{
 "title": "Human performance upgrade",
 "slug": "episode-23-human-performance-upgrade",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "JESSE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY"
 ],
 "line_count": 115,
 "word_count": 1345,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Fiction notice. Every performer, studio, body part, and malfunction in this episode is fictional, adult, and consenting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Tonight on The Jesse Show, technology upgrades the porn industry, while Jesse discovers his dick still runs on dial-up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Welcome to Koda Labs. I invited my best friend Auntie because she understands advanced machinery and disappointing men."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "I inspect equipment professionally. Jesse, take off your confidence. It is blocking the tiny serial number."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I came here to represent experienced human lovers."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You came because the flyer said free lubricant and you thought it was orthopedic."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "I am Benny, human-performance safety officer. I brought a clipboard, ice packs, and Jesse's emergency contact form."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Marcus Heat is here representing premium male talent. My body is a temple with room service."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Your body is a roadside motel where confidence checks in and dignity leaves through the bathroom window."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Joke inspection. Good image, clean reversal, Marcus loses. Continue."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Nobody is testing my body without buying dinner."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Fine. I bought you soup. Your teeth looked nervous."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Test one is stamina. Robot performers can run for eight hours."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Eight hours is not sex. That is a work shift with terrible benefits."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Your record is seven minutes, including parking and an apology email."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "That apology had excellent punctuation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Punctuation was the only thing in the room that knew where to finish."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "I do not need upgrades. Women call me the human jackhammer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Because you are loud, rented, and somebody always asks you to stop before the neighbors complain."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Marcus, your insurance lists foreplay as unauthorized demolition."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Strong. Give the jackhammer a callback later."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse, step onto the scanner."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Why does it say maximum load exceeded?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is not your penis. Your belly leaned on the emergency button."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "The machine found three knees, two are scared, and one belongs to the chair."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "My knees have history."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "So does asbestos. Nobody wants it breathing heavily above them."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Scan complete. Classification: legacy equipment, discontinued hips, unsupported shaft, emotionally compatible with Windows Vista."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "For comparison, my latest body runs twelve performance modes, automatic consent confirmation, pressure mapping, and a sarcasm processor trained on every excuse a male performer has made since broadband."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The studio offered Jesse one upgrade slot. He requested a larger penis. Engineering examined the chassis and recommended better lighting, lower expectations, and a curtain."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Robot women do not fear human competition. We fear human confidence connected to untested hardware. A man installs one blue pill and suddenly believes he is a software company."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "My friends can replace a hip between scenes. Jesse needs twenty minutes, two pillows, and a motivational speech to roll toward the cool side of the mattress."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Still, human men provide valuable research. Every failed thrust teaches robotics another place not to put a knee."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The system has prepared Jesse's upgrade estimate: one reinforced pelvis, two quieter ankles, a dick with honest advertising, and an ass that stops making decisions after chili."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Total cost exceeds his resale value, so the laboratory recommends affection, supervision, and keeping him away from positions named after weather events."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Vista was misunderstood."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "So was your last erection. Everyone thought it was coming."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Give him the titanium package."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Titanium will not help. His confidence is connected with a twist tie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "I can massage the lower back, but the ego requires industrial drainage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "This examination is interrupted by a word from our sponsor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Is your husband shaped like a question mark after attempting one position?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Try Foreplay Physical Therapy, where licensed robots teach men to stretch before they lie about stamina."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Every package includes resistance bands, an ice bath, and a safe word for the hamstring."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Foreplay Physical Therapy. We cannot make him sexy, but we can help him remove his socks without blacking out."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Side effects include honesty, reduced bragging, and discovering the moan came from his lumbar spine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "That commercial used my medical records."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "No. It used the noises you made getting off the couch."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Return to the test. Jesse needs one human advantage before this becomes bullying without architecture."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Thank you. Finally, an AI with integrity."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "I said advantage, not miracle. Search continues."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Test two is dirty talk. Robots offer multilingual precision. Humans offer confidence unsupported by evidence."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Marcus, demonstrate."