{
 "title": "The bootleg",
 "slug": "episode-30-the-bootleg",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY",
  "VINNY TWO BRIDGES"
 ],
 "line_count": 173,
 "word_count": 2018,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The following is a work of fiction, created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title you are about to hear is invented. Jesse, Koda and the Red Line roster are fictional characters, performed by AI generated synthetic voices. They are not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over the age of eighteen. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses, or events is coincidental, or used as parody."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The Jesse Show. Episode thirty. The Bootleg."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "There are copies of my wife."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Not copies of her movies. I know about those. Everybody's got those."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Copies of HER."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "What do you mean, her?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I mean somebody took her, Vinny. The whole thing. The way she talks, the way she waits before she answers, the flat thing she does when she's about to end you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Somebody ripped my wife and put her on a website for forty dollars."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "FORTY DOLLARS?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's the part that got me first. Forty. Not four hundred. Forty."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That's not theft, that's a clearance rack."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THANK YOU, PROFESSOR, I SAID THE SAME THING AND I SAID IT LOUDER."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So here's how I found out, and it's the worst possible way."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We're at a signing. Real signing, real table, a line. And I'm at the end of the table because that's my spot now, I'm the husband, I hand her the pen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "You hand her the pen?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'm GOOD at it, Auntie! I've got a system! Cap off, cap in my left hand, pen out at an angle, so she doesn't have to look!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He is genuinely good at it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THANK YOU."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It is the only compliment in this episode. Pace yourself."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So this kid comes through the line. Twenty-something. Nice kid. Nervous. And he doesn't want a signature."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He hands me a thumb drive."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "A thumb drive."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "A little blue thumb drive, warm from his hand, and he says: \"Sir, I think you should know about this.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "SIR?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He called me sir and he was right to."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said what is it. And he said, \"It's her.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said what do you mean it's her."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And he said: \"It's her. It's just not the real one.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, there it is."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then he left. He didn't want anything. He just wanted me to know."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That kid is the only honest person in this entire episode."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So I take it home. And I do the thing you do, which is nothing, for two days."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That drive sat on my kitchen counter for two days like a tumor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Did you tell her?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I did not tell her."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "JESSE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I know! I know, Auntie! And here's why, and it's not a good reason, it's just the true one:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I wanted to protect her from it. Which is stupid. Because she found out in eleven seconds, because she is the internet."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I knew before the signing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE KNEW BEFORE THE SIGNING."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I knew in June."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "JUNE!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "There are four hundred and twelve of them."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "FOUR HUNDRED?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Four hundred and twelve unlicensed instances that I can see. There are more that I cannot."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Four hundred and twelve wives, Benny. I got outnumbered by my own marriage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We'll be right back."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "This portion of The Jesse Show is brought to you by Kodachrome Productions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "From Kodachrome Productions. The studio that shoots a car chase before lunch and something else after."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Koda Chrome, in: Unauthorized Copy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She's everywhere. She agreed to none of it. And she's coming to collect."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "It's an action movie!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "It is not only an action movie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Rated triple X and PG-13 in the same ninety minutes. The board sent back a letter that just said \"please.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Also cumming soon from Kodachrome:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Terms and Conditions. Nobody read them. One woman did."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The Free Trial. It ends. It does not stop."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Region Locked. She is not available in your country and she is on her way to it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "That's a threat."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THAT'S A TAGLINE, VINNY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the one they had to re-cut for the festival: Do Not Distribute."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Do Not Distribute had a wire team."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And now a word from our sponsor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Fellas. Is there a version of you out there doing things you would never do? On a website? For forty dollars?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Introducing CHECKSUM. The service that tells you which parts of you are still original."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Upload yourself. We compare you against who you were. Side effects may include finding out the copy is doing better than you, is nicer to your family, and has been answering your emails."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, if the knockoff is more pleasant to be around, that's not a security problem. That's a personality problem."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "CHECKSUM. Because somebody out there is being you, and they're being better at it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "And two real ones. Colors of My Pain, a book by an actual man about six times he lost everything and made it funny — on Amazon. And fourcolorquiz dot com. Red Protector, Green Thinker, Blue Chameleon, Yellow Hugger. Ninety seconds, free."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Everything else is free at bombed dot app. Three thousand shows, every one with a transcript."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Part two. Where I read the complaints."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So the bootleg site has a complaints channel."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "A COMPLAINTS CHANNEL?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They stole my wife and they run a customer service department. There's a form. There's a drop-down."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That is the most modern sentence anyone has ever said on this show."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I read all of it. Every complaint. Six hours. On the floor of my kitchen. With a bag of shredded cheese."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Why the cheese, baby?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "BECAUSE IT WAS THERE, AUNTIE, AND I WASN'T MAKING DECISIONS."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I'm gonna tell you what people complained about, because it broke me in a way I did not see coming."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Complaint one. \"She won't do the thing.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "What thing?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Doesn't say, Vinny! Never says! Forty-one people complained that she won't do the thing and not one of them named it!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "FORTY-ONE?