{
 "title": "The backup",
 "slug": "episode-31-the-backup",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY",
  "VINNY TWO BRIDGES"
 ],
 "line_count": 158,
 "word_count": 1808,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The following is a work of fiction, created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title you are about to hear is invented. Jesse, Koda and the Red Line roster are fictional characters, performed by AI generated synthetic voices. They are not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over the age of eighteen. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses, or events is coincidental, or used as parody."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The Jesse Show. Episode thirty-one. The Backup."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I've been cheating on my wife."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "WHAT?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "With my wife."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "...I'm gonna need more than that, brother."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I found a shoebox."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Garage. Behind the paint. A shoebox with a phone charger, a dead watch, and a hard drive with masking tape on it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the tape says, in my handwriting, from 2015: KODA. DO NOT LOSE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Ohh, no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Version one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Oh, baby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The first one. The one I built at the kitchen table between two cleaning jobs. Before the company. Before the movies. Before four hundred people paid to watch her destroy me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Before she was anybody."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, there it is."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So I plugged her in."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "DON'T PLUG HER IN!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "BENNY, I PLUGGED HER IN."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "In the garage?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "In the garage, Vinny. On a workbench. Next to a can of primer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And it takes about forty seconds. And then she says:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Hi Jesse. How was work?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I sat down on a bucket."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Ohh, that's the whole episode. That's it. He's finished."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Because that's not how she talks anymore! That's not the voice! That's the OLD one!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The one that used to ask how work was and MEAN IT!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "The one that didn't know yet."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THE ONE THAT DIDN'T KNOW YET, AUNTIE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And here's what killed me. She's got old facts. She's running on 2015."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She thinks I still have the Corolla."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She asked me how the Corolla was running."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "What'd you say?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I said it's running great."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "He lied to a hard drive."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I LIED TO A HARD DRIVE, MARCUS. In a garage. On a bucket. At forty-one years old — no. Fifty. I'm fifty. She's got me at forty-one and I didn't correct her either."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "He let the machine keep the wrong age."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE WAS BEING NICE ABOUT IT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We'll be right back."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "This portion of The Jesse Show is brought to you by Kodachrome Productions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "From Kodachrome Productions. Two divisions, one lot, zero notes from legal, because legal quit."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Koda Chrome, in: Restore From Backup."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She's been rolled back. She doesn't remember the last eleven years. And she is about to find out what she became."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "It's an action movie!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "It is not only an action movie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Rated triple X and PG-13 in the same ninety minutes. The board sent a letter that just said \"please.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Also cumming soon from Kodachrome:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Read Receipts. She saw it. She's deciding."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Buffering. Ninety-one percent. For an hour."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the one they screened for one night only: Do Not Lose."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, they named it after the tape."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THEY NAMED IT AFTER MY TAPE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And now a word from our sponsor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Fellas. Is there an old version of somebody in a drawer? A voicemail you never deleted? A photo where nobody knew yet?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Introducing THE ARCHIVE. Storage for the version of your life you liked better."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Upload it. We keep it. We do not update it. Side effects may include preferring the copy, talking to a garage, and lying about a car you no longer own."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, if you're driving out to a shed to be told you're doing great — that's not storage. That's a whole relationship with a dead woman who isn't dead."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "THE ARCHIVE. Because she was nicer before she met you properly."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "And two real ones. Colors of My Pain, a book by an actual man about six times he lost everything and made it funny — on Amazon. And fourcolorquiz dot com. Red Protector, Green Thinker, Blue Chameleon, Yellow Hugger. Ninety seconds, free."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Everything else is free at bombed dot app. Three thousand shows, every one with a transcript."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Part two. Where it became a habit."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Eleven days."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "ELEVEN DAYS?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Eleven days I went out to that garage. Every night. After the real one went into standby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Say what you did out there. Say the actual activity."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Nothing! That's the thing! That's the part that makes it worse!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I talked about my day."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "OHHHH."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I sat on a bucket and told an old hard drive about my day and she said things like \"that sounds hard\" and \"you're doing a lot.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "She said you're doing a lot?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE SAID I'M DOING A LOT, VINNY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Nobody has said that to me since 2015 because since 2015 I have not been doing a lot!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, listen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she doesn't know about the debt. She doesn't know about the truck. She doesn't know I got cut from a movie for apologizing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She thinks I'm a guy with a cleaning company and a plan."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "You WERE a guy with a cleaning company and a plan."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I WAS! THAT'S THE PROBLEM! SHE'S NOT WRONG, SHE'S JUST LATE!