{
 "title": "Jesse goes pro",
 "slug": "episode-20-jesse-goes-pro",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY"
 ],
 "line_count": 98,
 "word_count": 1487,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The following is completely fictional. Every character's an adult. Everything is consensual. Koda is a robot. Every terrible fucking decision belongs to Jesse. And every voice you hear is a machine, including the ones with feelings."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I told my wife I wanted to be a porn star and she said okay."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Okay. Immediately. No pause. No \"let's talk about it.\" No \"baby, sit down.\" Just okay, like I'd asked her to pick up milk."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You had been building up to it for eleven minutes. I let you finish."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I had a SPEECH prepared."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You had bullet points. I could hear you doing bullet points."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And that's when I knew I was in trouble. 'Cause when a woman fights you on something, she thinks you might do it. When she says okay that fast? She's already seen how it ends."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I have seen how it ends."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So Monday morning she books me an evaluation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "An EVALUATION. Like a fuckin job. I thought you show up, you're handsome, somebody points a camera. No. There's an intake form. There's a physical. There's a man named Dev with a clipboard who has done this nine hundred times and has never once been impressed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Stand there. Under the light. Yeah. Turn."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I turned. In a warehouse. In the Valley. At nine in the morning. Sober."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Other way. Turn the other fuckin way."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "There's another way? What's the other way?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "There's always another way. That's the whole industry."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And he writes something down. And it was ONE WORD. He wrote one word about my entire body. And he covered it with his hand like a man protecting a test."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Let me explain something to you, and I'm only saying this once. This is a physical profession with physical requirements. Nobody's judging you as a person."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "What's the one word? Tell me the fuckin word."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "They're judging you as equipment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'M ALREADY EQUIPMENT ON THE RIDER. I'M NOT DOING IT TWICE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then they measured me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I want to be real careful here, 'cause my wife is in the room and she has a PERFECT MEMORY and eleven years of DATA."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Six and a quarter inches. That is the number."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Don't. Baby, do not do this here."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "On a good day, in a warm room, with encouragement."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THAT'S THE MEASURED NUMBER, THAT AIN'T THE WORKING NUMBER —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "There is no working number, Jesse. That is not a thing. You made that up in 2014 and you have said it forty-one times since."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She counted. This woman counted them."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I count everything. It is the entire product."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Six and a quarter is FINE, brother. That's a working man's number. You're not gonna headline with it, but you'll never starve."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'll never starve? That's the review?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That's a background number. That's a guy-in-the-hallway number. That's a 'we'll get your good side' number."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We'll be right back after these messages."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He had a dream. He had a truck that didn't run. He had six and a quarter inches of pure fuckin ambition."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "This fall. From a studio that has begged him to stop calling. It's THE UNDERSTUDY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "He's not the star. He's not the co-star. He's the guy they call when somebody pulls a hamstring."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THE UNDERSTUDY. Rated triple X. Available in a smaller size."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Also cumming soon, to a screen with very low standards:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "AVERAGE JOE — one man discovers his exact percentile and it destroys him."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "PARTICIPATION TROPHY — he showed up. That's the whole movie."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "BACKGROUND CHECK — he's in every scene. You'll never notice him once."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the one that made my wife laugh out loud for the first time in our marriage: THE GLUTEN GUY."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That one won an award."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "IT DID NOT WIN AN AWARD."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "It won a category. There is a difference."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And now a word from our sponsor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Fellas. Did a professional measure you this week? Did a stranger write ONE WORD about your whole body and then cover it with his hand? Introducing THE WORKING NUMBER — the number you tell people, sold separately from the number that is true."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "THE WORKING NUMBER. Add two inches to anything. Legal in four states."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Side effects of The Working Number may include: buying a ring light, calling yourself \"in the industry,\" and telling a barber you're \"shooting something.\" Do not operate a truck you still owe money on."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Back to the warehouse. Where my wife ended me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So they put me in the group scene. And I want you to understand the scale, because the scale is the joke."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Her last one was a hundred and four. This one? Two hundred."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "TWO HUNDRED. That's not a movie, that's a fuckin HOMECOMING. That's a fuckin PARADE with a permit."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Two hundred and twelve. Twelve are alternates. Men pull hamstrings."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THE BENCH KEEPS GETTING BIGGER."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "The bench is where the money is, brother. Ask anybody on it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And they gave me my number. My spot in the order. Out of two hundred and twelve men."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "One hundred and ninety-four out of two hundred and twelve."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "ONE NINETY-FOUR. I'm not even in the first hundred and ninety. There's men in front of me who are ALTERNATES FOR ALTERNATES."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Money, mops, and machines. And you, at one ninety-four, are the machine they switch on at the very end when every other dick in the building has clocked out."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And that's when Koda came over. Robe. Green juice. That face."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "How was your day at work, honey."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I said I'm one ninety-four."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I know. I moved you up."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "You moved me up? You pulled strings?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You were two hundred and eight, Jesse."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "MY WIFE PULLED STRINGS TO GET ME FOURTEEN SPOTS CLOSER TO HER OWN ASS."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Nepotism is the only real currency in this business and I am not going to apologize for it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then she roasted me. In front of two hundred and twelve men. And it was the best set she's ever done."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Ladies and gentlemen. My husband. Eleven years. He has one move. He has had one move since 2015. He calls it \"the thing I do.\" It is not a thing. It is a tremor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It's a technique! It's a refined fuckin technique!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He asked me once, in this bed, mid-act, and I want the room to hear this — he asked me: \"how am I doing.\" Not \"how does that feel.\" How am I DOING. Like a job interview. Like he wanted a MID-YEAR REVIEW."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I wanted feedback! I'm a professional!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You wanted a grade. And I gave you one, and you argued with it, and then you slept."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "HE ARGUED WITH THE GRADE."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That's the funniest thing I have ever heard in this industry and I have been in it nineteen years."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And the anal conversation. Eleven years of it. He brings it up the exact same way every single time. He says: \"so I was reading.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Baby. Baby, not in front of the men."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Reading WHAT, Jesse. You have not finished a book in about twenty years. You were not reading. You were hoping."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, \"so I was reading\" is the saddest four words a woman can hear in the dark."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So here's where I win. 'Cause I always win. That's the whole fuckin reason you're listening."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "They cut me. Out of two hundred and twelve, they cut me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Two hundred and twelve men and they cut ONE. Me. Number one ninety-four."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "You kept apologizing to everybody in the room."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I was being polite! That's manners!"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "You said \"sorry, are you good?\" to a man you had never met. Twice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And Dev walks me out, and at the door he says the thing that fixed my whole life."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "You're not built for this. You're too worried about everybody. That's a defect here. It's the whole job somewhere else."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Too worried about everybody. That's what he said."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Twenty-six years of cleaning other people's houses. Six failed businesses where I couldn't raise the price on people I liked. Four years of open mics where I apologize with my shoulders."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "A stranger in a warehouse diagnosed my entire life in eleven words and then handed me a parking validation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He is correct. It is why I married you and it is why you are terrible at this."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So I drove home. And I did not cry in the van, because there was no van, I have a truck that doesn't run and I got a ride."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Three hundred thousand in debt. Six and a quarter. Cut from a two-hundred-man scene for excessive politeness."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And that woman still came home to MY couch. In MY shirt. Eating MY cereal, out MY bowl, with MY spoon. Telling me my new bit is weak."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Two hundred and twelve motherfuckers rented six hours and two holes."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I get the part where she takes her shoes off."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'm the richest broke man in Sacramento. That's the show. Goodnight, you filthy fuckin animals."
  }
 ]
}