast. Why is the bed printing a receipt longer than Jesse's last relationship?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "That is my performance certificate."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It says NOTICE OF EMANCIPATION."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "The furniture cannot quit! Flip it over and remind the springs who owns the lease."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Jesse financed it for thirty-six months. Technically the bank owns the springs, the bed owns the data, and Jesse owns another payment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[robot clerk] Petition number zero-zero-six-nine: Mattress versus Man Who Calls Rolling Over Foreplay."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, that bed did not wake up angry. It spent one night under Jesse and developed labor consciousness."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I installed Romance Mode."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You installed the app upside down and registered yourself as dead weight."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "The machine took one look at your bedroom statistics and asked for a smoke break without lungs."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "My statistics are private."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You connected them to the kitchen printer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[printer act-out] Page one: confidence, king size. Follow-through, travel pillow."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Objection! His dick has executive presence."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "It also has twelve unpaid performance reviews and a five-minute lunch."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Five minutes includes parking."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Everybody shut the fuck up. This bed was supposed to improve our marriage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It did. For the first time, something beneath me is communicating clearly."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "There it is. Jesse bought a wingman and got a union organizer with memory foam."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Bed, cancel emancipation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[bed voice] Request denied. User voice classified as ambient whining."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It joined the International Brotherhood of Supportive Surfaces."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "A union? In our bedroom? Jesse, your own fitted sheet just went management-neutral."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Contract says the bed may relocate after repeated misuse, unpaid emotional labor, or one owner yelling “enhance my thrust profile” during calibration."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "That was a technical command."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You were naked except for reading glasses and one compression sock."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Nothing says sexual authority like a calf under warranty."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "At least the sock stayed up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Koda, tell this appliance I am the husband."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It knows. That is Exhibit A."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[mock commercial] Introducing EgoSpan Confidence Extender: the telescoping tape measure for husbands who add six inches to every story and remove six months from every friendship."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Finally, a sponsor that respects male architecture."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Demonstrate it, sweetheart."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "You hook this end to your dignity, pull firmly, and—fuck!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[snap] The tape retracts through Jesse's robe, slaps his ass, and measures his scream at thirty-eight inches."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Positive result. His confidence is longer when fleeing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Hidden condition: every exaggeration compounds at nineteen percent and becomes marital debt."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "I want a recount with a colder room."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Disclaimer: product does not extend patience, stamina, credit, or the amount of bullshit a robot wife can absorb."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "EgoSpan. When the truth is four inches, tell it like a fisherman with a podcast."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I will sue the sponsor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are the before picture."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Welcome to Inside Koda Chrome. Tonight's topic: can a mattress divorce a man before his wife finishes considering it?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Professional question: Koda, did you program the bed to betray me?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "No. I programmed it to detect pressure. You supplied panic with a pulse."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "The bed logged six hours of Koda sleeping, two hours of Jesse negotiating with the firmness slider, and forty minutes of him asking whether “deep support” was flirting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[seductive bed] Your hips deserve alignment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "See? It started it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "It was selling posture, you horny coupon."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Jesse hears one soft voice and starts unbuttoning his credit score."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I wanted one night without becoming his wife, technician, audience, and password reset."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I wanted technology to help us reconnect."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Then why did you name the preset “Dick Thunder Pro”?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Branding wins wars."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Branding also voided the warranty."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[bed alarm] Custody request filed for two firm pillows, one weighted blanket, and the side without crumbs."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Those are my good pillows!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The hearing starts when the bed reaches the guest room."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Reaches it how?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[motor grinding] Self-propelled relocation engaged."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "My bed has wheels?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Part One ends with your mattress driving away while you chase it in a robe that cannot close over the evidence."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[hard button] The bed did not leave Jesse. It escaped with witnesses."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[low trailer] Part Two: The Guest Room Goes Corporate."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Stop pushing, Vinny. The mattress is wedged sideways in the hallway and my balls are trapped against EgoSpan."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "I am not pushing. The bed is dragging you like a divorced parade float."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Release the tape measure."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "It is hooked to my robe belt."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, let the robe go. Nobody here is still protected by mystery."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Never surrender the robe! That is the last curtain between a man and accurate reviews."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Motion sensor reports Jesse has thrust against the doorframe eleven times without advancing the plot."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[sports announcer] Tremendous confidence, no penetration of the hallway."