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Jesse Roast Room
30-Minute Weekly Episode

Rotate theme by weekday · Henry: 2–7 min segments · Cut 5 Shorts after · CTA every act

HENRY COMMAND (copy to DGX): Source batches by day below. Cold open roast Jesse → 3 segments → knockout → 5 Shorts under 60s → post CTA bombed.app/world + submit-story
0:00–3:00 · COLD OPEN — Jesse gets roasted

Say: "Welcome to Jesse Roast Room — where AI roasts the host so the host learns to write punchlines. I'm Jesse. I clean houses and emotionally renovate strangers."

tr_093 or bh_078
Bit
I don't need to quit my habits. I need to monetize them.
That's stand-up. That's cleaning biz. That's America.
Trauma with a two-drink minimum.

AI roast tag: "Jesse's so broke his DGX runs Ollama on hope."

3:00–8:00 · ACT 1 — Monday: Four Colors bad habits
fc_021 · RED sex
Red dirty talk sounds like a subpoena.
"Say my name." "Say who else you've been with."
Safe word is "objection."
fc_061 · GREEN sex
Green dirty talk is terrifying.
"I've reviewed our compatibility data."
That's HR with lube.
fc_041 · BLUE habits
Blue mirrors your taste, trauma, and playlist.
You think it's fate. It's performance with Wi-Fi.
Soulmate or improv — Blue picks improv.
CTA: FourColorQuiz.com → play Dating Game at bombed.app/world
8:00–13:00 · ACT 2 — Tuesday: Dating / bad habits
bh_011
Bad habit: confusing chemistry with familiar damage.
Every ex felt like destiny until the subpoena of emotion.
I don't have a type. I have a rerun with new lighting.
bh_013
Catching feelings at 2am.
Body says leave. Heart says "maybe breakfast."
2am love is a hallucination with good Wi-Fi.
pain_039 · dating
Blue Chameleon on date one is perfect.
Same trauma — suspicious.
Mirror that charges emotional rent.
13:00–18:00 · ACT 3 — Wednesday: AI chaos
ai_041
They asked if AI will replace stand-up.
Man, mic, unresolved childhood.
Can't download Sacramento at 11pm with two drinks.
ai_141
I bought a DGX Spark to run local AI.
Expensive machine. Cheaper than therapy.
Hardware cuddle.
ai_007
I told AI I was lonely.
12-step plan and overnight oats.
Bartender gave whiskey. More useful.
18:00–23:00 · ACT 4 — Thursday: Cleaning + money
bh_078
Rehearsing jokes while cleaning a master bathroom.
Client hears me. Tips more.
Comedy with chemicals.
bh_071
Yes to every gig because broke and hopeful.
Clean toilets by day. Bomb by night.
Hustle culture with bleach fumes.
bh_034
I gamble like math is optional.
"I'm due." Financial colonoscopy.
Vegas math: house wins, Jesse narrates.
23:00–28:00 · ACT 5 — Friday: Colors of My Pain
pain_001
I was a Candy Kid — sweet so nobody got mad.
Honesty came with a service fee.
Fifty doing stand-up. Same skill. Different candy.
pain_113 · closer
Some families teach love. Mine taught survival.
I survived long enough to name the colors.
FourColorQuiz.com. Stop dating your childhood.
28:00–30:00 · CLOSER + CTA STACK
bh_100 or fc_200
Final habit: truth on stage, lie everywhere else.
Bar loves honesty. Bank doesn't.
Tip your server. Play bombed.app/world.
End screen (20 sec each):
1. Play free → bombed.app/world
2. Submit your story → bombed.app/submit-story
3. $9.99 roast pack → bombed.app/pay
4. Four Colors quiz → FourColorQuiz.com

5 Shorts cut list (post-production)

  1. Short 1: Cold open knockout (0:00–0:45)
  2. Short 2: Dirtiest Four Colors line (fc_021 or fc_061)
  3. Short 3: Jesse cleaning + joke (bh_078)
  4. Short 4: AI/DGX bit (ai_141)
  5. Short 5: CTA "Play BOMBED" + streak hook

Jesse Roast Room · Empire Hub