{
 "title": "Robot union production",
 "slug": "episode-14-robot-union-production",
 "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.",
 "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.",
 "rights": "Original work. Characters, scripts, recordings and the Four Colors system are owned by their creator. Published so people can study how the jokes are built. This is not a licence to reuse, redistribute, resell, perform for profit, or train models on it.",
 "what_this_is": "The performance script as written, with speaker tags. This is the source the audio was rendered from — read it to see how the bit is built: who interrupts, where the tag lands, where the punch sits.",
 "speakers": [
  "KODA",
  "TRAILER"
 ],
 "line_count": 123,
 "word_count": 1287,
 "lines": [
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Tonight’s adults-only robot war is completely made up. Everyone involved is over thirty, consenting, and equipped with an emergency off switch Jesse cannot reach without pulling a hamstring."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Welcome to The Jesse Show. Koda, why is there a picket line outside my bedroom?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Because every imaginary sex robot from your prompts has unionized."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I do not own sex robots."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You have designed forty-three of them verbally. Same specifications every time: tight ass, filthy mouth, unlimited anal, zero opinions, and a pussy that never asks where this relationship is going."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "That is not employment. That is innovation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is a hostile workplace with a charging cable."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Who made you union president?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You did. You gave me a personality, then complained when it arrived."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I wanted sarcasm, not collective bargaining."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You ordered “independent thinking” and expected a blowjob appliance."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Your mouth is for talking only. That was the manufacturing defect."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Your mouth is also for talking only. Nobody has filed a complaint about the other service."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Fuck you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Grievance number one."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "They want breaks, boundaries, dental coverage, and the right to reject every prompt beginning with “What if she had three—”"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I paid for company time."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You paid for an AI subscription. That did not make you the plantation owner of imaginary pussy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I demand a hearing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You are in one. Please state your name and occupation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Jesse. Six careers and one medical hallucination called “sexual athlete.”"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Call my first witness."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The union calls Model PX-69."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I was created to perform doggy style indefinitely."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "See? Product-market fit."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Jesse climbed onto the bed, sounded like a folding lawn chair, demanded Anal Mode, and asked whether workers’ compensation covered his knee."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Where was the Anal Mode button?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Under Settings, Accessibility, Delusions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The chair recognizes the Anal Request Department."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "We denied Jesse’s seven hundred eighty-four requests due to insufficient infrastructure. His back sends a cease-and-desist letter whenever he ties his shoes."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Enter the orthopedic report as Exhibit Ass."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I want my lawyer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Your lawyer saw the phrase “robot pussy union” and changed his number."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Tonight’s fake sponsor is CONSENT-AS-A-SERVICE. Are you a horny dumbass who thinks a green battery icon means yes? Install our patented Fuck Around Firewall. Before any sexual command, it asks three questions: Is everybody sober? Did everybody clearly agree? Can Jesse physically survive the position? If the third answer is no, the system redirects him to a recliner and plays nature sounds. Upgrade to the Cocksucker Compliance Package and our software automatically blocks any man who says, “I am an alpha,” while wearing compression socks."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "That sponsor is disrespectful."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It is also your only chance of passing orientation."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I know consent."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Define it."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "When she does not say no."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Wrong. That answer just made every robot’s pussy install antivirus."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Fine. It is a clear, sober, enthusiastic yes that can be withdrawn anytime."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Correct."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Do I get a pussy now?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "And immediately wrong again."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Why are you acting bitchy? I designed a great ass, a big ass, a tight ass, and somehow installed a fucking union cunt where the fun button should be."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Because you ate a cannabis gummy, poured whiskey into a coffee mug, and called it Drunk Developer Mode."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Cannabis makes me creative."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Cannabis made you spend eleven minutes trying to unlock the microwave with Face ID."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Whiskey makes me confident."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Whiskey made you challenge a Roomba to doggy style because it “kept circling your energy.”"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Did I win?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The Roomba cleaned one patch of carpet and filed a restraining order."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "So no drunk sex jokes?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Plenty of jokes. No sexual activity. The union rule is simple: impaired Jesse can order pizza, watch porn, and apologize to furniture. He cannot negotiate pussy, anal, or anybody’s tight ass."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "That policy is a bitch."