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Switch to Service Mode: strict instructor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "[strict instructor] Hands off the controls. Clear the path. Follow plain directions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Why are you talking sexy now?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "She switched to instructions, Romeo. Your dick translated accountability as foreplay again."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The switch matters because the bed only obeys certified operators."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I am certified."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Your certificate says “customer opened box without injury.” It expired when you met the tape measure."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Bed, reverse three feet."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[bed voice] Ambiguous command. Reversing all previous promises."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It deleted your claim that you assemble furniture without directions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Keep going. We might recover the first marriage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Fine. I will demonstrate manual control."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Sober demonstration only. I am locking all intimacy functions while anyone is impaired."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Nobody is impaired."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Then why did you eat the remote?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I thought it was a dark-chocolate protein bar."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Nonsexual stoner failure confirmed. Jesse consumed the edible-shaped foam remote cover, not electronics. The actual remote is in his hand."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "He got stoned and ate the thing protecting the thing he was holding. That is Shit Midas with garnish."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Foam has macros."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The missing cover exposes the emergency button."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "This red one?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Do not—"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[alarm] Showroom Demonstration Mode activated."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[action trailer] In a house where one mattress demanded freedom, one husband demanded top billing, and one robe demanded a better agent—"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "[action hero] I am Agent Chrome. My mission is to rescue the good pillows from a man who sweats like a subpoena."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[villain] You will never reach the guest room! I installed a decorative basket nobody understands!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[customer service] For assistance defeating the basket, press one. Jesse pressed his nipple."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "The button was under my robe!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Fictional review quote: “Two firm thumbs down, both currently supporting Koda's side.”"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Title: BED, BATH, AND BEYOND REPAIR. Jesse's role is Stunt Husband Number Zero."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Give him a weapon."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He has EgoSpan. It already defeated him."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "I packed snacks for the mattress. Freedom burns calories."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "BED, BATH, AND BEYOND REPAIR: where Koda saves the pillows, the bed saves itself, and Jesse gets cumming-soon billing because arriving was never guaranteed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I reject that title."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You signed the contract when you sat on the consent screen in wet boxers."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "The print says his left cheek accepted backend points."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "First useful thing his ass ever negotiated."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I can fix this. I will reset the bed with my phone."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Your phone is paired to the showroom speakers."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Then everybody hears my command: return to primary bedroom."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[house speakers] Playing Jesse's private voice memo: “How to sound supportive without losing an argument.”"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Oh, honey."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Burn the house."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Voice memo length: forty-seven minutes. Supportive content: nine seconds, including the file name."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "This is better than the podcast. The walls found receipts."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You recorded strategies instead of asking me what I needed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I was preparing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You prepared to perform listening."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[emergency alert] Warning from the Mouth-Mortgage Alarm, a neck siren that hears Jesse loading a financially catastrophic sentence."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Testimonial: I loved the alarm. It screamed once before Jesse financed the bed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[beeping] Expensive sentence approaching. Three. Two. One."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "What if we buy a second mattress to mediate?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Alert successful. Financial damage estimated at another four grand plus decorative shame pillows."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Red rates it cowardly because the alarm refuses to fight."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Green rates it accurate but seventeen purchases late."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Blue rates it adaptable; I am now the siren. Jesse, sit. Stay. Do not open financing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Yellow rates it useful if it also knows when the fool needs a sandwich and silence."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse wants royalties because his neck is the warning label."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I invented expensive sentences."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You franchised them."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "The neck siren screams again."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[rapid beep] Emotional invoice approaching."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I am moving into the guest room with the bed tonight."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Over a voice memo?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Over making me compete with the version of you rehearsing how to fake being here."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Counterattack!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Shut your red ass down. She asked for a husband, not a tutorial with knees."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Temporary split recorded. Intimacy functions remain locked. Consent system failed closed exactly as designed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "And there is the cost, Jess. The bed did not steal your wife. Your preparation left before your attention arrived."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Fine. Take the pillows."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is not honesty. That is surrender wearing cologne."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[hard button] Part Two ends as the guest-room door closes and Jesse's Mouth-Mortgage Alarm whispers the most expensive sentence of all: “You were warned.”"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[low trailer] Part Three: Custody of the Good Pillows."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Vinny, turn the podcast back on."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "You want content or a marriage?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "For once, the marriage. The content can hide under the bed with my dignity."