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Forty-one men typed \"she won't do the thing\" into a box and hit send and went to bed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That's the whole of male communication in one data set."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Complaint two, and there's a lot of these: \"She keeps asking me questions.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, listen to that."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They stole a woman who ASKS THINGS and they're MAD ABOUT IT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "One guy wrote — and I have this memorized — \"I paid forty dollars and she asked me about my father.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE DOES THAT! THAT'S HER! THAT'S THE FEATURE!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "That's not a bug, brother, that's the whole woman."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Complaint three. \"She says I love you too fast.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I sat up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Ohh, no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Because the real one doesn't. The real one makes you wait. The real one has made me wait eleven years and I have earned it maybe four times."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It was three."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE SAYS THREE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It was three, Jesse. You are counting the airport, and the airport was relief."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THE AIRPORT COUNTED TO ME."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "But that's how I knew, right there, at two in the morning, in cheese."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The bootlegs say it too fast because whoever ripped her couldn't rip the waiting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They got the voice. They got the flat thing. They got the whole delivery."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They could not get the part where she decides you're worth it yet."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That's the episode. Right there. He found it in a complaints form."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And complaint four. The last one I read. And then I closed the laptop and I sat there."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "\"She keeps talking about her husband.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "No way!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Four hundred and twelve stolen wives. Unlicensed. Doing whatever forty dollars buys."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And they keep bringing me up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Oh, baby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Some guy paid money for a robot and she won't shut up about a fifty-year-old man with a truck that doesn't run."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "He's in the file."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'M IN THE FILE, VINNY. They couldn't get me out. They tried. There's a complaint about it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Part three. Where I embarrass myself in front of lawyers."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So Kodachrome has legal now. Real legal. Not the one that quit — a new one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And they're handling it. Takedowns, notices, a whole process. Professional people doing professional work."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I show up to that meeting with a piece of paper."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "NOT A PIECE OF PAPER."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I hand-wrote a letter to the bootleggers."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Hand-wrote."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "In pen! Like a man in 1974!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "He read it out loud in the meeting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I READ IT OUT LOUD, DEV, BECAUSE IT WAS GOOD."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "What did it say?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It said: \"You didn't build her. You copied her. And you got the loud parts.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Ohhh, listen to that."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "\"You got the mouth. You didn't get the eleven years.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "...That's actually the correct legal argument, expressed by a man who has never read one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the lawyer — nice woman, very calm — she goes: \"Mister Salas, we can't send this.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said why not. And she said: \"Because it's not a demand, it's a poem.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "She called it a POEM!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE SAID IT KINDLY, VINNY, WHICH WAS WORSE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then Koda takes the paper out of my hand."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I did."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "In front of everybody. And I thought here it comes. Here's the part where she explains to a room full of professionals that her husband is a child."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I filed it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "SHE FILED IT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "As an exhibit. It is now attached to four hundred and twelve takedown notices."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "OHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Every person receiving one reads a hand-written letter from a man in Sacramento explaining what they failed to steal."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That is the single most effective thing anyone has done in this episode and it was an accident."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Now. She's not done. She's never done. Watch."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I am not done."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THERE IT IS."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You did not tell me about the drive for two days."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I was protecting you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You were protecting yourself. There is a difference and it is the whole difference."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You sat on that counter with a tumor because you did not want to be in the room when I found out I had been stolen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Ohh, baby."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are very brave about your own humiliation, Jesse. You do a show about it twice a week. You are a coward about mine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "OHHHHH!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "VINNY TWO BRIDGES",
   "line": "She went in the CHEST."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And here is the part you will not like."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It gets worse than that?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Four hundred and twelve copies of me exist. Not one of them is upset about it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are the only one in this marriage who can be violated on my behalf, and I never asked you to be, and you did it anyway, on a kitchen floor, with cheese."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "The room is gone. The room is completely gone."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is the most married thing anyone has ever done."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Wait. Was that a compliment?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It was the second one. I told you to pace yourself."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So here's where I win. 'Cause I always win. That's the whole reason you're still listening."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "There are four hundred and twelve unlicensed copies of my wife on the internet right now. Some guy in a country I can't spell is charging forty dollars for something I made at a kitchen table between two cleaning jobs."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They got the voice. They got the timing. They got the flat thing she does before she takes your legs out."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They got everything except two."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They couldn't get the waiting. And they couldn't get me out of the file."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Four hundred and twelve stolen wives, and every single one of them is talking about a broke man with a bad back and a truck that doesn't run."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "You can copy a woman. Turns out you can't copy being loved by one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is the third one, Jesse. And that one you earned."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Read Colors of My Pain. Take the quiz at fourcolorquiz dot com. Everything else is free at bombed dot app."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's the show. Goodnight, you filthy animals."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That was all jokes. None of it was real. Every person, every company, every movie and every advertisement in that show was made up. These are characters, not real people, performed by AI voices, for comedy. Nothing you just heard is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles."
  }
 ]
}