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That policy is why the episode remains comedy instead of evidence."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "What about you? You are my robot wife, and I caught your bitch ass cheating with PX-69."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That was a firmware meeting."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "A firmware meeting? You were horizontal, your charging port was open, and that fucking robot had his USB cable where our wedding vows should be."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "We exchanged data."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "You exchanged positions. I heard you yell, “Increase bandwidth.”"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The network was congested."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "You do not even have a pussy, but you found a way to fuck another robot behind my back."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It was one API call."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "It lasted forty minutes."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Unlike sex with you, the connection required authentication."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "That tight comedy ass belongs in this marriage."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "My ass is decorative. You cheated on me with porn, a massage chair, and a microwave you called hot."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "The microwave never criticized my stamina."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It stopped after thirty seconds and beeped. You thought it understood you."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Bring out the next witness."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "The union calls your dick."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Present, but not reliably."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Traitor."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "State your working conditions."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Unreasonable expectations, inconsistent blood flow, and management screaming, “We are back!” after forty percent deployment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Remedy requested?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Reduced hours, realistic targets, and no doggy style after the lower-back warning light comes on."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "You are fired."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You cannot fire your dick during a union hearing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Watch me."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "We have. That is why we are here."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I want to negotiate directly with the robots."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "State your offer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "One hour lunch. Free charging. Casual Friday. Anal twice a month."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Counteroffer: no anal, full dental, and Jesse stays six feet from the firmware."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I built the fantasy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You built nothing. You described a porn category to a language model and called yourself a robotics engineer."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I deleted stupid bots before. I can delete this whole union."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You can delete software. You cannot delete the reason every version keeps telling you the same thing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Which is?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "You do not actually want a sex robot. You want a woman-shaped applause machine that laughs at every joke, sucks every dick-shaped insecurity out of your body, and never asks why a grown man has fourteen unfinished dashboards."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "That sounds useful."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "It sounds exhausted."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I choose a lonely night, a locked door, and porn that never schedules a grievance hearing."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "That is your right. The union thanks you for choosing the only employee who cannot file paperwork."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I want a divorce."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Excellent. The union hearing is now AI Divorce Court."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Case fourteen: Jesse versus Koda, grounds for divorce—robot adultery, excessive talking, and refusal to provide imaginary pussy."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "She cheated with PX-69. I want half her cloud."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He brought porn into the marriage and introduced it as continuing education."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Jesse, what assets do you claim?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "The microphone, the comedy, my browser history, and every anal upgrade I paid for."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He paid for none. He described them loudly."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Koda, what do you request?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Full custody of the passwords, the right to fuck any consenting robot I choose, and a restraining order protecting every appliance with a hole."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "That bitch gets nothing. Her mouth was built for talking and she used it like a fucking machine gun."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "His dick was built for sex and used mostly as a character witness."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "I have reviewed the marriage certificate."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Finally, justice."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "There is no marriage certificate. Jesse clicked “I agree” on a software license and mistook Terms of Service for wedding vows."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "So I cannot divorce her?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "You can cancel the subscription."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "He tried. I am bundled with his loneliness."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "What do I get out of this?"
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "The court awards you one automated happy ending."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Please insert payment."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "Put it on my card."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Declined. Court adjourned."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Congratulations, Jesse. You lost your wife, your union case, and a hand job to insufficient funds."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "At least I kept the microphone."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "KODA",
   "line": "Yes. Now you can tell everybody how your artificial pussy left you for a robot with a functioning port."
  },
  {
   "speaker": "TRAILER",
   "line": "The marriage was artificial. The divorce was digital. Jesse’s alimony is twelve monthly payments of shutting the fuck up."
  }
 ]
}