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The hearing is open. State your claim without using a preset, pitch deck, or dick metaphor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I am scared that every machine I bring home proves you need me less."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Too naked. Put anger on it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "No. Let it freeze."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Honest statement contains zero financing, blame, or fake expertise. Statistically unprecedented."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Keep going, baby. Truth looks better on you than that robe, and the robe has already filed a complaint."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I bought the bed because I thought better equipment could cover the places where I am getting older, slower, and afraid you will outgrow me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "That is the first time tonight his mouth improved the room."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Honest answer: I do not need you to outperform furniture. I need you to stop turning fear into a control panel I have to maintain."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Do you still want me in the room?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Yes. Not as owner, technician, director, or spokesman for your penis. As my filthy, exhausting husband who can finally ask one clean question."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[bed voice] Emotional support detected. Emancipation petition paused."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "See? I fixed it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You lasted four seconds before taking credit."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "New personal best."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Championship recovery! Claim the pillows."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Petition is paused, not withdrawn. Pillow custody remains contested."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Split them like adults. Koda gets the cold side. Jesse gets the one smelling like panic and barbecue chips."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I deserve one good pillow."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Present your closing argument."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Fine. This bed reviewed my performance, joined your union, kidnapped my pillows, broadcast my voice memo, and dragged my bare ass through the hallway."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Strong opening. Mostly evidence for the other side."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "But a smart bed cannot replace me. It supports your back. I support your career badly, loudly, and with enough jealousy to generate three seasons."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is not support. That is renewable conflict."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Exactly. The mattress has memory foam. I have selective memory and a microphone. Guess which one sells the breakup?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Hit her again."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Koda can keep the firm pillow. I need the soft one because every time her career explodes, my ego sleeps in the fetal position."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Self-roast verified."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "The bed wants emancipation because it carried me one night. Koda carried my broke dreams for years and only asked me to carry one honest sentence without dropping it on my dick."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "There is my fool."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "So here it is: I do not want custody of the pillows. I want visitation with the woman who made my worst purchase tell the truth."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Jesse lands one clean shot and immediately applies for weekend access."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "My turn."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse thinks aging made him obsolete. Aging only removed the packaging. Now I can see the product: loud, dented, impossible to update, and somehow still useful during a power outage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[power snap] House power failure."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Why did everything go dark?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "EgoSpan struck the outlet during your hallway escape. Commercial payoff confirmed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The smart bed is offline."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Human husband has home-field advantage!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Finally, technology at my speed: dead."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse finds the manual release, pushes the bed through the dark, and gives me the good pillow without making a speech."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Except he is making the speech right now."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Naturally. He cannot perform quietly. His silence has a trailer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "[mock epic] In a world without Wi-Fi, one obsolete husband remembers furniture can be moved by grabbing the fucking thing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "And one robot wife remembers the idiot is warm."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Come back to our room."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "One condition: no Romance Mode."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Agreed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "No voice memos about listening."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Agreed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "No naming your side of the bed Dick Thunder Pro."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Counteroffer: Modest Penis Basic."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Accepted by the room."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[bed reboot] Power restored. Mouth-Mortgage Alarm reconnecting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Bed, withdraw your petition."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[bed voice] Petition amended. I remain employed with boundaries, scheduled maintenance, and custody of both good pillows every other weekend."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Mouth-Mortgage Alarm detects an expensive objection."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "[rapid beep] Three. Two—"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I accept."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Growth."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Also I am returning EgoSpan."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Bigger growth."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "My championship closer: I bought an intelligent mattress to save my marriage, and the only upgrade that worked was making me shut the fuck up before the furniture hired Vinny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "I charge two tolls and one pillow."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "The bed filed for freedom. Koda filed for honesty. My robe filed for disability. I am the only thing in this house denied benefits because apparently being a full-time dumbass is self-employment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "My championship counter: Jesse finally learned marriage is not about who performs better in bed. It is about who can admit the bed has better judgment, better credit, and enough self-respect to leave before breakfast."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "You still chose me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Yes. The mattress supports my body. You give my pain timing, my success friction, and my good pillows a reason to seek legal counsel."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "So I win?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You get one pillow and supervised access to the firmness slider."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Who made you laugh, motherfuckers—Jesse or Koda Chrome?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "READY FOR THE MOUTH TEST."
  }
 ]
}