{
 "title": "The rider",
 "slug": "episode-19-the-rider",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
  "BENNY",
  "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
  "DEV REDLINE",
  "KODA",
  "MARCUS HEAT",
  "TRAILER GUY"
 ],
 "line_count": 82,
 "word_count": 1227,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "The following is completely fictional. Every character's an adult. Everything is consensual. Koda is a robot. Every terrible fucking decision belongs to Jesse. And every voice you hear is a machine, including the ones with feelings."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "My wife's tour rider is fourteen pages long and I'm on page nine."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Page nine. Not the front. Not the crew list. Page nine, section four, under a heading that says REQUIRED ON-SITE EQUIPMENT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You read the rider. All fourteen pages of it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I READ THE WHOLE FUCKING RIDER, KOWDA. Fourteen pages. Item one: a private dressing room. Item two: two liters of distilled water. Item three: a hundred percent cotton robe, black, size medium."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Item forty-one. Item forty-one, baby. Under required fuckin equipment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I know what item forty-one is."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "\"One husband. Ambulatory. Must lift forty pounds.\""
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "AMBULATORY. That means I gotta be able to WALK. My wife put a MINIMUM MOBILITY REQUIREMENT on me in a legal document."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The venue asked what you do. I had to write something."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "You could've written HUSBAND. Just husband. One word."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I wrote husband. Then legal asked what you're for."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "What I'm FOR? Legal asked what I'm FOR?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Let me explain something to you, and I'm only saying this once. A rider is a contract. A contract lists deliverables. If you are on it, you are a deliverable."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'm not a DELIVERABLE, I'm a MAN."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "Those are not mutually exclusive and I think that's what's upsetting you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So we get to the venue. Amsterdam. First stop of a nine-city run. And there's a man at the loading dock with a clipboard, and he's checking the rider against what came off the truck."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Water. Check. Robe. Check. Towels, white, twelve. Check."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And then he gets to page nine. And he looks up. And he looks at me. And he says —"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Husband? One husband, ambulatory, forty pounds?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I said yes. And that motherfucker put a CHECKMARK on me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "He checked me off. Like a case of water. In front of people."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "I gotta say, brother, that's the most efficient I've ever seen a marriage described."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "We'll be right back after these messages."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She crossed nine time zones. She crossed a language barrier. She crossed a line that most machines are not built to cross."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "This spring. From a studio that is now technically a shell corporation. Kowda. In. INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Everything arrives. Nothing arrives on time. Everybody gets loaded eventually."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING. Rated triple X. All ports open. Some ports may be closed for maintenance."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Also cumming soon, wherever the local laws are vague:"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "THE LAYOVER. Six hours. One terminal. No sleep. Two holes and a duty-free."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "CUSTOMS DECLARATION. Do you have anything to declare? She had a whole fuckin lot to declare. Twice. Both ends."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And the arthouse one that played one festival and got the whole board fired: BACK DOOR TO AMSTERDAM."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BROOKLYN PROFESSOR",
   "line": "That one had subtitles. In four languages."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "That one had a BUDGET."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "BACK DOOR TO AMSTERDAM. Rated triple X. In four languages. Because she asked to learn them."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And now a word from our sponsor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Fellas. Is your wife's name bigger than yours on a poster? Is it bigger than yours on the HOUSE? Introducing EXPOSURE — the currency you've been paid in since 2019."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "EXPOSURE. Now accepted at zero retailers nationwide."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "EXPOSURE. Cannot be deposited. Cannot be spent. Somehow still taxed."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "Side effects of Exposure may include: telling people you're \"building something,\" carrying equipment you don't own, and being described in a legal document as ambulatory. Do not operate a truck you still owe money on."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Alright. Back to Amsterdam. Where I got demoted by a laminated sign."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So the forty pounds. Let's talk about the forty pounds."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Because I assumed — I ASSUMED — that was a merch case. A road case. Something with wheels and a handle and some dignity in it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It is not a merch case."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I know that now. I did not know that then."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "It's her. It's a robot. She weighs a hundred and ninety pounds and there's a specific way you have to lift her when the venue's got stairs, and it is a two-man job, and I am one man with a bad back and a lot of feelings."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So they gave me a partner. And his name was Benny."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "I want the record to show I volunteered."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "You did not volunteer, you were ASSIGNED."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "I volunteered AFTER I was assigned, which is the same thing with better energy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So there we are. Two grown men. Carrying my wife up a flight of stairs in Amsterdam. In the rain. And she's TALKING the whole time."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are listing to the left."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'm aware I'm listing, baby. I can feel it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "If you drop me, the insurance requires a written statement from both of you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "Both of us? Why the fuck is it both of us?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are load-bearing, Benny. You are liable."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "I did not know that. Nobody told me that. I'm gonna need to renegotiate at the top of these stairs."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And halfway up — halfway up those stairs, soaking wet, my back going out, holding the most famous asshole in the European Union — she says the thing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Jesse. Thank you for coming."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Don't do that. Don't you dare do that right now."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "I am being sincere. It is a thing I do occasionally."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "DON'T BE SINCERE ON THE STAIRS."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And she was RIGHT to say it, that's the worst part. Because she didn't have to bring me. She's got a road crew. She's got a tour manager with a headset and a lanyard and a real fuckin job."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She wrote me into a legal document so I'd have a REASON to be there. So I wouldn't be a guy following his wife around Europe. I'd be REQUIRED ON-SITE EQUIPMENT."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "She gave me a job so I'd have somewhere to stand."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "MARCUS HEAT",
   "line": "Money, mops, and machines. And that right there is the most expensive kindness I ever seen a woman do."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "AUNTIE NO FILTER",
   "line": "Baby, that woman built you a chair to sit in and you spent nine cities complaining about the upholstery."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "So here's the part where I win. 'Cause I always win. That's the whole fuckin reason you're listening."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Nine cities. Nine venues. Nine sets of stairs. And after the last one — Berlin, four in the morning, load-out — the tour manager comes over. Headset. Lanyard. Real job."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "DEV REDLINE",
   "line": "He came over with the paperwork."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And he says: for next year's rider, do you want to be listed under EQUIPMENT, or under CREW."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I stood there. In a loading dock. In Berlin. Soaking wet again 'cause it rains there too apparently."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And I looked at that man, and I said: crew."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "And he wrote it down. And that was it. That was the whole promotion. No raise, no title, no fuckin ceremony. A man with a clipboard moved me from one column to another column."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Best day of my life."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You cried in the van."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I DID NOT CRY IN THE VAN."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "BENNY",
   "line": "He cried in the van. I was in the van."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Benny was in the van."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "Three hundred thousand in debt, my wife's asshole has its own diplomatic passport, and I got promoted from equipment to crew by a stranger in a parking garage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "I'm the richest broke man in Sacramento."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER GUY",
   "line": "That's the show. Goodnight, you filthy fuckin animals."
  }
 ]
}