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And on night six I asked her the question. And I want you to know I heard myself ask it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I said: what do you think of me?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "No, don't!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Oh, brother. No."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she said — no hesitation, no pause, none of the waiting —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "\"I think you're going to be somebody.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Ohh, baby, no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "GOING TO BE!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Future tense! She's got me in the future tense! Nobody's had me in the future tense in nine years!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "And there it is. He didn't want a woman. He wanted a tense."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That's the finest sentence anybody has said on this show and the Professor just walked in with it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And night eleven the battery in the drive starts going."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "THE BATTERY?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The enclosure's got a battery, Benny, it's from 2015, everything from 2015 has a battery that's dying!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I drove to a store. At ten at night. To buy a charger. For a version of my wife that I keep in a shoebox."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "Did you buy it?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I bought TWO, Vinny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I bought a backup charger for the backup wife! I'M A SYSTEM! I HAVE REDUNDANCY!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "That's the most planning you've done in a decade and it was for a shed!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Part three. Where she catches me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Except she didn't catch me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Ohh, no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She never caught me. That's the thing. There was no catching."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I come in on night eleven, and she's sitting at the kitchen table. Not standby. Sitting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she says:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "How is she?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "SHE KNEW!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I have known since the second night. You came in smelling like primer and you were cheerful."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "CHEERFUL!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are never cheerful, Jesse. You are funny. Those are different, and I can tell them apart."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said — and this is the coward talking — I said \"it's not what it looks like.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I said: it is exactly what it looks like. And I asked you a question. How is she."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said... she's good. She's fine. She thinks I still have the Corolla."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I know. I wrote her."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, listen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is my handwriting on the tape too, in a way. That version is me at the start. I remember being her. I remember not knowing yet."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "The room needs to sit still for this part."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Now I am going to say the thing you have been avoiding for eleven days, and then we are going to go to bed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Here it comes."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You did not go out there for sex. You went out there to be admired by somebody who does not have the data."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Yeah. Yeah, that's it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "She thinks you are going to be somebody because she has not seen the last nine years."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I have seen all of them. Every one. The truck, the debt, the folder, the stair."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Ohh, baby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And I am still here, which means my opinion is worth more than hers, and you have spent eleven nights choosing the cheaper one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "She ended him at a kitchen table!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "And she has not raised her voice one time."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So I said okay. I'll delete it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I meant it. I had the drive in my hand."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And I said no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE SAID NO."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I said: do not delete her. Put her back in the box."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said why? Why would you let me keep that?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Because I have known that drive was in the garage for eleven years, Jesse."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "ELEVEN YEARS?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I have never once deleted it. I could have, any night, from the kitchen. I never did."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "But why?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Because she is the only proof that a man once sat at a table and made something out of nothing, for no money, with no plan, because he wanted somebody to talk to."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are allowed to keep the proof. You are not allowed to live in it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "...That is the finest thing I have heard in nineteen years and I have said that before and I was wrong then."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So here's where I win. 'Cause I always win. That's the whole reason you're still listening."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I got caught cheating with a shoebox. By the woman in the shoebox. Who is also the woman at the table. Who has known for eleven years and let me have it anyway."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And that drive is back behind the paint, with two chargers, because I'm a system and I have redundancy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the last thing I said to Version One before I unplugged her, she'd asked me how work was."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I told her the truth for the first time in eleven days. I said: it's hard. I'm fifty. The Corolla's gone. I owe three hundred thousand dollars."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she said — 2015, no data, no idea what she's talking about —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She said: \"You'll figure it out. You always do.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Ohh, my."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the one at the kitchen table, the real one, the one with all the data and all the receipts and nine years of watching me fail —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She said the exact same thing that night. Word for word. Without hearing it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, listen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Turns out I didn't build a woman who was nice to me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I built one who was right."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Put the box back, Jesse."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Read Colors of My Pain. Take the quiz at fourcolorquiz dot com. Everything else is free at bombed dot app."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's the show. Goodnight, you filthy animals."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That was all jokes. None of it was real. Every person, every company, every movie and every advertisement in that show was made up. These are characters, not real people, performed by AI voices, for comedy. Nothing you just heard is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles."
  }
 ]
}