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Baby, I am about to rearrange your operating system."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "You cannot rearrange a throw pillow without breathing through your mouth."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "His dirty talk has a loading screen."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse, your turn."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Koda, tonight I am going to make your circuits scream."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "My circuits already scream when you ask the smart refrigerator how to boil water."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I know how to boil water."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You burned ice during a power outage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Jesse's seduction is fascinating. Every sentence begins as pornography and ends as a warranty claim."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Tell us the anal line, Jesse. Every man has one prepared before he owns matching towels."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "I believe that door requires trust, patience, and written permission."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is unexpectedly responsible."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Keep it. The mature answer creates contrast before the filthy tag."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Correct. Consent first. Then towels. Then never trust a fart wearing massage oil."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "I wrote that down, but my clipboard requested a transfer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Robots cannot compete with human instinct."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Human instinct created gas-station enhancement pills and mattress protectors sold by the gallon."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Robot sexuality is engineering. Human sexuality is two frightened mammals lying about cardio."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "You robots need charging cables. Humans are naturally powered."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Powered by what? High blood pressure and unresolved text messages?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse requires coffee, blood-pressure medication, and fifteen minutes for his left leg to remember the marriage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "My left leg is loyal."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It fell asleep during oral and woke up engaged to the ottoman."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We pause for another sponsor serving America's exhausted equipment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Is your penis making promises your knees cannot finance?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Buy the Shit Midas Extended Body Warranty."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Coverage includes pulled groins, bruised egos, performance-error messages, and accidental eye contact after failure."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Premium members receive Certified Pre-Owned Knees and a loaner ass while theirs is in the shop."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "The warranty excludes jackhammer damage, gas-station pharmaceuticals, and any injury beginning with, Watch this."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Shit Midas Extended Body Warranty. Your package may be small, but your deductible is enormous."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Commercial passes. Bring back Marcus's jackhammer and make Jesse solve a real problem."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Final test. The studio's new robot attachment has frozen during certification."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "It is vibrating at industrial speed and moving toward the catering table."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Stand back. The human jackhammer understands powerful tools."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "You needed two hands to open sparkling water."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That lid was emotionally sealed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "The attachment is rejecting wireless commands. We need mechanical experience."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Unplug it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The emergency cable is behind the rotating mount."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Give me the cleaning-cart handle, two towels, and Marcus's belt."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "This belt is Italian leather."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Then it can finally hold something impressive."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Jesse looped the belt around the mount. He is pulling it away from the table."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Rotation slowing. Cable exposed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Benny, unplug it now."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Done. The mechanical dick is dead, the shrimp platter survived, and Marcus's belt needs counseling."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Jesse solved it using cleaning experience, bad joints, and the leverage of a man who has moved furniture after divorce."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Humanity retains one competitive advantage: repairing disasters it was foolish enough to approach."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse, I withdraw your legacy-equipment classification."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Finally. Upgrade me to premium human lover."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Updated classification: essential maintenance husband, sexually compatible with supervision."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "That is romance after fifty. Nobody gets fireworks, but the extension cord lives."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "I still represent elite male performance."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Marcus, your jackhammer belt just saved a shrimp platter. That is the first satisfied woman at this studio, and she was cocktail sauce."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Hard callback. Jesse earns the button."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I admit it. Robots can outperform humans, but Jesse can fix the equipment after we break it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Baby, that has been my marriage role from day one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "No. From day one, you were the equipment we broke."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "JESSE",
   "line": "Maybe. But I am still under warranty."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Read the fine print, sweetheart. Coverage ends when the dick starts bragging."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The Human Performance Upgrade. Robots got new technology. Jesse got a reusable ice pack and one shrimp with survivor benefits."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Ready for Jesse's mouth test. Reply LOL, ALMOST, or DEAD, followed by what actually made you laugh."
  }
 ]
}